Our Next President Will Be HilRod

My own sense of the world pretty much tells me that Hillary Clinton's going to be our next President. At long last, Americans have seen the light, finally coming to their senses and seeing BushCo. for the criminal organization it has always been. So I'm not really worried about more trouble from the Rethuglicans in '06 or '08.

Come on...who are they going to nominate? Bill Frist? There are sexually-transmitted diseases with higher favorability ratings than that guy. I'm sorry, but once you start using your status as Senate Majority Leader to make inaccurate medical examinations of unconscious women several states over via video...America's going to have a hard time taking you seriously.

There was a time when I thought Jeb in '08 for sure (if only because Americans, I fear, would genuinely like to vote for a man named "Jeb"). But the whole family name's becoming more and more toxic by the day. I'm not sure a Bush will be able to get elected Pledgemaster of Theta Chi after this doofus has finished up his run.

The only Repugnanticans I can see getting actually elected by the American people are Rudy Giuliani and John McCain, but I don't think they have a real shot of winning the nomination. (Particularly Rudy, who despite appropriately fascist tendencies tends to agree with me on stuff like gay marriage, which isn't going to fly with the old intolerant bastards of the Grand Old Party).

So they're screwed. And I can't see any Democrats genuinely presenting a challenge to HilRod. She's clearly the most famous Democrat in the country who hasn't already been president. Plus, you just know women who have never bothered to vote before will show up to vote for a female president.

And I'm not even saying that's a bad thing! It plays in my favor. Not to mention that she's married to the single most famous, popular Democrat of them all, a man who had significantly higher popularity numbers than the current guy while people were talking 24/7 on TV about how he's a lying pervert! (And don't take my word for it. Read this Walter Shapiro article in Salon about why Hillary's such a massive front-runner).

To be honest, there are a lot of Democrats I'd prefer to vote for than Hillary. As much as I find the guy personally appealing, I didn't think Bill Clinton was a particularly good president. And Hillary's exactly the sort of hedge-your-bets centrist that's always pissing me off, abandoning worthwhile social programs, blathering on like an idiot about violence in video games, even voting to go to Iraq and to ban flag-burning.

Are you fucking kidding me, lady? You think we should be punished for burning up a symbol representing America? What about pictures of Uncle Sam? Can I burn those? What about a piece of paper with the word "America" written on it? What if it's written in red-white-and-blue ink, huh? The only time I think you should be punished for burning a symbol of America is if it happens to be a live bald eagle. Cause, you know, they're endangered.

The other thing that will bother me about voting for Hillary, but will not stop me from voting for Hillary, is the whole dynastic thing. It would mean that our four most recent presidents came from two families. Now, yes, I realize that two of our first six presidents were related as well, but that's hardly the kind of thing the Founders had in mind. (Not to mention that it was a father and son, who have at least a somewhat greater chance of differing perspectives as opposed to a married couple.)

No matter...I'll vote for her anyway, because this other party is, as I said before, an organization composed almost entirely of criminal lunatics. Say what you will about the leaders of the Democratic Party, but last I checked, most of them were sane and willing to obey the Constitution.

Everything aside, the real reason I know for a fact that Hillary will win is that the crazy right-wing goofballs are terrified of her. Speaking of lunatics, you simply must check out fringe whackjob Kaye Grogan's most recent column.

For those of you whom I haven't yet turned on to Ms. Grogan, allow me to explain. (Or check out another post I wrote about her here.) See, she wants to parrot the same Karl Rove-approved talking points that all the other conservative wingnut bloggers follow. But, unbelievably, she's not clever enough. Yes, I know, it's not hard to just reprint what Nutty Blogger Headquarters tells you, but Kaye just can't seem to master it all the same. So the right-wing talking points, that were banal and illogical to begin with, get contorted and mixed-up in Kaye's Infrasturcutre of Stupid, emerging even more dumb than they already were going in.

And this week, despite the fact that her guy's in charge for another 3 years, she's on the attack against...Hillary Clinton. And let me tell you, it's charming.

Has President Bush been a perfect president? No! But I trust his decisions more than I would Democrats who tend to be a bit "flaky" most of the time, and can't seem to find a viable platform without falling off of it head first.

Yeah, I mean...nobody's perfect. Who among us hasn't decimated an entire Middle Eastern nation while simultaneously bankrupting America and turning the entire world against us? And, I mean, it's not like he's flaky. When he embarks on a ruinous course based on half-truths, racism and greed...he sticks to it, consarn it!

We need leaders that will work to solve the problems in America — not add to them. I agree with the wise saying: if you're not part of the solution — you're part of the problem. We certainly need more problem solvers as opposed to problem makers.

Only a Sith speaks in absolutes, Anakin! I have failed you.

From one week to the next, Hillary Clinton changes her mind more than Hedda Hopper changed hats.

Oh, man, that is vintage Grogan. In that other post I linked you to, she made a really antiquated reference to Groucho Marx's cigars. This time, it's freaking Hedda Hopper's hats! Kaye Grogan rules!

(By the way, to those of you who don't get the reference, Hedda Hopper was a Hollywood gossip columnist from the 40's and 50's known for her large, flamboyant hats. A bit of trivia...Hopper became reviled in Hollywood for naming names of "Communists" to the House of Un-American Activities Committee, including many individuals who had absolutely not Communist affiliation).

To me being unstable is certainly not what I would call a viable candidate for the highest office in the country. Besides, she can't keep up with what her husband is doing — much less what is going on in America.

Ugh...Unspeakably vile. The campaign for the '08 Presidency is at least a full year away, and already Grogan can't wait to attack the woman in the single most obvious, despicable and personal way possible. It's not even a sensible argument...Because Hillary's husband was unfaithful, she's not qualified to be President? Because, clearly, if anyone has ever betrayed your trust and cheated on you, you must be an idiot.

According to Senator Clinton, we should secure our borders and in the next breath — we are treating Jesus bad, if we don't allow drug cartels and gang members to come on over to America to push the land of dreams and prosperity right out of the hands of born Americans.

Mmm...that's good racism! Kaye's really bringing the ignorance from all directions. I admire the fact that she's not content to just have stupid, racist opinions, but she likes to awkwardly phrase them using poor grammar and syntax as well. It's just that little something extra you only get with the truly mentally imbalanced columnists.

By the way Ms. Clinton — what would you call supporting killing Jesus' babies in the womb?

Oh my God, someone aborted Jesus' baby! That's horrible. Why didn't I hear about this? This means all that Da Vinci Code stuff is really true!

Hey, wait a minute...Jesus is back, and he's wasting his time knocking up chicks and then getting them abortions? Shouldn't he be bringing about God's Kingdom on Earth, escorting all the good Christians to Heaven on a golden chariot while punishing all us heathens? Color me disappointed.
The way the Democrats support those who are involved with wrongdoing should make the hair stand up on one's body.

At Kaye's suggestion, I just had a look at my body, and none of its hairs are standing up. I think that's probably because this particular body has been dead for a few weeks. Really, it's starting to turn, I should get a new one. I'm just working late all this week, and it's not always easy to get started stalking someone new...

But, okay, all sarcasm aside...This next paragraph is truly, truly ludicrous. It's the most hilarious thing I've read on the ol' Intar-Web in some time...

The only way the poor narrow-minded Democrats are going to get accurate polls is to quit polling themselves. If we are to believe the recent polls that Americans are now favoring and trusting them over the Republicans, we have to accept that their favorable ratings are now hovering in the 60 percentile range. And we will have to believe that overnight all of the red states have now turned to blue. Somebody has to be off their rocker if they expect those of us who know better, to believe these bogus polls.

Brilliant.

"Hey, Kaye, if your first assumption upon seeing poll numbers against your side is that the polls must be fraudulent, what would it take for you to believe Americans simply don't agree with your perspective?"

"I'd have to see that all the red states have turned blue."

"Kaye, you realize that 'red states' and 'blue states' aren't really all one color, but are filled with a variety of people who can change their mind about current affairs at any time, right?"

...

"Right?"

...

"Kaye, are you still there?"

I really have a problem with people who try to use the Bible to try and point out when they think Christians and conservatives are not acting accordingly to how they think they should act — and then on the other hand trying to have people arrested for "hate" crimes if the scriptures pointing out as plain as Pinocchio's nose, that people are living in sin, is read out loud from pulpits on Sunday mornings.

Oh, okay, lets just change gears, then. Folks, this is all from the same column. And I'm not leaving out a lot of stuff either. She just skips around between hateful rhetoric, at random, like a Chatty Cathy doll that has undergone the Ludovico Treatment.

It's just indescipherable pseudo-fascist ramblings! No sense at all! Who publishes this stuff, and to what end? I'm just going to try, for the sake of argument, in case anyone's still reading, to interpret what the hell Kaye is talking about. Bit by bit.

"I really have a problem with people who try to use the Bible to try and point out..."

Okay, so Kaye wants to be able to condemn people she doesn't know by citing the Bible, but she doesn't want anyone to be able to correct her ignorance of said text.

"and then on the other hand having people arrested for hate crime..."

So, Kaye kind of switches topics in mid-sentence here, but near as I can tell, the argument is as follows: If you want to use the Bible to prove that a conservative is wrong - say, you want to argue that it's inconsistant to care a lot about unborn fetuses but to favor the death penalty for alive people - then you must agree with everything the Bible says. So anyone quoting the Bible in any context must, then, agree that it's wrong for people to "live in sin."

I think, by "live in sin," she means gay...Should someone tell her that it really means any people who aren't married? Don't most Americans think co-habitation outside marriage should be legal? Or am I wrong?

I have two words of advice for Democrats: GET REAL!

And that's just my opinion!

Yeah, no shit it's just your opinion! And guess what...It's useless, because you're an idiot!