The Denise Show

Denise Richards makes me feel old.

Allow me to clarify. I don't actually know Denise Richards. Well, I met her once, which is why she makes me feel old, but I don't know her. In the Biblical sense.

I don't think I've mentioned this to my vast blog audience before, but once upon a time, way back in the late 90's when I attended UCLA as an undergrad, I worked as an entertainment reporter for the Daily Bruin. Because the Daily Bruin went out to the entire UCLA Campus, an audience of around 35,000 people a day, we got invited to all the film junkets and press events for upcoming Hollywood movies.

It was a pretty exciting time. I was 18 years old and extraordinarily unseasoned as a reporter. I had worked on my high school paper, but most of that job consisted of trying to slice straight lines with an Exacto knife against a huge whiteboard so as not to create a crooked Arts & Entertainment Page. Very little time was spent actively engaged in the process of writing.

The very first big Hollywood event I attended was the press screening and interview roundtables for Starship Troopers, a delightful Paul Verhoeven ultra-violent sci-fi satire. I loved the movie, just about every other critic at the event loathed it. Anyway, in addition to Verhoeven, Michael Ironside (awesome!) and the luminous Capser van Diem, we interviewed Denise Richards.

Here's a photo from Troopers set, just to give you your bearings:



In the interest of full disclosure, I'll also admit that I went to that Starship Troopers screening with my obnoxious neighbor girl Wendy, who complained vocally about the film and its high volume for much of the time. I had gone next door to ask the neighbor girls if one of them would come with me, in the hopes that one in particular, Heather, on whom I had a massive and hopeless crush, would agree. She didn't, but Wendy jumped at the chance.

My romantic life has essentailly followed this pattern ever since.

But I digress.

Anyway, back then, Denise Richards was a complete unknown. Paul Verhoeven admitted to us at the roundtable interview that he had cast the young girls in the movie based largely on attractiveness and breast size, as opposed to, say, on-screen charisma or acting ability. (Hey, he's Dutch!)

After that movie, and the B-movie smash hit Wild Things, Denise had a moment of fame. She even became a Bond girl, admittedly in the worst James Bond movie of all time. (Seriously...worse than Moonraker...and Moonraker sucks).



Yes, that's her, as nuclear physicist Dr. Christmas Jones. Personally, I don't have a problem with a Bond movie casting a random hot chick as a science expert, myself. That's what Bond movies do. I mean, Pussy Galore was one of the finest stunt pilots in the world.

Anyway, around this point in her career, something horrible must have happened to Ms. Richards, because she married Charlie Sheen. I mean, what else could have explained such a course of action, but some kind of severe blow to the head or post-traumatic stress?



Don't get me wrong...I like Charlie Sheen. He's in some good movies, and his self-effacing appearance in Being John Malkovich is hilarious. But come on...marrying the guy? This is a dude who orders prsotitutes for his prostitutes. He's spent so much on whores over the years, Heidi Fleiss could buy her own island.

And this sent her career into an unfortunate tailspin from which it has never recovered. She just kind of didn't age well, as you can even seen in that above picture (shamefully stolen right off of Immoderation, without even so much as a credit or a link).

So, inevitably, she took Hef up on his offer, the way so many other aging ex-ingenues have done in the past, and posed for Playboy.



Man, this had to be the most uncomfortable, unpleasant Playboy shoot ever. Usually they have models reclining on satin beds eating chocolates from a heart-shaped box, but she's naked, on the beach, lolling around in wet sand, having other sand blasted all over her body (and on to her face!), with seaweed draped around her. For what must have been several hours.

As of 2005, Denise has wound up in the ghetto of direct-to-DVD thrillers and...shudder...Lifetime Original movies. Such as I Do But I Don't, a wacky romantic comedy in which Denise stars with Dean Cain.



Denise plays a wedding planner who, ironically, works so hard at planning other people's romances...she has no time for a romance of her own. But then she meets Random Hunk #1 (Cain) and realizes that, hey, maybe there is enough time for my happiness too.

Wait a minute...Isn't that the exact same story as that J.Lo abomination nobody saw? Nah, I'm sure they're totally different.

So why does Denise Richards make me feel old? Because all this has happened to her in the time since I turned 18. She's had a huge career arc, from promising young model/actress to movie star to fading movie star to depressing permanent B-level status all in the time since I've been living on my own, like an adult. Yikes! I'm not old enough to have witnessed an entire career trajectory, am I?