The More You Pretend to Know!

George Bush takes his lying very seriously. He doesn't just make shit up in order to trick people. That's for beginners. No, he concocts entire fantasy worlds of bullshit, populated by all manner of magical, mysterious wonders of fabulism. He's like the J.R.R. Tolkein of crap.

We're way beyond the point of no return here. He and all his cronies and hangers-on have long since bid goodbye to the World of Reality and bought into their own propaganda. They truly seem to think that, so long as they continue saying things, those things will continue to be true. Of course, this includes the Big Lies of our time - we're fighting a War on Terror, we're seeing through an important mission in Iraq, individual liberties must be compromised during wartime - but it also extends to the everyday fiction that drives the President's Cult of Personality forward.

Last week, I discussed Bush's announcement that he had read The Stranger, a novel by Albert Camus that most people read in high school but that I don't believe for one second was read by George W. Bush. Now, as if that small embarrassment - the leader of the free world bragging about reading a slim volume typically assigned to 16 year olds - weren't enough, we have an intensely dubious "reading contest" between George Bush and Karl Rove. Uh huh. Sure.

Maybe it was the influence of his wife, Laura, a former librarian, or his mother, Barbara, a longtime promoter of literacy. Or perhaps he was just eager to dispel his image as an intellectual lightweight. But President Bush now wants it known that he is a man of letters.

In fact, Bush has entered a book-reading competition with Karl Rove, his political adviser. White House aides say the president has read 60 books so far this year (while the brainy Rove, to Bush's competitive delight, has racked up only 50).

Now, I'm no huge fan of Karl Rove's. But a reading contest between him and George W? That's like Superman taking on Olive Oyl in a street fight. It's a rap battle between Chuck D. and Kevin Federline! No fair!

So, clearly, the whole thing is just made up. 60 books? No fucking way. Only a few years ago, this guy was bragging about how he never reads newspapers. And they want us to believe that he's now finding 2, 3 hours a day to spend engrossed in the great works of the Western canon? I know they want to make him seem a little smarter, what with the constant public idiocy and all that, but this kind of overcompensation is just ridiculous.

Unfortunately, the White House hasn't released a full list of the 60 books Bush is pretending to have read. C-SPAN however did score a scoop - his "summer" reading list. These are the books Bush read this summer.

Quick Red Fox by John D. MacDonald
The Dreadful Lemon Sky by John D. MacDonald
After Fidel: The Inside Story of Castro's Regime and Cuba's Next Leader by Brian Latell
Challenger Park by Stephen Harrigan
Flashman at the Charge by George MacDonald Fraser
Finding Fish: A Memoir by Antwone Quenton Fisher
Revolutionary Characters: What Made the Founders Different by Gordon S. Wood
The Bridge at Andau by James Michener
Flash for Freedom by George MacDonald Fraser
Mayflower : A Story of Courage, Community, and War by Nathaniel Philbrick
Through a Glass, Darkly : A Commissario Guido Brunetti Mystery by Donna Leon
Manhunt: The 12-Day Chase for Lincoln's Killer by James L. Swanson
Decision at Sea: Five Naval Battles that Shaped American History by Craig L. Symonds
The Big Bam: The Life and Times of Babe Ruth by Leigh Montville
Clemente: The Passion and Grace of Baseball's Last Hero by David Maraniss
American Prometheus: The Triumph and Tragedy of J. Robert Oppenheimer by Kai Bird & Martin J. Sherwin
The Messenger by Daniel Silva
The Places in Between by Rory Stewart
Beach Road by James Patterson & Peter de Jonge
Lincoln: A Life of Purpose and Power by Richard Carwardine
Polio: An American Story by David Oshinsky
The Stranger by Albert Camus
Lincoln's Greatest Speech: The Second Inaugural by Ronald C. White, Jr.
Promised Land, Crusader State by Walter McDougall
Cinnamon Skin: Travis McGee Mysteries by John D. MacDonald
Macbeth by William Shakespeare
Hamlet by William Shakespeare

Macbeth and Hamlet, Mr. President? Come, come now. That's like changing your report card from C's to straight A+'s. You might have gotten away with it if you just went for the B.

I mean, that would be an ambitious summer reading list if all you were doing all day was reading. Not impossible, I suppose. With a few hours of daily committed reading, it's entirely possible to read 27 books in few months. But Chimpy McDumbfuck? We're supposed to believe he's doing this stuff in between the times when he's Presidenting. I doubt the guy can talk and chew gum at the same time.

They should totally be less ambitious with their bogus "Bush is Real Smart!" propaganda. Here's an idea...An article on MSNBC about how Bush solved a Rubix Cube!

"This morning, George Bush solved the Rubix Cube that had frustrated Karl Rove for months, a top aide said. Rove had managed to get two entire sides correct, but could not get any further without messing up the work he had already done. After throwing the toy away in disgust, a wily and clever George Bush picked it up and, setting aside the surgical manual he had been leafing through, solved the puzzle in under 3 minues."

That story might be believable. Or "Plucky President and his dog warn mayor about leaky dam, earn medals." But not 27 books, some of them long, involved and specialized in nature.

I will say this...The list was put together in a clever, calculated way. (His wife is, after all, a librarian). A couple of baseball titles in there...Some mysteries. You know, just to make it a little more believable. Plus, they remembered this his primary field of study was beer blow cheerleading history. And they kept it contemporary, books of significance largely from the past few years, including a lot of 2006 titles. (That book about Lincoln's killers, Manhunt, is being made into a movie.)

That is, until they gave in to temptation and put Shakespeare there at the end. Oh, please. You might as well claim Bush is reading the Dead Sea Scrolls in the original Aramaic. (He can watch Passion of the Christ without subtitles!)

You'll notice, as well, they don't give us any of the books on Karl Rove's reading list. I guess no one in the White House Press Office could figure out how to spell "Necronomicon."

Really, this whole thing is just another distraction, designed to get us talking about something - anything - other than what's really happening in America and the world right now. With Spike Lee's Katrina documentary airing on HBO this week and the world's attention still squarely on his desperate, homicidal bungling in Iraq (not to mention his good friends in Israel's desperate, homicidal bungling in Lebanon), Bush needs us talking about his reading list and not his ongoing failure as a President. I mean, come on, let's focus on the important issues going on today, not Bush's made-up summer reading. Did you know that pollution is shrinking polar bears' penises?