Passion of the Christ: Director's Cut

Yes, Mel Gibson's re-releasing his ode to bloody martyrdom, The Jesus Chainsaw Massacre...um, I mean, The Passion of the Christ in a toned-down unrated version in theaters. Hey, just in time for Easter! This year, after you've enjoyed your chocolate bunnies and your kids have finished their backyard egg hunt, why not head down to the multiplex to watch the excessive, grisly torture and eventual death of the man who made it all possible? Doesn't that sound neat?

Gibson claims he edited the film to make it more appropriate for older viewers, teenagers and those with faith in their hearts but weak stomachs. Also, he took out the scene where one puppet urinates on another puppet. Or was that Team America? I get them so confused.

"Some of you actually said that you wish you could have taken your Aunt Martha, Uncle Harry or your grandmother, some of your older kids, and you thought that perhaps the intensity of the film was prohibitive to those people," Gibson says. "I listened to that, and it inspired me to recut the film to cater to those people that perhaps might not have seen it because of its intensity or brutality."

I wish I could have taken my Aunt Martha, but I don't have an Aunt Martha.

How can you really even cut out the violence and gore from The Passion? That's like the whole movie! It's a 3 minute short film without blood 'n guts. If you get up to use the bathroom or buy a soda, you might miss the whole film! That's why it's so incredibly objectionable.

But here's where the story really gets interesting. Or scary. Mostly scary.

The Rev. John Bartunek, author of the book Inside The Passion, says he has seen the original more than 70 times as he has traveled to speak about the movie and its making. His 71-year-old father, however, hasn't seen it because he was put off by the extreme violence. Now Bartunek says his father is ready to get a ticket.

70 times? That's double Eric Cartman's record, and he's president of the Mel Gibson fan club!

And now he travels the country "to speak about the movie"? What a load of bullshit. This guy's supposed to be a religious leader. Even if the movie is good, there are certainly more pressing issues for a man of the cloth to discuss. A behind-the-scenes look at The Passion sounds more like a DVD special feature than a sermon topic. Methinks the Rev sees The Passion as an opportunity to latch on to a worldwide phenomenon and exploit it for all it's worth.

Dan Marler, pastor of the Church of God in Oak Lawn, Ill., rented a theater for 400 parishioners last year. But this time, he says he might only screen the DVD at church after Good Friday services for those who want to see it again.

The movie "was one of those once-in-a-lifetime occurrences," he says, adding that there's a danger if churches embrace the film too much. This is a nice, good movie. It had a profound impact for many believers, but it's not the Bible; it's not Scripture. You can't miss church on Sunday because you saw The Passion this week."

You've got to love that quote. "This is a nice, good movie." What????????? He calls the movie nice? Nice? It depicts the final moments of Christ's life, when he was in extreme agony! I don't think any movie in which a man is repeatedly whipped, forced to lug a cross up a massive hill while being spat upon and pelted with fruit until he's left hanging on said cross for days, to be pecked apart by birds, eventually dying from exposure could be considered "a nice movie."

Show Boat is a nice movie. The Odd Couple is a nice movie. The Passion of the Christ is a semi-spiritual snuff film. And this guy's a pastor! You think he might know better.