This Open Letter Was Written on Stationary Made of Gold and Pink Marble

How have I been missing this public Donald Trump/Martha Stewart feud? That's exactly the sort of celebrity story I need to follow closely, goddammit! Way to fall down on the job, Celebrity Gossip Sites I Visit Daily! It took Ace Cowboy and the good people at Slack LaLane to bring it to my attention.

Anyway, the World's Pettiest Billionaires have been blasting one another all week in the pages of Newsweek and on television.

First, the domestic diva took aim in an article in the current Newsweek; then The Donald blasted back in a letter to Martha delivered Tuesday; late Tuesday a stunned Stewart returned fire, and then later Tuesday Trump shot again in a TV interview.

I think the whole argument can be traced by to one comment by Martha, where she implies that the original concept for the show had her "firing" Trump and taking over the franchise, rather than running a spin-off of Trump's original.

Her show was supposed to be the only "Apprentice" and was meant to start out with her firing Trump on the air, she told Newsweek, reiterating comments she'd made before.

"Having two 'Apprentices' was as unfair to him as it was unfair to me," she told Newsweek. "But Donald really wanted to stay on."

Personally, I can't see that egomaniac Trump agreeing to let anyone fire him on his own show. Perhaps some low-level NBC suit made such an offer to Martha, but I don't think The Donald would ever in a million years let that go down.

So in response to that comment, and in a desperate bid to salvage his own TV show, Trump has taken to insulting Martha and her "Apprentice" spin-off publicly. It's not exactly classy. But beyond simply embarrassing her and trying to make her look like an idiot, he's getting pretty personal.

Trump's blunt response asks Stewart to take responsibility for her "failed show."

"Your performance was terrible in that the show lacked mood, temperament and just about everything a show needs for success," he wrote. "I knew it would fail as soon as I first saw it -- and your low ratings bore me out."

He actually keeps going...

"Between your daughter, with her one-word statements, your letter writing and, most importantly, your totally unconvincing demeanor, it never had a chance -- much as your daytime show is not exactly setting records," he wrote.

I'll admit that Martha wasn't exactly the most compelling presence on TV, but this isn't exactly fair. Her show was, conceptually, identical to The Donald's own program. I think it failed more because the public didn't have the patience for two simultaneous versions of "The Apprentice," and because they just don't much care for Martha Stewart in general. But Don should have known that going in.

Here's the meanest part of the letter.

"Essentially, you made this firing up just as you made up your sell order of ImClone," said Trump, who claimed NBC did not intend to fire him on Stewart's show.

That's right, he went there...

This is really juvenile stuff, which makes it hilarious. What's the most strange for me about this whole thing is that I thoroughly enjoyed Martha's take on "The Apprentice." She's not as fun a host as Donald Trump, of course, but these shows basically live or die by their contestants. And Martha's Apprentice had some really hilarious cast members, particularly overly-enthusiastic lunatic Jim.

Anyway, it wasn't a significantly worse show than Donald's "Apprentice," but because ti didn't have good ratings, he's decided that it's the worst show ever. Because that's how his mind works.