I Think I Smell a Ratner

Is there anyone left who thinks X-Men 3 has any chance of working? Anyone?

Okay, good. I'd hate to ruin anyone's hopes and dreams or anything. Because make no mistake...This photo represents the very last nail in Brett Ratner's cinematic coffin. Incontrovertible proof that this summer's upcoming, and not-surprisingly-final, installment of the X-Men franchise will be among the year's most embarrassing, um, kerfuffles.



Oh, I'm sorry...Didn't mean to spring that all on you at once.

Let's try again. Take a few slow, deep breaths. Maybe close your eyes for a moment and try to calm yourself down.

Okay, now slowly scroll down the page, stopping if you feel any numbness or tingling in your extremities...



That's British hooligan/pseudo-actor Vinnie Jones in his Juggernaut outfit. I'm hoping that's his trailer or something, and not an actual set from the film, but with Brett Ratner...you never know...Maybe the X-Men make a pit-stop at Big Momma's House in this new film or some shit. I mean, that guy's an idiot. He's capable of anything.

He thought Rush Hour 2 was funny and worthy of a theatrical release.

Anyway, there were rumors that the X-Men costumes and make-up int his installment would be disappointing after the sleek professionalism of X2. And, of course, previous photos appearing around the Web didn't exactly inspire great confidence.

This was my previous look at ex-tough man Jones as Juggernaut. (I say "ex-tough man" because, once you've paraded around in a major motion picture dressed as He-Man, you're no longer considered a true "tough man." Ask Dolph Lundgren.)



Wait, is this a sequel to X-Men or Near Dark? Now, I'm confused...

Also, there was this promotional shot of Kelsey Grammar made up as Beast, which looked like an ad for the stage production X-Men: The Sassiest, Brassiest, Most Mutated Little Show on Broadway!



Oh, let me tell ya 'bout mutants, baby
We've got crazy powers and skills, oh baby
I mean, look at me, I'm all blue and hairy
Let's just hope Wolverine don't go berzerky...

And the best part is, the entire cast is already filled up with musical theater veterans like Hugh Jackman and Alan Cumming, so there's no need to refill the major roles! It's an all-singing, all-dancing, all-sucking extravaganza...

I mean, I'm not saying that promotional photo is gay...but Heath Ledger is thinking about moving with it to a small sheep ranch in Wyoming, far from the prying eyes of the public. That's all I'm saying.

But now, this shot of Vinnie in the trailer...I mean, it's getting sad. Maybe this is all a big hoax, a promotional gimmick, a spoof of a marketing campaign for the worst movie ever. And then, at the "premiere" of X3, Ratner will come out with Bryan Singer and they'll reveal that this whole version of the movie doesn't actually exist, and a real follow-up to X2 is hitting theaters May 2007! That would be awesome. Think about it! It has never been done before.

For an entire year, people would be talking about how bad that alternative "Brett Ratner" cut of X-Men looked...and how comparatively awesome the real footage appears!

And, of course, the real, Bryan Singer-directed X3 would clearly contain Sentinels.

Tom Rothman, if you're reading this...it's not too late to shitcan Ratner and start over. I'm telling you, people would go for it...