Best. Article. Ever.

Oh, God, I'm going to be late for work now because I have to post something about this article. I found it thanks to Attaturk at Rising Hegemon.

Here's the headline. It's unfortunate:

'Idol' singer Clay Aiken may serve Bush

Tee hee...

Clay Aiken is in line to be named to the President's Committee for People with Intellectual Disabilities, the White House said Wednesday.

Wait, does he have...Is he...I always thought he was just kind of slow.

Oh, wait, he's going to be on the Committee. He'll be helping out others with the intellectual and the disabilities. I must have misunderstood. Anyway, I can't think of anyone more qualified for an important position with the government than the King of bad dinner theater musicals, that Gay Guy who came in Second on "American Idol." Behind the Velvet Teddy Bear.

Aiken, a Raleigh native who gained fame as a runner-up on "American Idol," once worked as a YMCA counselor.

Hang on...That's not even fair...It's like the article's doing the jokes for me. Screw you, Associated Press, this is my bit...

The committee's Web site said it advises the president on issues pertaining to people with intellectual disabilities. The committee was established in 1961 by President John Kennedy as the President's Panel on Mental Retardation.
Can you imagine a meeting between Clay Aiken and President George W. Bush. Just think about it for a second. "American Idol" runner-up Clay Aiken...Illiterate cowboy doofus George W. Bush...Okay, now, do you want your brain to explode? Are you sure? Okay, so, imagine that there's a meeting between Clay Aiken and President George W. Bush and they're discussing...what to do about Mental Retardation!

Okay, okay...calm down...Is your mind still alright? No popped blood vessels. That's a near-fatal dose of irony you've just been administered. You may feel a little weak for a while, but you're going to be alright.

A White House press release said President Bush intends to make the appointment. Officials did not say when.

Hmm...When might this notable press-saturated event go down? I wonder...

The singer's new album, "A Thousand Different Ways," is due out later this month.

Oh. Probably then.

Anyway, I'd say this is definitely a President who has his priorities straight. Awarding meaningless ceremonial positions involving those with mental disabilities to pop singers as a way of promoting their new album/conferring upon you some measure of likability by proxy. Karl Rove, you is a genius!

If the Prez is looking to give some of Aiken's chart-toppers a listen before the big meeting (I'm sure he's super-duper-excited), might I recommend a little track called "If I Was Invisible." Mr. President, there's a secret message in this song...just for you...Can you guess what it is?

As for His Clayness, I mean, what can I say...Bravo, man...I wouldn't have thought it possible to be any more of a tool to the Establishment than being a runner-up on American Idol. But, congrats, man. You found a way...