It's Time to Play the Feud

I think the situation in my apartment is reaching some sort of critical turning point. We are at a point here where the typical laws of civilized human society no longer apply. All behavioral norms that define modern American life are no longer relevant here. We have moved past the concept of day and night, weekday and weekend, waking and sleeping and into a new realm that's far more unpredictable but, unfortunately, equally monotonous.

Perhaps I should explain for the uninitiated. I am currently living with three other men of around my age (26, although I should note that, technically, I am the youngest of the four). Two of them are actual roommates, one is a friendly drifter who has set up something of a base of operations on our couch. Aside from myself, none of these gentlemen have any form of employment whatsoever. Two, my roommates, support themselves through online poker games. The third has no apparent livelihood. For a time, he was living off a sum paid in exchange for his old car, but now he has lived on this money for several months and purchased a scooter, so it can't possibly last for much longer.

This apartment is not very large, but fortunately, I have my own bedroom. I can retreat from the madness when neccessary (such as, when I have to wake up at 9 a.m. to open a video store).

And when I say that we are approaching a moment of truth in the life of the apartment, I mean in terms of television viewing. Now, despite the fact that there are many television channels, the actual amount of watchable television is finite. If one were to discard certain entire channels with no appeal to a room full of late-20's males, such as Lifetime and the Home Shopping Network, one is left with maybe 25-30 stations. On most channels, there are commercials, and through the magic of having a DVR, we no longer watch those. Eliminate about 25% of total programming time on commercial television.

Okay, now you're left with just the programming. On networks, daytime TV is essentially unwatchable (except for possibly "The Tyra Banks Show," which has a small but devoted fanbase here in Apartment #7.) And on basic cable, many programs are re-run many many times over, so they only count once.

Considering that only two days of the week are actually taken up by sporting events, that leaves 5 full days a week to fill with new programming. And we're not talking your average 2-4 hours of TV viewing a day, like most Americans. That box is on from 2 pm until 6 or 7 in the morning every single day.

The problem? These guys are running out of television. In truth, there are four categories of shows that make up the bulk of the diet.

(1) Reality shows

This is the overwhelming favorite amongst the roommates. I tend to prefer competition-based shows (particularly "The Apprentice" or "America's Next Top Model"), though tastes range from shows in which wealthy people or celebrities are forced to degrade themselves to shows in which "real" teenagers and 20-somethings display their shallow, materialistic outlooks on life to shows in which awkward, poorly-mannered and oversexed young people attempt to mate in front of cameras and several of their unkempt peers.

A new one we've been enjoying is "The Adam Carrola Project," which boasts the most thin reality TV show premise I've ever seen. Adam and some of his carpenter friends buy his childhood home and make slowly renovate, pausing occasionally to imply that one another is gay. Pretty solidly entertaining.

(2) Sports

Football is a favorite, which takes up a good deal of Saturday and Sunday. Years ago, back in college, I lived with a very devoted sports fan named Matt, and I did not have a working television in my room, so we used to get into constant arguments over control of the TV. The only things Matt ever wanted to watch were actual sports games, SportsCenter and PBS' "Great Chefs of the World." That's it.

Mercifully, I now have a TV and DVD player in my room, so it's not much of an issue any more.

(3) Scripted television

There are only a few scripted TV shows that have won any fans here. "South Park" and "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" are perennial favorites, though I can't really muster any ongoing support for other animated fare like "Futurama," "Ren and Stimpy" reruns or even "The Simpsons." Aside from the animation, HBO's "Curb Your Enthusiasm," "Rome" and "Extras" have vocal supporters, as does NBC's remake of "The Office".

(4) 80's Music Videos

Since our non-roommate roommate moved in, the amount of 80's music videos being watched around here has grown exponentially. VH1 Classic runs this show called "Alternative" that has become a DVR mainstay. Even as I write this, I can hear Ned's Atomic Dustbin rocking out there, and earlier it was the Pet Shop Boys featuring Dusty Springfield.

Okay rock fans...Name that song...Pet Shop Boys, Dusty Springfield, big radio hit in the 80's...

I'll leave the answer in the comments section.

(5) Game shows

This is where my concerns began. Now, I have no problem with game shows. I'm not a huge fan myself, although I will watch the occasional "Price is Right." But my roommates watch entirely too many game shows. And if you include poker tournaments as game shows instead of sports, that number becomes staggering.

The weirdest part? They're starting to run out of game shows. At first, Nathan recorded every "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire," but eventually he ran out of new reruns. He had seen them all. He watched a few more than once, but then had to give up when it became too redundant.

He has since moved on to The Family Feud. This is a ridiculous show. Ridiculous. Can I just say that I don't believe they actually surveyed 100 people and asked them to answer the questions? That's a lot of legwork that's unneccessary. Writers could just make up the 4 or 5 most likely answers.

Plus, sometimes total nonsense answers come up. I'm sorry, not even 2 or 3 people in 100 think of "TV Guide" as the most informative magazine or that the attic is the room in their house that gets the most use.

I'll grant that, on rare occasions, "Family Feud" can be kind of entertaining. Like when contestants give entirely retarded answers because they're under pressure. Just tonight, there was hysterical laughter when a guy, when asked what 100 people said was "a food you cut in half before eating," responded "dinner."

Dinner? You cut dinner in half before eating? I guess if it's lasagna and you want the other half later, maybe...Unsurprisingly, that answer was followed by an angry beep.

Anyway, the "Family Feud" situation highlights the larger problem perfectly...These guys are going to run out of shows, period. Game show network only runs a few choice series continually enough to sate my roommates' expansive TV appetites. What's next? "Match Game" reruns around the clock? Old "What's My Line's?" Please, God, as long as it's not "Supermarket Sweep." I beg of you...