Skeezy Gonzales

Our Attorney General, in addition to being a vile, Constitution-ignoring little worm, is also a complete and total idiot. Don't believe me? Check out his testimony before Congress today, via Crooks and Liars, in which he informs us about the history of illegal wiretapping. And I quote:

President Washington, President Lincoln, President Wilson, President Roosevelt have all authorized electronic surveillance on a far broader scale.

Oh, really? Hmmm...fascinating. I know President Washington was a big fan of using electronic surveillance. And let me tell you...there is nothing that guy liked better than seeing the bright, shiny lights of Las Vegas, Nevada spread out over the desert at night, you know what I'm saying? Killing Hessians, electronic surveillance, hookers, roulette and blow: George Washington's five primary interests.

Can you believe this shit? I mean, I know we're kind of an anti-intellectual nation of self-important blowhard dumbasses...but the Attorney General is citing Abraham Lincoln's use of electronic surveillance? While testifying before Congress? Has Bush declared reading of any kind unlawful by Executive Order and no one bothered to tell me?

BUT DON'T STOP READING YET! AMAZINGLY, THERE'S MORE!

So, Bush's people have been complaining on and on about how the leak of information about the NSA surveillance program has hurt our intelligence-gathering abilities. Which is totally preposterous. How does al-Qaeda finding out that GWB has been spying on his own people hurt us in any way? Well, Senator Joe Biden (a scumbag in his own right, with whom I disagree on just about every major issue facing America) put that question directly to Your Attorney General. And the response actually evoked laughter from those present at the hearing.

BIDEN: Thank you very much.

General, how has this revelation damaged the program?

I'm almost confused by it but, I mean, it seems to presuppose that these very sophisticated Al Qaida folks didn't think we were intercepting their phone calls.

I mean, I'm a little confused. How did it damage this?

GONZALES: Well, Senator, I would first refer to the experts in the Intel Committee who are making that statement, first of all. I'm just the lawyer.

And so, when the director of the CIA says this should really damage our intel capabilities, I would defer to that statement. I think, based on my experience, it is true -- you would assume that the enemy is presuming that we are engaged in some kind of surveillance.

But if they're not reminded about it all the time in the newspapers and in stories, they sometimes forget.

Oh, those wacky Al-Qaeda guys! Always forgetting that they're being spied upon. They're like the Keystone Kops, really, bumbling their way through world terrorism. Osama, will you ever learn...

Actually, that gives me a great idea for a sitcom! It's like Showtime's "Sleeper Cell," about a cluster of terrorists hidden within assumed identities in America - except all the terrorists are total idiots! It will be called "My Two Jihads."

AHMED: Abbas, where did all this pizza come from?
ABBAS: Silly Ahmed, I ordered it, of course.
AHMED: But this receipt says Abbas Muhammad Muhammad Ali on it. Did you order the pizza under your own name?
ABBAS: Of course. How else would they know who to bring it to?
AHMED: But have you forgotten, the Americans could be listening to our conversations! It was in the newspaper just last week! Now they will find us!
ABBAS: Well, I guess it's another suicide bombing mission for me!
AHMED: Abbas, you're the greatest!

[THEY HUG]

Did you know, by the way, that Gonzales wasn't officially sworn in when he gave his testimony?

Patrick Leahy, the ranking Democrat on the committee, challenged Specter's decision and asked for the committee to vote on the issue. It did, and Specter's decision now stands on a party-line vote. Thus, while Gonzales said that he's willing to testify under oath -- and that his answers would be the same either way -- the Republicans on the committee have now ensured that he won't.

The decision may be largely symbolic: It's a crime to lie to Congress whether you're under oath or not, but no oath means no newspaper photographs of Gonzales' having raised his right hand.

Would this matter if he didn't plan on lying? He just wants to make sure, after he has lies to these Senators, there aren't any embarrassing pictures around of him promising not to lie. What a douche.