Friday, April 25, 2008

Harrison Ford's Hilarious Insanity

I know celebrities feel empty inside and want to use their pointless and excessive notoriety to some positive end...but can they all just shut up about the goddamn stupid environment already? It's fucked, we're all gonna burn up and die, I get it. We all know it. I'm not denying the veracity of the claims.

[Just a side-note to Climate Change deniers here...You've picked probably the least sexy or dangerous form of "Denial."]

But we can't do anything about it because switching to fluorescent lights won't clean up that Texas-size clump of plastic in the middle of the ocean or force the Chinese to stop driving the cars they were only able to afford for the first time three months ago, and our government's owned by a bunch of corporate criminals who patently refuse to do anything about it. Pretty much regardless who wins in November. So just leave us alone and let us enjoy our last few decades in peace, alright? Go make an action movie and get out of my face.

Okay, so that's pretty much how I feel any more about celebrities and their precious little "let's all go green for just a day!" stuff. But Harrison Ford's patently ludicrous attempt to "raise awareness" or whatever is just too precious to ignore. I mean, seriously, H.F., how much pot would you say you're smoking...per day?

Harrison invited Access Hollywood along as he embarked on a personal project to promote going green. And just how did Harrison, who is the vice chair of the global environment group Conservation International, want to get his message across?

By waxing his chest, of course. In an effort to showcase the pain involved in deforestation, Harrison willingly subject himself to the painful process of stripping his chest of all its follicles.

Huh? Harrison seems to have missed the best thing about hurting plants...they don't feel shit! What does waxing his chest have to do with cutting down trees again? Is this just an excuse to get him to take his shirt off on camera? And to what end? The guy looks fucking ancient these days. I mean, hey, folks, I love Han Solo as much as the rest of you. He acts like he doesn't care, but he actually does. But I can think of no good reason for him to take his shirt off on camera. That's just some of my patented Straight Talk, folks, get used to it.

Yikes. It looks like a melting wax sculpture of Harrison Ford that someone's desperately trying to suture and mend.

I mean, if Harrison's deeply concerned with deforestation and wants to work tirelessly on behalf of tree frogs or cures for various diseases that never seem to pan out or delicious new varieties of Starbucks or whatever the hell they have where deforestation is a problem, that's totally his choice and I wish him all the best. If it keeps my pasty white ass alive for a few extra days, I'll be really thankful.

But, do me a favor, let's go ahead and remain fully clothed, Sport.


Anonymous said...

lmfao @ the "melting wax sculpture" line

Conrad Quilty-Harper said...

But wait, you don't seem to understand! Celebrities aren't humans: they are merely tools for PR companies to promote causes!

I also lmfao at the melting wax sculpture line. Crazy shit.

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