Herring Farts

The Ig Nobel Prize is awarded each year by Harvard University's Annals of Improbable Research to scientists who make either funny or ponderous discoveries and then write papers on them. Usually, they get actual Nobel Laureates to hand out the prizes. According to the officials

This year's crop of winners made some fascinating discoveries. I thought I'd include a few here for your reading pleasure.

The 2004 Ig Nobel in Medicine went to James Gundlach of Auburn University for his discovery of a link between country music fandom and suicide:

The results of a multiple regression analysis of 49 metropolitan areas show that the greater the airtime devoted to country music, the greater the white suicide rate. The effect is independent of divorce, southernness, poverty, and gun availability. The existence of a country music subculture is thought to reinforce the link between country music and suicide.

Toby Keith certainly makes me want to off myself, that's for sure.

What I like about the Ig Nobel's is that they don't award dumb or offbeat science. They award real scientific discoveries that are just, well, kind of weird.

For example, I have no doubt that Gundlach's right - country music fans very well may kill themselves with greater frequency than, say, polka fans. (It's just all the neighbors of polka fans that dream of Death's sweet embrace). And goths are already "dead," I guess, so they don't really count.

And I don't really recall ever reading another study about the effects of a certain form of music on suicide rates. As Gundlach says himself:

While some research has linked music to criminal behavior ( Singer, Levine & Jou 1990), the relationship between music and suicide remains largely unexplored. Music is not mentioned in reviews of the literature on suicide ( Lester 1983; Stack 1982, 1990b); instead, the impact of art on suicide has been largely restricted to analyses of television movies and soap operas (for a review, see Stack 1990b).

Taking the top award in Engineering this year was Donald and Frank Smith, who in 1967 actually patented the combover as a way of concealing baldness. Well, not a very good way, but a way nonetheless.

The best thing about patenting the combover? You have to write a detailed patent application that's available online. Can you imagine trying to scientifically explain the development of the "combover" technique?

I claim:
1. A method for styling hair to cover bald areas using only the individual's own hair, comprising separating the hair on the head into several substantially equal sections, taking the hair on one section and placing it over the bald area, then taking the hair on another section and placing it over the first section, and finally taking the hair on the remaining sections and placing it over the other sections whereby the bald area will be completely covered.
2. A method as in claim 1 wherein the hair on a person's head is folded over the bald area beginning with the hair from the back of the head, and then from first one side and then the other.
3. A method as in claim 2 wherein after the hair from the back of the head is folded over the bald area, an object is placed over the hair and hair from a first of the sides is brushed over the object, and after the hair from said first side is folded into place the object is placed over the hair and the hair from the second side is folded over the object.
4. A method as in claim 3, wherein said object is a person's hand the hair spray is applied after the hair from said first side is folded into place and again after said second side being folded into place.
5. A method as in claim 3 wherein the hair from said first side and said second side is given a final styling.

Don't even try to tell me you haven't learned a ton browsing around this website! That's a scientific breakdown of the combover, goddamnit!

The youngest winner in Ig Nobel history was Howard U. freshman Jillian Clarke, recognized for her paper "If You Drop It, Should You Eat It: Weigh In On the Five-Second Rule."

The Five Second Rule, of course, stating that if food falls on the floor, it can be eaten so long as it's picked up before five seconds have expired.

I couldn't track down Ms. Clarke's actual paper online, which is a shame, because I have a particular interest in the Five-Second Rule. You see, I recall an incident back in my UCLA days, when my friend Tim was eating a piece of sausage pizza. After a clump of sausage dropped to the pavement, he bent down and cheerily tossed it into his mouth.

This piece of sausage was touching outside-a-dorm-building sidewalk for at least five seconds, if not more. Disgusting. Tim seemed just fine afterwards, not having contracted any horrible diseases apparently, although if he drops dead suddenly at a young age, we'll all know why. Syphillis.

No, no, I'm just kidding. It will be because of sidewalk-borne illnesses!

But the absolute #1 best 2004 Ig Nobel Prize went to the team of Ben Wilson, Lawrence Dill, Robert Batty and Magnus Wahlberg for their remarkable work with herring farts. Seriously!
You see, herrings communicate under the sea by creating burst pulse sounds. Which is a nice way of saying that they fart and listen to other herring farts to figure out what the hell is going on. Awesome. I know some humans who communicate in this same way.

Want to read the whole article? They go on to explain that the "farts" are actually produced by air swallowed by the herring, and not gaseous emissions from their non-existent stomachs, but that kind of spoils the joke. So maybe you want to skip it after all.

By the way, the Annals of Improbable Research (or AIR) have a fairly entertaining blog of their own.