One Question Remains: Is God a Pervert?

I once knew a man...a very disgusting man that I want to tell you all a little bit about. This man, he went by the name of William Piss Gums. Billy, for short. And, yes, he earned his nickname. He earned his nickname by drinking pee. And not his own pee, though I'd imagine he started initially by drinking his own pee and then worked his way up to that of total stranger's from there. For some reason, it just seems a bit less disgusting to drink your own pee than someone else's, even though I'm sure, from a health standpoint, it's pretty much identical.

Anyway, I bring up Billy (unfortunately, a very real person) for a good reason, not merely to force you all to imagine a grown man drinking the urine of other men in order to achieve some bizarre form of sexual gratification. That's just an added plus.

No, I bring up Billy because, once, I thought of him as my primary example of debased humanity. The proof that there is no God. For surely, if there was some sort of divine creator who formed the universe and devised its rules, he would not create a man who wanted to drink the pee of another man. Unless God's a pervert.

And now, I have a new primary example of debased humanity.

Central Ohio resident Alan Patton.

Alan Patton, 54, is in jail after allegedly telling Gahanna police that he enjoys drinking urine.

Detective Ron Fithen interviewed Patton after he was arrested while leaving a movie theater last weekend.

"Listening to his describe it, it's like listening to a crack or cocaine addict. He's addicted to children's urine," Fithen said.

Really, this is the only activity which can be disfavorably compared to being a crack addict. I mean, if you absolutely must be addicted to something, better crack cocaine than kid pee. You can go to any major urban center and locate crack cocaine. But kid pee has to be obtained delicately and with the utmost care and discretion.

The story continues. I can't believe I got this article from an NBC affiliate. This thing is truly disgusting. For those of you with at all sensitive stomachs or delicate sensibilities, please stop reading now, I beg of you.

Police said Patton goes to family restaurants and movie theaters and waits for boys in a bathroom stall. Investigators said he shuts off the water to the child-level urinal and puts a cup in the bottom.

Patton allegedly told police that he leaves the stall after the child leaves.

"He goes back and retrieves the cup and drinks the urine," Fithen said.

You're telling me you can have a story about a kid pee drinker on NBC, but a split-second shot of Janet Jackson's boob is going to cause a several year-long national uproar? This is some truly repugnant shit!