The Mothers of Invention

Okay, new Crushed by Inertia poll for you all to ignore. What's the single worst invention of all time? I have some nominees of my own...

(1) THE LEAF BLOWER

Anyone living in a Southern California suburb knows the horror of the leaf-blower. It's a machine that moves leaves and dirt from one area to another by blowing everything in sight in every random direction. And it does so with only the amount of noise pollution and fumes you'd get from operating any standard jet engine. Brilliant!

Did you know the leaf blower was invented in Japan in the 70's, but only took off in Southern California years later as an alternative to using a garden hose? Way to go, Japan! Behind tentacle porn and electronic pets, this is your finest work yet!

(2) THE SPEED BUMP

"Hey, I've got a great idea for slowing down traffic on residential streets! Let's just put random hills in the asphalt and send speeding cars recklessly flying into the air, only to then slam down with force on to the ground below. That'll show 'em!"

I suppose that if every driver on the road knew how to properly drive over a speed bump, it wouldn't be such a big deal. But I always get stuck behind some old fart who wants to actually bring the car to a complete stop before going over the slight obstacle. Driving down one street can take roughly as long as a Passover Seder.

(3) THE PLASTIC COFFEE CUP LID

What worthless, incompetant asshole designed these things? You know what I'm talking about? That little plastic leaky hole-filled worthless lid they put on top of your coffee at Starbucks and Coffee Bean? If you want to take it off to put sweetener or milk in your drink, it takes forever, and there's a 90% chance you're getting hot coffee dribbling somewhere on your person.

And the hole to sip the drink from is far too small. And the lids are always somewhat insecure, so coffee still manages to get through and drip all over you while you walk back to your car. You either get a few drops of coffee in your mouth at a time, or you expect a few drops of coffee and get a deluge, because the bottom part of the lid isn't firmly affixed to the cup. Worthless!

[See also "Fast Food Soft Drink Cup Lids"]

(4) FLOURESCENT LIGHTING

Is this bullshit cheaper or something? Someone please explain. Every office building in the world has these flourescent light tubes. They always go out, or start to flicker, or one bulb goes out but the rest remain on, so you get an eerie half-lit effect. Not to mention that they give everything a drab, washed-out look, and make everyone alive look extremely unflattering. Plus there's that ghastly hum. When you're working in an office 40-some hours a week, you start to get used to the hum, and then you stop working there and you realize that, for several years of your life, you lived with numbing white noise filling your brain at all times...

(5) CELL PHONE HEADSETS

Are you one of those guys that walks around all day with a lit-up electronic cell phone ear piece on your head all day, even when you're not actually engaged in a conversation? Guess what...You look like an asshole. We're all making fun of you as soon as you leave the room. Unless you're an operator for Time-Life or 1-800-DENTIST, you have no business wearing a headset, okay, pal?

(6) THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY

Worst. Department. Ever.

(7) THE LAUGH TRACK

The single worst idea in television history. If you don't have a live audience, or if you have a live audience that isn't laughing, we don't want to hear some mechanical bullshit laughter. I know the thing kind of works - that the simple-minded can be convinced they're watching a program of quality if imaginary people seem to enjoy it - but that's no excuse to actually use it.

Eliminating canned laughter is a way for a show to instantly feel more fresh (like, say, "Arrested Development" or "Curb Your Enthusiasm.")

(8) ADWARE AND SPYWARE

Normally, I'm not one to resent hackers. I figure, if you're smart enough to defraud a multi-national corporation using only your home computer, you probably deserve anything you can get. But I really hate this whole idea of invading my computer and fucking it up for no good reason. It just makes no sense.

If the idea was to put subtle advertising secretly on my computer that might actually get me to spend some money, hey, fine, I'm all for that. But to install advertising software that just shuts down my machine, making it unable to process even basic tasks, then that's a pointless act of sabotage. Maybe that's the whole point. Either way, it sucks balls.

And, yeah, I know sometimes they're stealing personal information from my computer. But there's nothing of value on my hard drive to 1337 h4x0rz that I can think of, unless they're really into Japanese tentacle porn.

Yeah, that's right, I brought tentacle porn all the way back around. Cause I have sweet blogging skills.

Leave your suggestions in the comments below. That is, if anyone actually reads this blog any more. I'm getting less hits a day than Nancy Reagan's bong. (Cause she hates drugs...remember with the "Just Say No"...oh, forget it...)