The Secret History of the War on Terror

So, George gave a press conference yesterday where he told us all about a horrifying al-Qaida plot to blow up something called the Liberty Tower here in Los Angeles.

Except that there is no such thing as the Los Angeles Liberty Tower. The White House later informed everyone that George meant the Library Tower, which isn't actually called that any more but has been renamed the US Bank Tower. But...I mean...you know...he's on top of this whole War on Terror thing. He's the Commander-in-Chief and all. He just incorrectly provided the old name of the building that was under attack. Other than that, a flawless performance.

President Bush gave new details on Thursday about a purported 2002 terrorist plan to use shoe bombs to blow open the cockpit door of a commercial jetliner, take control of the plane and crash it into a building in Los Angeles.

Bush said the U.S.-led global war on terror has "weakened and fractured" al-Qaida and allied groups, outlining as proof new details about the multinational cooperation that foiled the purported terrorist plans.

"The terrorists are living under constant pressure and this adds to our security," Bush said. "When terrorists spend their days working to avoid death or capture, it's harder for them to plan and execute new attacks on our country. By striking the terrorists where they live, we're protecting the American homeland."

Atrios and a lone intelligent White House reporter have already pointed out that, of course, you can't actually hijack a plane with a shoe bomb. You can explode a plane, as well as your feet, but a shoe bomb is one of those things you either detonate or you don't.

But never mind!

I thought it was pretty cool that the government apparently has been secretly thwarting supervillains for years, and just not bothering to tell anyone. (Incluidng the mayor in charge of the city that was saved!) But, being the responsible journalist that I am, I wanted to know more about the wonderful work being done by the Bush Administration, under wraps, to keep us all safe.

So I did a little snooping around, using my insider Washington contacts, and have produced this list of all the various evil plots BushCo. has foiled since the Septmeber 11th attacks. Of course, because these were all prevented tragedies, none of you have heard anything about them. Because there's nothing the Bush Administration hates more than taking credit for things. Just a paragon of humility, each and every one of them.

Kill Phil

Back in early 2003, an Iranian-born Muslim named Abu Hazim living in Los Angeles was contracted by a terrorist organization and ordered to assassinate daytime television personality Dr. Phil.

"The terrorists are constantly trying to throw us off our guard," a senior White House official said under condition of anonymity. "That's why they want to get rid of a man who helps so many Americans heal their relationships with loved ones and lose unsightly pounds through a mixture of intense guilt, fear-mongering and pseudo-Freudian jargon. The loss of Dr. Phil would have been a crippling blow to needy, easily-influenced mouth-breathers everywhere."

Apparently, Hazim planned to go undercover as a guest on Dr. Phil's show, pretending to be involved in an ongoing argument with his adolescent daughter about dressing like Paris Hilton. He would then pull out a box-cutter from his pocket and gut the self-help guru on national television, possibly also setting an American flag on fire and yelling "death to the infidels," time permitting.

Fortunately, authorities who had tapped the Dr. Phil guest hotline number listened in on Hazim's call, and finding him Arab and therefore suspicious, they monitored his behavior. He's right now being held in a prison somewhere in Eastern Europe. Or something.

Al-Qaida/Acme Merger

In July of 2003, using a generic-sounding front company called Asian Export Co., a group of well-financed, al-Qaida-sympathetic businessmen in Qatar attempted to purchase famed American conglomerate Acme Inc., best known for outlandish weapons like the Do-It-Yourself Tornado Kit, The Bat-Man Flying Suit and magical paint that will make the side of a mountain resemble a desert road.

"Can you just imagine what might happen if terrorists could get their hands on an unlimited supply of Indestructo Steel Balls, Invisible Paint or Super Speed Vitamins?," posited a senior Pentagon official. "It would be an even worse hypothetical situation than if Saddam had theoretically had Weaopns of Mass Destruction!"

Some have suggested that, given Acme Product's propensity to fail at inopportune moments, that this may have been an intentional, covert CIA operation designed to sabotage al-Qaida's future plans. For whatever reason, the sale never went through.

Smithsonian Seige

Several al-Qaida operatives were arrested in Washington D.C. in April of 2004 in connection with a plot to steal Indiana Jones' hat and whip from the Smithsonian, along with other important pieces of national memorabilia.

2 members of the group were thought to be involved in a similar raid on a Davenport, Iowa Hard Rock Cafe the previous year.

"We had one of Liberace's powdered wigs, that's irreplacable," said Davenport Police Chief Russell Wurthington. "Not to mention a signed program from Cher's most recent Farewell Tour. And they're just taking it to be mean, cause you can't exactly move that stuff on the black market there...Collectors know it's a hot item, and don't wanna touch it."

Other items believed to be on al-Qaida's Smithsonian hitlist: Catherine Bach's Daisy Duke shorts from "The Dukes of Hazzard," Archie Bunker's easy chair from "All in the Family" and the Penguin's monocle and cigarette-holder. Also, one of the terrorists wanted to make his escape in the original Knight Rider car, but this plan was scrapped as it was too complicated, and none of the other terrorists knew the show "Knight Rider" that well.

Wrecking the Rock

This particularly devious scheme was first detected by Staff Pro at Albany, New York's Pepsi Arena. Al-Qaida operatives were secretly buying up a lot of seats in the first few rows of the loge section for major concerts, then standing up and dancing around and generally making a lot of noise. Performances including the White Stripes, the Rolling Stones, Josh Groban and more were ruined for upwards of 100 people by dumb, noisy, dancing al-Qaida affiliates.

"After the first two songs, most of us just wanted to sit down and listen to the music," said Barenaked Ladies fan Tom Cochran. "But those old, bearded guys just kept twirling around and making that sound with their tongues through the whole show. I mean, I get being excited and wanting to stand when they do 'If I Had a Million Dollars,' but 'Jane'? That's just unneccessary."

5 of the offending concert-going terrorists were arrested on their way in to local radio station WXOR's annual Wango Tango benefit concert. Among the artists who would have been rudely interrupted by flailing hippie-esque terrorists were Beyonce Knowles, Ryan Cabrera and Pink.