The Pen is Mightier Than the Butcher Knife

We already knew OJ Simpson was a great athlete, pitchman and, of course, a brilliant actor. But did you know he's also a soon-to-be-highly-esteemed novelist? From Keith Olbermann:

The “Enquirer” says has signed [The Juice] up to write a book called “If I Did it,” a hypothetical account of the murders of his ex-wife Nicole and her friend, Ron Goldman. If, you know, the murders happened to have been committed by, say, O.J. Simpson. Reportedly he would make a non-hypothetical $3.5 million for the book.

Why do I picture OJ pitching this idea using his best Jon Lovitz impression...

"I want to write a book about murdering my wife all those years ago. But it's, um, fictional. Yeah, that's right...A work of fiction. For I have always desired to be a renowned novelist. Yeah, a novelist, that's the ticket."

Seriously, though, I guess now that Johnny Cochran's dead, OJ's had to give up his day job...Murdering people and getting away with it...So he has to pursue some new avenues of income. Why not recount the crimes he famously got away with in grisly detail?

Among the highlights, gruesome, detailed, and say the “Enquirer” “realistic” description of the murders themselves. Simpson’s book, just another in a long literary tradition of books by people wrongly accused of killing someone they loved who’s speculating, in print, at length and graphic detail about how they would have brutally stabbed the person they loved, hypothetically.

The sad irony of the whole situation is that, even though OJ got away with murder, he's extremely famous for getting away with murder, which is still pretty unfortunate. Think about it this way...How many Americans, living amongst us in total anonymity right this moment, have gotten away with a murder in their lives? Considering the amount of unsolved murders going down in major Americna cities, it's probably a lot. Unless my theory is correct and they're all the work of one man...

So those people just kill someone and then get on with their lives. OJ, on the other hand, is the international poster boy for Wife Murdering.

It wouldn't necessarily have to be so bad, I guess, but I think OJ is playing it from the wrong angle. He's trying to do this coy have it both ways kind of thing, fuel the public's interest in his infamy and his murder case while keeping up this ridiculous "innocent" charade. He hsould go full-out, one way or the other. Either disappear from public view, spending the rest of your life in comfortable obscurity while pretending to search for your dead wife's "real killers" OR just embrace being the celebrity who killed his wife and her new boyfriend and then lied about it to everyone.

I mean, he knows he's guilty. We all know he's guilty. Why not just say so? Double jeopardy rules would prevent from being charged for the crime. I say, he should become America's first open advocate for wife murdering. He should head up the grassrootes Homicidal Ex-Spouse Movement. First, you write a book about how you murdered your wife and it changed your life in all manner of amazing and subtle ways. Second, you start appearing on talk shows to publicize said book, arguing that states should be allowed to repeal homicide laws as they apply to angry ex-spouses. Write a few op-eds. You never know...the idea might take off. I know an awful lot of angry ex-spouses, and I bet most people would figure they could take out their hated former wife or husband first should such a law ever actually pass.

See, in that scenario, OJ would just be able to write his book for real and not have to hide behind the "fiction" label like some Bizarro-World James Frey. What's funny about our bullshit culture is that people will act offended that OJ wrote a book about killing his wife, then they'll go out and buy copies by the pallet. These two things will happen within days of one another.