Thursday, June 16, 2005

Guest Blogger: Robert Evans

[Lons here...I really loved having Cedric the Entertainer come and do his "thang" here on the blog. I think it went really well. I was going to have him back, but he's having a really busy week, as you can probably imagine, what with the massive success of his latest opus, The Honeymooners. I mean, I haven't checked the newspapers to see the actual box office results, but I'm just assuming that a remake of an ancient sitcom no one under the age of 50 remembers starring a failed sketch comedy star and the sidekick from the Friday sequels predictably outgrossed Star Wars and Mr. and Mrs. Smith, combined, right?

Anyway, I've been watching movies all week, so I'm burned out, but I wanted to post a few updates at least. So I thought to myself...who could I get to guest host the blog for me? I know! Legendary film producer Bob Evans! Here's what he had to say!]

Lons, you're the best. Seriously, and I'm being honest here, you're one of the five or six best kikes I've ever met. I know you're trying to get some writing work going, and you're probably hoping to use me for all of my unbelievable insider connections, but I hate to tell you, it's not gonna work, baby. I haven't landed a meeting in this town since I stopped dealing blow. Even that Comedy Central cartoon, negotiated 100% over the phone. I think they were scared to let me on the backlot, cause I know all kinds of secret hiding places and they'd never find me again.

You may have read some of my blog posts on the Huffington Blog, so you all know I'm no stranger to this kind of thing. One thing I'll say about Bob Evans, he's on the cutting edge of everything at all times. For example, right now, as I'm typing this, I'm also enjoying the lush melodies of the Lovin' Spoonful on my iPod. A gentleman doesn't kiss and tell, but several members of this band and I once tag-teamed Julie Christie in the grotto of the Playboy Mansion.

Anyway, I asked Lons what his readers would want to know, and he suggested I talk about the making of some of my greatest films, The Godfather or Rosemary's Baby or Chinatown...But that's stuff's the past, man, you gotta live for the future. Like I said to Jimmy Caan after we beat that tranny prostitute to death the night of the '76 Golden Globes...the secret to life is to forgive yourself and move on.

So let's talk about the news. I'm a man with my finger on the pulse, man, so let me get right to it. I know a guy who doesn't just talk about the news, he makes the news happen. No, I'm not talking about your president, George Bush. I'm not even talking about the President of the World, Kofi Annan. I mean, The Big Guy, The Man In Charge. Of Course, I mean, Osama bin Laden.

That's right, folks, Bob Evans has OBL in his Rolodex. Right between Peter Billingsley and Jackie Bisset. I'm going to conduct the first Western interview with Osama, or as I call him, Binny Baby, right here on Crushed by Inertia. Lons, you owe me big. You know what I mean, man, don't make that face...We'll talk later...

ME: Binny Baby, you old motherfucker, how the hell are you? It's Evans!

HIM: Robert, please, I have asked you on many occasions not to refer to me as Binny Baby. I find it highly degrading.

ME: Binny, that is you all over! Let me tell you, you are being real with me, and I respect you for it.

HIM: You know, it is very very late here. Can I possibly call you...

ME: Binny, shut the hell up for a second, I'm trying to do an interview here.

HIM: Interview? I did not...

ME: You keep talking, I can't get a word in here. I'm writing for this blog, and the people, they want to know what's going on with you.

HIM: Well, not a lot, really. Much of the same. I'm still on the run, living in these caves, you know, hoping to uplift my people by extending the war with America and turning Arabs against one another. SSDD, am I right?

ME: You sure said something there.

HIM: It's ironic, you know, cause America is still so pissed at me, and I'm like so totally over the whole thing, man. It's like, that's what I was doing years ago! It's not even like me any more.

ME: You've changed.

HIM: Well, I guess so. I'd like to think I'm growing as a person. I've gotten really into hip-hop, and I've been thinking about going abroad, maybe checking out Azerbeijan or something.

ME: You gotta get out there and see the world. Once, Ali McGraw and I toured a German sausage factory and snuck off to fornicate in the linking room.

HIM: Oh, yeah, I've fucked in a sausage factory. I am a wealthy heir, you know.

ME: Yeah, but how many people have you been with at once? I bet I got you beat.

HIM: Probably not.

ME: Seriously, man. I'm Bob Evans. Let's not go there.

HIM: You know how we promise 72 virgins upon a martyr's arrival in Heaven?

ME: Yeah.

HIM: Let's just say, heaven is a place on Earth.

ME: Binny, you're a dirty son of a bitch, and that's why I love you like a brother.

HIM: Come on, though, don't call me Binny.

ME: I call them as I see them.

HIM: Actually, there is something I would like to say to your readers, if I may.

ME: Binny, say whatever you like.

HIM: People of America, now you see what your aggression has wrought. Each day, the Mighty Soldiers of Allah stomp your puny army into the ground and...

ME: Binny, Binny, slow down, I'm gonna have to type this out later.

HIM: I was just getting to the...

ME: I don't want to hear that stuff anyway. It's yesterday, man, it's played out. The people want something new. Does Bob Evans think you should mix it up, start supporting America? You bet he does.

HIM: Oh, you're an idiot.

So, there you have it folks, my exclusive talk with my dear, dear, close friend, Osama bin Laden. Now, I know, many of you may dislike him because of that whole World Trade Center thing or whatever, but you don't know the real guy, the man underneath, the Binny I first met when I hosted that fundraiser to end women's suffrage. Those were good times.

Well, it's after midnight, time to soak in a hot tub filled with equal parts KY Jelly and homemade apple butter. You folks have a pleasant evening.

Submitted by: BOB EVANS

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