Boozy, Snoozy and Floozy

Did you guys see Lindsay Lohan's letter of condolences to the family of Robert Altman? Hi-larity. I will now republish it here in full.

"I would like to send my condolences out to Catherine Altman, Robert Altmans wife, as well as all of his immediate family, close friends, co-workers, and all of his inner circle.

"I feel as if I've just had the wind knocked out of me and my heart aches.

"If not only my heart but the heart of Mr. Altman's wife and family and many fellow actors/artists that admire him for his work and love him for making people laugh whenever and however he could..

"Robert altman made dreams possible for many independent aspiring filmmakers, as well as creating roles for countless actors.

"I am lucky enough to of been able to work with Robert Altman amongst the other greats on a film that I can genuinely say created a turning point in my career.

This, of course, being the point where Lindsay magically transformed from strung-out teen billionaire to strung-out teen billionaire with a bit part in a bad Altman film. Truly, it has been a stunning metamorphosis. Lindsay and the Iraq War share a remarkable ability to reach turning points without actually changing in any way.

"I learned so much from Altman and he was the closest thing to my father and grandfather that I really do believe I've had in several years.

"The point is, he made a difference.

"He left us with a legend that all of us have the ability to do.

"So every day when you wake up.

"Look in the mirror and thank god for every second you have and cherish all moments.

"The fighting, the anger, the drama is tedious.

"Please just take each moment day by day and consider yourself lucky to breathe and feel at all and smile. Be thankful.

"Life comes once, doesn't 'keep coming back' and we all take such advantage of what we have.

"When we shouldn't..... '

"Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourselves' (12st book) -everytime there's a triumph in the world a million souls hafta be trampled on.-altman Its true. But treasure each triumph as they come.

"If I can do anything for those who are in a very hard time right now, as I'm one of them with hearing this news, please take advantage of the fact that I'm just a phone call away.

God Bless, peace and love always.

Thank You,
"BE ADEQUITE"
Lindsay Lohan

Guh? Or, to put it more accurately, ga-juh? It's like Lindsay's using the opportunity of a widow's loss to teach Catherine Altman a peppy little message about life. My guess is, Lindsay recently watched Dead Poet's Society and that wacky Robin Williams bastard really hit home, what with his bad impressions and Latinate slogans, and she just wanted to pass along some of his wisdom.

Anyway, it looks like Lindsay Lohan's taking the loss of Robert Altman pretty hard. Here's a photo of her last night on Santa Monica Blvd., searching desperately for comfort in the arms of two transgendered prostitutes.



Oh, no, wait, that's just her hanging out with Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. Can you imagine being a celebrity photographer and suddenly seeing this image before your eyes? It's Christmas in November! You can blow off work till the New Year and then some once you've hit the Burnout Slut Trifecta. Get Madonna's bare ass in there and Courtney Love flipping someone the bird and you've got the Paparazzi "Last Supper".

This is the sort of event that calls for not just one goofy caption but several.

10. "Is it just me or does anyone else smell chlamydia?"

9. "Or that one scene where Albert Finney's shooting the guys while Danny Boy plays in the background? Classic. Miller's Crossing fucking rules."

8. "No, when I called you 'firecrotch,' I was just trying to say that in all those pictures of you where you aren't wearing panties, your vagina looks, like, really really hot. Like, on fi-yah!"

7. Here we see the last known photo taken before Lindsay, Paris and Britney were killed by an oncoming semi, on what would forever after be known as The Day the Music Continued Right On Living Like Nothing Had Happened.

6. I'm not so sure about this new Back to the Future remake.

5. "Alright, truth check...Who else here fucked Borat?"

4. "Well that's all fine, Paris, but I think you overstate Heidegger's relationship to existential philosophy. I mean, certainly, Sartre was influenced by Being and Time, but let us not forget that the man's early work was deeply rooted in hermeneutics."

3. "I'm just saying, my ex was a humiliating no-talent whiteboy hack pretending to be a musician, a constant embarrassment to the entire entertainment industry, not to mention me personally...But enough about John Mayer."

2. Here we see the first publicity still from the CW's latest series, Penetration Point.

1. Lindsay Lohan thoughtfully averts her gaze from friends and fans, hoping to protect their delicate skin from her face's carcinogenic, radioactive orange glow.