Mind Your Manners With Kate O'Beirne

Don't know if any of you caught the Coretta Scott King funeral today on television. I, as always, had to work, so I missed it. But on the plus side, I met Robert Rodriguez and the new kid working down at the Blazer, both of whom are men with strong opinions about film! So that was a lot of fun.

Anyway, I missed Chris Matthews and Professional Shrew Kate O'Beirne discussing the funeral this afternoon on MSNBC's Hardball, but it seems there's a bit of controversy surrounding it on the ol' Blogo-Internets.

It seems that certain mourners (like Former President and History's Greatest Monster Jimmy Carter) and certain religious figures (like the Reverand Dr. Joseph Lowry) decided that the funeral for a revered civil rights leader would be an appropriate time to discuss the issue of civil rights. I mean, come on, guys...There's a time and a place for all that, and a large public ceremony attended by major heads of state and the entire national media is hardly the place to present your views.

In this helpful clip via Salon, Fox News informs us that conservatives are outraged tonight because speakers dared to challenge President Bush...with him actually in attendance! I mean, seriously...the man has been President for years now. Is he really so sensitive? He can't handle a little criticism? Isn't he supposed to be answerable to the American people? Or do his Article II powers extend to shutting up everyone who doesn't like him? Personally, I can't think of a better way to honor someone that consistantly, in life, spoke truth to power than be speaking truth to fucking power, you know?

I've talked about Kate "Snappy" O'Beirne before. She's the charming woman responsible for that book about how all feminists are ugly, evil, pathetic, anti-American dykes who make the world worse. Apparently, she's mortified by the very notion that anyone would discuss anything negative at a funeral, particularly one where her boyfriend, Georgie "Il Duce" Dubya, was present.

So, I just thought, what with her being a friend of the blog and all...that maybe she'd come by and offer us some more of her priceless etiquette tips. I mean, if she knows what will go over a black funeral so well, maybe she'll know how to behave properly at other major events. So, I'll turn the blog over to Katie.



Thanks, Lons. I'd like to begin with an apology. During this episode of Hardball on MSNBC, I said "liberals don't know how to hold a funeral." That's clearly an unfair generalization. What I actually meant to say was, "These coloreds are making me uncomfortable with all their back talk." I apologize for any inconvenience this mix-up may have caused.

Anyway, on to the etiquette column. I figured, since I had already instructed the black community on the best method for holding a respectful funeral for one of their iconic heroes, I thought I would let some other ethnic groups know that I'm here to harshly scold them for offending my delicate sensibilities as well.

The Quinceanera

Ah, yes, the traditional Latin American tradition of welcoming 15 year old girls into womanhood. Now, in our modern society, young girls tend to treat this as just another "Sweet Sixteen" party, encouraging their parents to spend way too much money on a DJ and party favors for all their friends.

Wouldn't it be better to let young girls know the wonders that await them in the years ahead, as they find husbands and start making lots and lots of babies? Instead of giving a girl something frivolous she might want, like a car or a cell phone or an Xbox 360, why not give her an apron? Or a vacuum cleaner? And instead of a big, elegant catered affair, why not just invite all the neighbors over for a large, fancy meal...prepared entirely by your daughter! Wouldn't that be the best way to mark her passage into adulthood while simultaneously showing the girl her place?

The Bris

This is the service in which Jews celebrate the birth of a baby son by slicing off a small, useless piece of his...um...well, his manhood. Do I even need to say how the Jews could make this ceremony less distasteful?

Oh, and while I'm on the subject...I'd just like to let all my Jewish readers know that, when eating a Christian baby, the polite thing to do is to start with the face and head, in order to silence any unfortunate screaming or gurgling sounds, and then proceed southward towards the abdomen and, finally, the legs and feet. I really can't stress this sternly enough.

Muslim Prayer

I know you A-rabs have to pray five times every day, wherever you happen to be at the time, but you have to understand that the sight of a bunch of you people all together in public doing your Allah thing is frightening to us white people what has been traumatized by the events of September 11th.

So, I have prepared this statement I would like all Muslims to read every time they are about to begin praying in public. It should be relatively easy to memorize, and would put all of us good, white American folks at ease.

Attention, real Americans. I am a Muslim and I am about to pray. I am not going to try to explode you or to cut off your head. I will unfurl a prayer shawl, but it is not concealing some kind of plastic explosive, or even any box-cutters or other potentially hazardous yet everyday devices that some of my people have used to hijack your planes, buses and other forms of public transportation. During the course of my prayers, you may hear me speak words in Arabic. These are not satellite transmissions to a sleeper cell hidden deep within the desolate mountains of Pakistan, alerting them to the presence of white people and ordering the deployment of 50 dirty bombs to every major American city, but merely my mumbled prayers to Allah, my fake name for God. Thank you for your kind attention.

Doesn't seem so hard to me. At least promise you'll think about it.