JMPP

This afternoon, I was discussing Maggie Gyllenhaal with a friend. I explained that, though she's got an interesting look and I think she's very talented, I just don't find her that attractive. I don't think she's ugly by any stretch, but she just has kind of a weird chipmunk face that doesn't do it for me. In fact, I'm fairly surprised that she manages to get as much work as she does, considering the myriad, more traditionally beautiful actresses with whom she competes for plum roles.

My friend shot back at me the standard response issued whenever men discuss celebrity female's attractivity. "If Maggie Gyllenhaal liked you, you'd be into her, man."

This is blindingly obvious. Of course I'd sex up Maggie Gyllenhaal if she was into me. I don't get to have sex with all that many different girls. So anyone without an oozing skin condition or severe halitosis who is under the age of 65 earns at the very least my consideration. If they appear to have bathed that day, the deal is pretty much sealed.

It's not a fair standard, whether I would have sex with a given celebrity. We're talking about an emotionless comparison. I don't think Maggie Gylenhaal, speaking strictly on the issue of physical appearance, is as good-looking as the majority of Hollywood starlets.

I should say that no standard is 100% fair when discussing things like human attraction. It's purposefully a mystery to us why we're attracted to certain people and not others. For example, I'm similarly not interested in looking at naked Paris Hilton, although most other males in the universe appear fascinated by the subject. To me, she resembles one of those insectst that disguises itself as a tree branch - all brown spindly legs and nothing more. Plus, I already mentioned that rule I have about bathing.

I'm always amused by people who try to "understand" why they are attracted to certain individuals, who try to turn dating and love into some sort of an alternative job search. Which brings me to my actual intended topic, this very very sad, lonely blog post by a libertarian named Jacqueline Mackie Paisley Passey. I'm pretty sure that's one too many names. Was her mother Ms. Mackie-Paisley and her father Mr. Passey? Or is her middle name Mackie Paisley? Because that's a horrible middle name to give a child.

Over the past month (since I left Terrence) I’ve received several offers of dates and relationships from various men who read this blog. I’m not looking for a new boyfriend right now but it seems I should clarify what it is I look for in a man when I am, which will hopefully stem the flow of offers from guys who really don’t have it.

Yes, she's publishing a list of reasons why her readers aren't good enough to date her. How lovely.

To my mind, this is one of those essential gender differences - most even remotely attractive women have to get used to being hit on all the time, whereas only the most attractive men will have to deal with this problem regularly. A lot of women, I have observed, kind of develop an ego after a few years of receiving random compliments and come-ons from men. They forget that almost all women - even some bag ladies - get this kind of male attention. Men are extremely horny, and most of them are not particularly discriminating. I do not excuse myself from these generalizations.

But that doesn't mean you are the hottest woman on the planet, or that you hold some special super-secret power over all of mankind or (and this one is key) that you have any unique wisdom to impart to mankind. It just means some guys find you kind of hot and want to get in your pants, and you have to either accept their advances or repel them using any creative means at your disposal. That's it.

I am a very high-quality woman. I know that sounds arrogant, but let’s consider the facts:

Yes, let's...

I’m slim (whereas 62% of American women age 20 to 74 are overweight)

Reowr.

I’m attractive (my new picture has been rated more attractive than 86% of the women on Hot or Not -- and the women who upload their pictures are a self-selected sample that is probably already biased towards being more attractive than the general female population)

It's interesting that she boldly states "I'm attractive" and then offers a website survey based on a single, small photo as "evidence" of this fact. Is attraction something that can be proved with hard data? Isn't it still up to me if I find her attractive? (I do, kind of, based on the picture, and I'd definitely have sex with her. It would probably be angry sex, but that's often the best kind.)

I’m relatively young (whereas 82% of American adult women are over 30 years old)

Hey, enjoy that for a few more years.

I’m intelligent (IQ tested at 145 when I was a child, which is 3 standard deviations above the mean -- higher than 99.85% of the population. Even if I’ve gotten dumber as I’ve aged I’m probably still at least a 130, which is higher than 97.5% of the population.)

See, here's where Jacqueline's whole system starts to break down. Does anyone here think childhood IQ correlates in any meaningful way to eligibility for dating in one's late 20's? But beyond that point, can you imagine sitting down a writing a blog post in which you list all the great qualities you have that would make people want to date you? And even if you can imagine that, can you imagine starting with your weight, then your Hot or Not score, then your childhood IQ?

To me, that says that Jackie knows she doesn't have a lot of actually attractive qualities, so she has to fall back on the old standbys - good lookin' and smart! Trying to "prove it" through "evidence" just indicates a paritcularly unattractive quality - insecurity.

I’m educated (whereas 77% of American women do not have bachelor’s degrees)

I tend to be attracted to smart women. I once broke up with a girl whom I found physically attractive because her taste in music and film was pedestrian and she wasn't well-read. (I can't deal with someone who doesn't get any of my references. At least 30% is pretty much mandatory.) But I'm not attracted to their degrees. Most of the time, I don't even know if they have a degree when I first become attracted to someone. It's their actual intelligence. You know, the kind you discern from talking with them?

I have my financial shit together (no debt, perfect credit history, 6+ months living expenses saved, adequate insurance, self employed)

Adequate insurance...What an incurable romantic!

I have a strong libido and love having sex (my lover *never* has to beg, unless it’s for me to let him get some sleep!)

I can't really argue with this one. What's the point of going out with a girl who's making you beg for sex? I can enjoy not having sex alone at any time, and it's a lot cheaper, less time consuming and not at all stressful.

Most of my interests tend to be more popular with men than women: science fiction, libertarianism, blogging, politics, economics, guns, gambling, etc.

I think I'm starting to get a feel for Jacqueline's personality a bit better...She's one of these women who always wants to "hang around with the guys." She doesn't have a lot of friends who are girls, because "girls are all catty bitches" and she doesn't get along with them. Thus this particularly macho, aggressive, male "I'm going to stick it to all these pathetic dudes who won't get off my jock" article. I suspect all this arrogance and attitude really covers the fact that Jacqueline feels insecure about her relationships with men, particularly in the wake of this most recent breakup.

Don't believe me? Consider this...That's the end of her list! Those are the qualities Jackie thinks make her attractive to men. Let's review. She's thin. She looks good according to the random, anonymous weirdos at Hot or Not. She had a high IQ the last time she was tested, as a kid. She has a bachelor's degree. She's not in debt. She likes to fuck. She's a nerd who likes card games.

Anyone else getting seriously turned on?

Given that self-improvement is an ongoing project of mine this list will continue to grow (I’m currently working on adding bilingual, very physically fit, well-traveled, higher income, and fantastic cook to the list). So even when “relatively young” (an important criteria for most men) drops off that list, I should have added enough other things that my overall dating market value should remain the same or even improve.

Oh, man, I am so right about this...I totally have this girl's number. Just read it as if it's her inner monologue. "In a few years, I'll be more physically fit and better traveled and super-rich and then all the guys will really want me! If other people can't handle it, well, they're just jealous of my awesomeness! Back away, fans in my readership! You're totally not good enough for the goddess. Okay, now back to blogging..."

The above list explains why I typically receive 50-100 (sometimes more) responses whenever I post personal ads. This is in addition to getting hit on almost every time I go out alone (and all that those men know about me is that they like the way I look, they don’t even know about all the other qualities I have that make me more appealing than most other women).

Can you imagine? These guys are hitting on her merely because of the way she looks. They don't even know she's all about libertarianism!

See what I mean about this being sad? Jackie writes a post about breaking up with her boyfriend. A couple of nerdy weirdos who read her blog start to send her creepy e-mails asking her out. Her response? Just ignore the nerdy weirdos? Play it classy and let them down easy, never mentioning it to the wider audience for fear of embarrassing someone?

Of course not! Obviously, you should write a long post about why they're not good enough for you because you're so thin and how you get 100 offers every time you post a personal ad!

A desperate need for acceptance unintentionally revealed like this just hits a chord with me. This woman actually feels like her post - this rambling tribute to her fragile ego - is doing others a genuine service, letting them know that she is out of their league.

So, I have a *lot* of choices of men who want to date me. Given that, of course I choose to date only the highest quality men -- men who are also fit, attractive, intelligent, educated, financially successful, etc. I’m attracted to men from any race and a wide age range (21 to 50 or so) so the pool of men who meet those requirements is quite large, which allows me to add all sorts of additional restrictions if I want -- must be atheist, must be libertarian, must not want (more) children, must be financially independent or self-employed and available for frequent world travel, etc.

Do you think she's ever just met someone and enjoyed their company? Ever? In her life? Or will a superficial outlook just never allow for such a chance encounter? I'm thinking she applies this mathematical guideline every time she meets someone of the opposite sex. "Hey, this individual meets 8 or my 9 proscribed guidelines! Perhaps we should have a blood test done, exchange 401k documentation and then move this relationship into Phase 2.3!"

Also, considering that only 3% of Americans actually self-identify as "atheists," I'd say that's really cutting down the eligible field. Why not limit yourself to only the ambidexterous or albinos while you're at it?

Some people scoffed at the long list of requirements in my personal ad last year. Yet in less than two weeks I found five men who met my listed requirements and wanted a relationship with me. If I were to put more time and effort into looking I could probably find hundreds of high-quality men who both met my standards and were interested in dating me too. I can be picky.

Now, I'm not trying to say that people shouldn't be picky. I'm picky and I have next to no romantic prospects whatsoever! If anything, I think people in general are not picky enough. Most people strike me as so desperate to be involved in a relationship, they will cling to almost anyone they meet who is willing and looks good, no matter how incompatible they might be together.

What I object to is not so much the message of Jacqueline's post. Some women do begin to select potential mates based on elements beyond pure attractiveness and personality after a while, because they want to find someone to marry in order to start a family. (Notice I say "some." While this obviously includes Jacqueline, it doesn't include all women, despite popular misconceptions. I know several women circling 30 with little to no outspoken desire to settle down and make babies. Not a majority. But several.)

No, it's her tone that's all wrong, that betrays her at every turn. It's the use of the phrase "high-quality men" to indicate those individuals she finds attractive. It's offensive and rude and indicates a larger distaste for men in general. (Only if they rise above typical maleness in these ways are they "high-quality." All others are simply the sobriquet "men.") As I am not particularly attracted to Jacqueline as a mate (I said I would sleep with her, not date her), does that make her a less-than-high-quality female?

So, although I am not looking for a new boyfriend right now -- I am waiting until October, after I’ve decided where I want to live -- those are the factors that I (and many other women) keep in mind when assessing potential romantic relationships. Just having some interests in common is *far* from enough.

Thank God all women don't think this way, despite what Jacqueline may imply, or I might have to take that sheepherding job up on Brokeback Mountain after all. "Okay, so, I'll decide where I want to live then find some male to keep around of sufficiently lean body mass with at least a Master's Degree...Then I think I'll go buy some drapes!"

I realize that some of you will find this post depressing because you’ll realize that you don’t qualify as a high quality man and thus won’t be able to get a high quality woman. You have a few options:

Actually, Jack, that's not at all why I find this post depressing. I adjusted mentally to the fact that I'm not terrifically desirable some time ago. It no longer has the power to unsettle me. I think most people over the age of 21 or so are this way. Imagine the ego to think that a rejection from her will have such tremendous power to devastate young men.

But, please, JMPP, enlighten me with your wisdom:

Lower your standards and stop pursuing women who are out of your league. There are lots of fat single mothers out there who can’t find dates either.

Disgusting. What a wretched human being.

Notice this is primarily addressed to men who have written her recently asking for a date. The cruelty she bestows! The hatred she has for people who have done nothing but express fondness and respect. She's "out of their league." They'd be better off with (ugh) "fat single mothers."

Man, you nerds can have this one...This is a women only the Marquis de Sade and Alfred Hitchcock could love. Her body's 70% ice water.

Look in the developing world. If you’re literate with a home computer and an internet connection you are very wealthy compared to the rest of the world. Citizenship or legal permanent residency in a rich country makes you more attractive to women in poorer countries. Your value on the dating market is thus much higher there.

Is that supposed to be funny? We can deduce from this paragraph that she finds the mail-order bride market and international sex slave trade either viable or hilarious.

Self-improvement! I used to be a fat unattractive college dropout who couldn’t get her life together. Now I’m thin, attractive, and successfully self-employed after graduating. You can make yourself over into a higher-quality man capable of winning a higher-quality woman too.

It is so fucking hard to be right all the time. What did I say? "This aggression seems to be masking some sort of insecurity..." What does Jackie come up with? "I used to be a fat unattractive college dropout."

Dingdingdingdingdingdingding! We have a winner!

Jackie, guess what? Inside, you're still that fat unattractive college dropout. A couple of degrees and some cardiovascular exercize has done nothing to heal your psychic wounds! That's why you need to go online and tell strangers about how great you are and brag about how men fawn all over you!

Thanks to everyone who e-mailed or commented their offers, it's nice to feel wanted.

You have a funny way of showing it.

Although I'm not looking for a new relationship right now (don't worry, I'll blog about it when I am), hopefully this post gave those of you who are interested a better idea of your chances in the future.

It sure has!

Chances of my visiting Jacqueline's blog again in the future: 0%