What Needs to be Said

I have watched our efforts to establish freedom and liberty in the Middle East through an Iraqi government, and it seems to me that these efforts have failed. Liberty, okay, sure. That's clearly been installed in Iraq. Freedom, too, I suspect. It's just that, the people can't enjoy the freedom and the liberty that we imported to them, because things keep exploding in their homes killing them and their entire families. It's a problem.

I mean, like Senator James Inhofe said, Iraq is a miracle. Don't get me wrong. It's clearly a miracle. Our God, who is much more powerful than the brown people's Make-Believe God, has given us a chance to go over to these poor, primitive countries and show them how great we are. That is significant, and let us never forget these blessings.

Of course, things are not going exactly as planned. I'm not sure anyone could have prepared for this eventuality, but rather than our initial plan of "being greeted with flowers and candy," things have degenerated into something of a savage hellscape, more like a scene from a back issue of Spawn than an American Revolutionary-style burgeoning democracy.

Obviosuly, the Democrats have nothing to offer on this issue but "cut and run." Get this...They want us to leave Iraq just because our presence there isn't doing any good and the vast majority of our citizenry want us to leave. Can you believe those wimps?

As for the serious commentators and pundits, the ones who know the only way to win a war is to start kicking exponentially greater amounts of ass, there have been several suggestions. Clearly, as Alan Dershowitz here implies, we should stop concerning ourselves with civilian casualties. Kill 'em all, let their Make-Believe God sort 'em out, that's Dershowitz's motto. Andrew Sullivan prefers to focus in on an intensive study of the diseased Muslim mind. Why did God see fit to punish an entire race of people with the flaming bug-eyed crazies? What is it that's wrong in the brains that doesn't allow them to see the great gift that America is bringing them? The one that came right behind the bombs?

Anyway, I think the answer is clear. We don't need to rethink our approach to the region. We don't need to get our troops out of harm's way and assure Iraqis that we don't mean to permanently occupy their country. We simply need to prove our resolve. The truth is, we're losing in Iraq because we're not killing enough Iraqis! Oh, also, we need to make our case more effectively to the Iraqi people.

In short, we need to start torturing babies.

Okay, now, I know that there's a natural resistance out there to the idea of electrocuting, drowning or just stomping the hell out of little, defenseless babies. Our enemies are counting on our mercifulness. Don't you see? This will take them totally by surprise. Who would ever imagine we'd start torturing babies? Genius!

I'm sure some elitist America-hating godless liberals will start whining about how you can't get actionable intelligence from an infant. Because they can't speak or whatever. This argument makes no sense at all. I mean, you can't get actionable intelligence by torturing a full-grown Iraqi either, but that hasn't stopped us before. Also, the babies may not be able to actually speak (and even if they could, they probably couldn't speak English and we already fired all the queermo Arabic translators), but they can still communicate vital information. Such as whether or not they have to go #2 and whether they prefer Dora the Explorer to the Backyardigans. Hey, you never know what's going to be useful intel for our agents in the field.

There's a couple different methods we could employ on the babies. I'm still kind of undecided on which would be the most painful, and therefore effective. Remember, the rules say that we can do anything that doesn't cause organ failure, so things could get pretty sloppy. We'll probably need to get on the phone to Halliburton for some new devices and supplies...

Tiny little electrodes to stick on the babies torso. (Hey, I just realized that the testicles on the boy babies won't have descended yet, robbing us of a perfectly good place to stick on an electrode...Too bad.) Cutting board-sized planks to hold the baby against during waterboarding. Small black hoods that will crade their soft skulls yet provide for the adequate amount of humiliation and fear.

I know that now this sounds pretty unpleasant, but give it a few months to sink in, and it won't even bother you any more. Remember those photos of American soldiers giving the thumbs up next to piles of naked bandaged Iraqi men, and how upsetting those were at the time? No one cares at all any more, and that wasn't even that long ago!

Trust me, this will work. Once word gets out in Baghdad that the crazy Americans have started tortuing babies, even Hezbollah won't want to fuck with us any more. It's like going to prison. That first day, you either need to kick someone's ass or make everyone think you're crazy. Well, we're clearly not capable of kicking anyone's ass any more, so we better go with Plan B. And, like it or not, that means baby torture.