So...that happened...

Dwarf's penis gets stuck to vacuum cleaner

Do I need to keep going?

A dwarf performer at the Edinburgh fringe festival had to be rushed to hospital after his penis got stuck to a vacuum cleaner during an act that went horribly awry.

Awry is right. This is objectively the most awry thing I have ever heard of in my life, ever.

Daniel Blackner, or Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf, was due to perform at the Circus of Horrors at the festival known for its oddball, offbeat performances.

The main part of his act was for him to appear on stage with a vacuum cleaner attached to his member with a special apparatus.

Now this, on the other hand, is a massive understatement. Having a dwarf place his genitals in a vacuum cleaner is not an offbeat performance. It is a perverse display, an affront to all that is good and sacred. It also has the potential to be hilarious and awesome, sure, but I would scarcely describe it as "offbeat." A Jarmusch film is offbeat. A dwarf putting his cock in a powerful home appliance is "deranged."

The attachment broke before the performance and Blackner tried to fix it using extra-strong glue, but unfortunately let it dry for only 20 seconds instead of the 20 minutes required.

Wow. How much was he being paid for this performance again? It was Linda Evangelisa who famously said, of her and her fellow supermodels, "We don't wake up for less than $10,000 a day." Well, I think I can say, on behalf of most of my fellow men, that "We don't put our penises anywhere near a large, noisy, electrified sucking machine for less than $800 billion." Unless, you know, they have been designed expressly for said purpose (and you know that this invention's bound to be right around the corner...)

"It was the most embarrassing moment of my life when I got wheeled into a packed A & E with a vacuum attached to me," Blackner said.

"I just wished the ground could swallow me up. Luckily, they saw me quickly so the embarrassment was short-lived.

He said to the reporter writing a news story using his full name set for international publication and distribution.

Man, this guy is not bright.

[Hat tip, Perez]