She's Leaving Home

It's too bad this post isn't about John Lennon hitting his wife. His songs tend to be more violent, so they lend themselves more easily to punny spousal abuse-themed headlines.

So I went with the more straight-ahead lyrical adaptation. Here's the Daily Mail:

Sir Paul McCartney has hit back at the claims made by his estranged wife Heather Mills that he repeatedly attacked her.

"Hit back at the claims." You've got the love the British press. So cruel and smarmy. They're like a blog with slightly better circulation. I also dig their nickname for Sir Paul: Macca. That actually makes him sound kind of cool, when we all know that PMC hasn't actually been cool since the late '60s. (And even then...only in a roundabout way.) The Brits are typically better at the nickname thing than us Yanks. We're repeatedly referring to one of our most famous and beloved couples as "Brangelina."

In a statement issued by his lawyers, the Beatles pop star said: "Since the breakdown of his marriage Sir Paul McCartney has maintained his silence in not commenting on the media stories believing that it was best for all concerned, particularly his children, for there to be some dignity in what is a private matter..."

The statement continues vaguely blathering in this manner, insisting on Sir Paul's innocence but not responding to any specific charges. Honestly, I remember hearing something about Paul hitting his ex-wife Heather Mills before, but the story kind of disappeared quickly from the public radar. Here's what she's claiming about their marriage:

In an extraordinary escalation of their dispute, Miss Mills claims in the documents that the ex-Beatle:

- Subjected her to four violent attacks, including one in which he stabbed her in the arm with a broken wine glass.

- Continued to use illegal drugs and drink excessively, despite promises made before they married.

In all fairness, lady, you married an ex-Beatle. Those guys pretty much invented drug abuse. (Interesting trivia: Though Paul was the last Beatle to actually try LSD, he was the first one of them to brag about it to the press.) This'd be like Kate Moss divorcing Pete Doherty because he turned out to be a junkie.

- Hurled abuse at his wife, calling her an 'ungrateful bitch'.

Well, she was hogging that remote...

- Tried to prevent her breastfeeding, saying: 'They are my breasts.'

Maybe I'm a bastard for laughing at this article. If all these things are true of Sir Paul, he's a horrible douchetard, don't get me wrong. But trying to stop his wife from nursing their child because he feels jealous of the infant's access to her hot cans? Those are Jonah Goldberg-ian levels of insecurity.

Hearing anecdotes like this cause me to despair for the future. I mean, if PAUL MCCARTNEY, one of the wealthiest and most iconic rock stars of all time, winds up a pathetic old man who smacks around and degrades his wife to feel big, who gets jealous of his baby's breastfeeding, what shot do the rest of us have for happiness in our later years? He'd be better off if he had secretly died circa "Strawberrry Fields Forever

." I mean, it's not enough that the guy's voice and songwriting ability have to degrade over time, leaving him to croak out that despicable "Freedom" abomination in a duet with Pink or whoever during that Superbowl Halftime Show. Now he's got to become some violent, petty drunk?

- Made her cancel a crucial operation because it interfered with his holiday plans.

Has Heather Mills considered that her husband was simply having a wonderful Christmastime?

- Objected 'vociferously' when she asked to buy an antique bedpan to save her crawling to the toilet at night.

Dude, she has one leg! What a bastard!

That last one kind of has to be true. Who could even think something randomly horrible like that up?

The papers allege that Sir Paul humiliated his wife, or ignored her needs. After the birth of their daughter Beatrice in 2003, he forced his exhausted wife to 'accompany him everywhere' still with no regard to her physical or disability needs, they claim.

In April 2006, it is claimed, Miss Mills - who lost a leg in a road accident in 1993 - was forced to crawl on her hands and knees up the steps of a plane because they were not wide enough for her wheelchair and Sir Paul had not made other arrangements.

Sir Paul allegedly told his wife during her pregnancy she should not breastfeed because 'they are my breasts'. He is alleged to have told her: 'I don't want a mouthful of breastmilk.'

She breastfed for six weeks, but gave up because Sir Paul would constantly interrupt her during feeds which left her 'miserable and demoralised', the papers say.

Gross. What a freak. If the allegations are true, of course. If they're not true, I think Heather Mills should definitely start writing for "Law and Order: SVU." She has a rare gift.