Your Potter Sucks Cocks in Hell!

With all the problems and crises in the world facing modern Catholics, it's nice to know their leadership in the Vatican has its priorities in order...

Pope Benedict XVI's chief exorcist, Rev. Gabriele Amorth, has called fictional wizard-in-training Harry Potter the "king of darkness, the devil."

I love that this guy is the Pope's chief exorcist. What, he oversees a staff of exorcists? Exactly how many demon-fighting priests does Joey Ratz have on the payroll? How many exorcists are working underneath him? And really, the bigger question...how do you get to become a professional exorcist, and is it totally the most popular discipline for young priests just entering the service of the Lord?

I mean, is it like Medical School, where you choose a specialty before you graduate and then intern in that field? So the graduating class from Seminary selects from Helping the Poor, Bashing the Gheys, Anointing (that's a tricky one...you can probably only clinch it if you did well in your Pre-Anointing classes back in school), Laundering the Various Robes and Habits, Molesting the Altar Boys...You know, all the possible different jobs for a priest. Doesn't everyone want Exorcism? Those guys are, like, the Rolling Stones of priests. The bad boys of the cloth.

This would be a phenomenal hour-long drama for, oh I don't know...let's say ABC television. Because that's clearly a network with its head on straight. "Casting Out," it could be called. Or "101 Vatican Place." Or even "Law and Order: Motion to Possess." They'd probably be all over that last one at the network. Nothing says demonic to me like branding!

I don't mean to pick on the Catholics in particular. All religions require a steadfast and sincerely held belief in stupid crap. That's what makes them religions. If they only discussed things that were true, someone in the Bush Administration would have forced them all to shut up by now.

I just have fun with the exorcism thing because (1) it's actually condoned and practiced by the actual Catholic Church and (2) it's mind-bogglingly stupid.

Just consider all of the things in which you have to believe in order to arrive at the conclusion that there's such a thing as Exorcism.

- There's a God. And not just some intangible "force" or "power" that may or may not exist and provide some kind of template for future life on Earth. But a personified being called God who has specific powers and abilities and who is willing to intervene in human affairs if we ask Him in the proper way.

- There's a Devil. Again, not some ethereal metaphorical or symbolic concept responsible in some way for human sin. But an actual being called The Devil who actually causes or foments evil in the world, and who may or may not carry a pitchfork and excel at playing the fiddle.

- This Devil is able to actually invade the bodies of human beings, or get one of his minions to do so if He is unavailable. (Say, if he has tickets to see Evanesence in concert that night). I can't figure out why he'd want to take over a person in the first place. I mean, He's the Devil. He has unlimited powers to cause evil already. Why pack himself into one of our weak, ineffecient primate bodies? Apparently just to mess with our heads. What an sick bastard!

- Objects like wooden crosses or water, if properly blessed, can actually obtain holy or otherwise spiritual properties.

- Priests have magical abilities, granted by God, allowing them to trigger the evacuation of a demon from a host body. Bear in mind, this would seem to violate everything Christians are supposed to believe about God and Man, but particularly Jesus, the theoretical lone combination of God and Man in a single entity.

I mean, there's spirituality and then there's just believing a lot of made-up shit because you once saw it in a movie. Granted, a really cool movie. But a movie all the same.

"Magic is always a turn to the devil," said the Roman Catholic priest, according to Britain's Daily Mail newspaper.

Amorth, who is also the president of the International Association of Exorcists, said the series contains many positive references to "the satanic art" of magic and makes no distinction between black and white magic.

Anyone else notice what I notice? That this guy is speaking about "magic" like it's real? How can "magic" represent a turn to the devil if no one in recorded history has ever actually done anything magical? Okay, fine, except David Blaine.

Maybe it's just a mistranslation. Maybe he said "Reading about magic is always a turn to the devil." Because that's what we're talking about here. A series of books about a boy who can do magic. Not actual magic. I mean...Does the Catholic Church now officially believe in magic? Does this mean David Copperfield will one day be recognized as a saint? For his final trick, he'll be appearing in a tortilla in Juarez.

I have not read all the Potter books (I stopped after #4, "The Gobbler of Firecrotch"), so maybe I'm just out of the loop...but I don't recall any references to Satan at all. Let alone the "satanic arts." Actually, J.K. Rowling pretty much leaves God out of the picture. The main characters aren't religious, but I see no reason to believe that no magic people have religion in the Potter universe. Perhaps they are divided just like Muggles on this issue.

Anyway, the view of magic takes its tradition more from classic secular British children's literature than the Bible. This magic isn't an affront to God, but a special connectedness to the secret, hidden world of enchantment that lies just behind the humdrum everyday reality of modern English life. More Tolkein, less Lewis.

I also can't help but think that these guys just aren't very well read. Phillip Pullman's "His Dark Materials" trilogy is both better than the Harry Potter books and way more blasphemous. (They boil down on some levels to a metaphor/plea for atheism, or at the very least passionate humanism.)

Then again, I suppose reading voraciously and believing in mystical ceremonies that yank Captain Howdy out of little vomiting girls aren't really complimentary lifestyles. You go with one or the other. Amorth's picked his side. Unfortunately, he's not alone...

Amorth's criticisms of Potter weren't the first to emerge from the Catholic Church, which has never been a fan of the series.

Benedict voiced his disapproval of the character and series before he became Pope in April 2005.

Then Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger of Germany, he wrote a supportive letter in 2005 to the author of a book Harry Potter - Good or Evil? In it, sociologist Gabriele Kuby had argued that Harry Potter series distorts young people's ideas about the battle of good versus evil.

"It is good that you enlighten people about Harry Potter because those are subtle seductions, which act unnoticed and by this deeply distort Christianity in the soul before it can grow properly," Ratzinger told Kuby in his letter.

Can you believe there's an entire book written by a grown man debating whether or not fucking Harry fucking Potter is "good" or "evil"? And then The Pope decided, "Hey, I'm a busy man, but that's a book I simply have to read." It's a fucking children's book, you idiots! Maybe next they'll give us their considered opinions about Barbie's reign over Fairytopia. Is she a benevolent despot or authoritarian imperialist?

Or what about Babar? Is it right for him to just be crowned King of the Elephants when he didn't even grow up as a member of the tribe? And let's not forget that Man in the Yellow Hat! Surely there must be some laws about simply bringing a wild, and particularly curious, animal into the big city and then allowing him to wander around the streets unsupervised. I know President Bush has been deeply concerned these past five years about the suspicious and possibly subversive activities of a certain "pet goat." Perhaps these guys should all get together in Dick Cheney's spare bunker and draw up some long-term proposals to really get these fictional characters under control. Remember, if we don't fight them in the Barnes & Noble kiddie section, we'll just end up fighting them in the self-improvement aisle.

In closing, let me just say this...For the sake of all you Catholics, I hope Der Popenfuhrer will finally agree to the recommendation of the Vatican II Council and declare a religious holiday on every recognized saint's un-birthday. We all have 364 un-birthdays a year! Think of the vacation time!