Jossy Weeds

Check out this interview with "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" mastermind Joss Whedon. What a no-talent ass clown.

Do any of you really like this show? Now, I'm not going to go so far as to say that liking this show proves you have poor taste in television, but I will say that it proves you have poor taste in vampire slaying. Of all the venues in which I have seen the undead slain, nowhere has it been as silly, campy or cheaply-designed as in Joss Whedon's cultish but ultimately failed TV drama.

And don't give me that "it's-all-a-deep-metaphor-for-adolescent-life-in-America" horseshit. An episode of "Buffy" has as much to say about contemporary American life as an episode of "Iron Chef." I mean, yeah, we get it...their high school is literally hell. Joss, please stop, your penetrating insights are too much for my feeble brain...

Okay, fine, so I hated his show, and his lame spin-off show, and his other show that went off the air right away. Big whoop. I hate lots of shows that other people like. (CSI? What the hell is that crap?)

But then Joss has to go and give this bullshit, self-aggrandizing interview to In Focus Magazine. My Cinegeek colleague Ari used the adjective "gross" to describe it, and I'd say that's the most fitting.



Here's Joss dictating how he would have directed Return of the Jedi:

The Millennium Falcon would not be piloted in the climactic scene by Lando Calrissian and a frog. It would have been Han, getting it done. The “other” to whom Yoda referred would of course have been a young, female, badass Jedi, because where else would I go with that? It would have not been revealed in the first five minutes that Darth Vader was going to be redeemed. And, yeah, there would have been a little less incest.

No talent. Ass clown.

Can you imagine Joss Whedon directing a Star Wars movie starring a young female badass Jedi? Seriously. Try it.

Okay, now stop projectile vomiting. Good.

I have to say, part of the fault lies with this interviewer. They're obviously (1) tremendously impressed with Joss Whedon and (2) a total doofus.

Check out this question about Joss' failed-TV-show-turned-failed-middling-sci-fi-movie Serenity:

There are fewer horses and heads of cattle in “Serenity” than in the “Firefly” TV series. Do you suspect perhaps the series was somehow hobbled in the early going by its more overtly “Western” visual elements?

What? The interviewer is asking the guy who made the show, a guy who has nothing to do with measuring or analyzing ratings, if he thinks the inclusion of horses and heads of cattle affected the overall viewership?

How the fuck is Joss Whedon supposed to know that? He just writes the goddamn thing.

But let's not let him totally off the hook. Rather than call the questioner stupid to his face, Joss tries his best to give a cogent answer:

No. I wasn’t looking to go less “Western.” In fact, I was thinking, “Can’t I find a place for a horse in this?” But the answer was no.

Folks, that is my new screenwriting mantra: Can't I find a place for a horse in this?

Can you just imagine if Orson Welles had that thought moments before lensing the climactic sequence in Citizen Kane? "Okay, so Charles Foster Kane dies and he drops the snowglobe he's been holding, says 'Rosebud,' and we see the nurse enter the room...ON THE BACK OF A MASSIVE STALLION!"

Oh my god, this is totally the stupidest interview ever. Seriously, this may be stupider than that time Brett Ratner kept talking about himself in the third person.

Overall, this thing would be way better with a better interviewer. This guy is practically begging J. Weeds to give him a fruit basket. Check out this question...

I thought your original screenplay for “Alien: Resurrection” was brilliant – with its epic final battle on Earth, for Earth – and vastly more engrossing than what ultimately made its way to the screen. I have to assume there were budgetary issues, because I can’t imagine another reason anyone would tinker with it.

Wow, what a fair and impartial journalist this guy turned out to be! We're sure to get a hard-hitting interview now!

Oh, man, there is so much annoying shit in here, I could go on and on for days, but I'll just pull a few more quotes. Here's Joss discussing his ideas about a Batman movie.

Look, I’m going to have trouble watching “Batman Begins” because I pitched a Batman movie to them that I fell so in love with that I couldn’t get it out of my head. And, no matter what, I’m just going to be going, “Oh, that one scene. Oh, I just wish … Oh!” Even if I love every frame, you just don’t get over stuff like that.

What a dick. Like Chris Nolan's version couldn't possibly be better than Joss Whedon's imagined concept. Who falls in love with their own material in that way, that they can't possibly accept anyon else's interpretation? Oh, that's right, someone extraordinarily self-involved who loves celebrating his own ideas more than any movie!

Here's Whedon on why he'd never direct an "Avengers" movie:

Y’know, the thing about the X-Men is they have a coherent core. The Avengers to me is tough. I wouldn’t approach The Avengers, I wouldn’t approach the Fantastic Four. The X-Men are all born of pain, and pain is where I hang my hat.

"Pain is where I hang my hat"? GROSS!