The Best and Worst of the Laser Blazer Tape Collection, Part 2

You may recall this previous post, in which I bitched and moaned about the video tapes we keep on in the store all day to entertain customers. I also along the way mentioned a few moments on the various tapes that I actually enjoyed, although I don't really enjoy much on them any more, if only because I've heard them so many times through.

We even got a new tape that the boss brought from home. Or rather, it's an old tape I had never seen, so it's new to me. It was a nice little change of pace.

Anyway, because it has been a little while and I'm thirsty for content, with the online community abuzz about little other than almost assured ascendency of the mysterious and elusive Judge Roberts to the position of Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.

I don't want to get sidetracked here, but how is this guy just allowed to dodge every single important question asked of him? I mean, Chief Justice of the Supreme Court is a seriously goddamn important decision. I'm not saying we should just reject Roberts out of hand...I don't really know what he stands for. But we should surely be allowed to ask and get a straight answer, right?

I'm not saying we should ask him, "How would you vote on abortion?," because that's not what it's about. You can't select judges based on a popular referendum of how they will vote. But you can ask questions to determine if a guy is a crazed, maniacal ideologue or a level-headed type of guy. Roberts seems to think any question more penetrating than "do you think J.D. will work out as the new lead singer of INXS" should be off the table.

Dang...I got sidetracked...BACK TO THE VIDEOS!

The Good

(1) Radiohead playing "Paranoid Android" live

One of my all-time favorite songs, so I'm lucky in that regard. Plus, when customers dig the song and come up to me, asking who it is that's performing, I get to enjoy a smug sense of superiority for a few minutes.

(2) The trailer for Maximum Overdrive

This is that ridiculous Stephen King-directed 80's movie about killer machines. The trailer features Creepy Stevie himself talking about how no one seems to get his stories right on screen, so he was forced to make one himself. He goes on to say that "he rather enjoyed" the experience, and that his movie is "going to scare the hell out of you." Never mind that Maximum Overdrive is about as terrifying as Sharkboy and Lavagirl. The best part about this trailer is Stephen's far-out, space-nerd line delivery.

(3) The music video for "Big Trouble in Little China" by the Coupe de Villes

This is John Carpenter's band doing their theme song from Carpenter's awesome Kurt Russell movie Big Trouble in Little China. The song is weird and 80's and not all that good, but it features clips from the movie! And it's an new wave synthesizer-heavy band featuring John Carpenter (the "Coupe de Villes" is a made-up band comprised of Carpenter, Nick Castle and Tommy Lee Wallace)!

(4) An extended clip of the dubbed version of Princess Mononoke

What's cool about this clip is that Billy Bob Thornton does one of the dubbed voices. How fucking stupid is that? The film takes place in old Japan, and Thornton sounds like a guy selling hot wings at a NASCAR event. In particular, one line of his just sounds so ridiculously twangy...

"You fought like a demon, boy...Like something possessed..."

If you get a chance to watch the dubbed version of Mononoke, you simply must view this scene. It's priceless. About the least Japanese thing imaginable.

(5) The trailer for The Night of the Iguana

This is one of those old trailers with an oddly intense, monotone narration. Plus the copy in the trailer is just so, I don't know...exact...It's not even like they're trying to sell you on the movie, really. More that they're trying to warn you about how depressing it's going to be...

"The Major...He was the ideal of what any man should be. But on this night, he would find out just how powerful a woman can be. One man, two women, one night...The Night of the Iguana."

Yikes...

(6) A long clip from Airplane 2

I don't remember thinking Airplane 2 was all that funny, but this clip we have in the store of Shatner flipping out on the radio cracks me up just about every time it's on. I love recent Emmy Winner William Shatner...He and J.D. Fortune are my official Canadians of the Day!

The Bad

(1) The trailer for Mallrats

It's not one of my favorite movies or anything, but there's nothing specifically wrong with Mallrats. I just hate the guy they have doing the voice over in this trailer. It's obviously a younger guy than they usually use, to give the trailer that young, hip edge. Ugh. Also, the stuff he's saying has nothing to do with the movie, and the only real quotes they even have from the movie is Jason Mewes saying "snoochie boochies" about 100 times.

Oh, and then at the end, the tagline is "what else would you expect from the director of Clerks?" Um, how about "a movie with less cheesy, obvious marketing."

(2) This oddball bit with Leonard Maltin talking about the futuristic possibilities of the DVD format

Leonard Maltin is seriously the world's biggest nerd. He sort of staked out a little claim within the film critic business, writing exhaustive video and DVD guides, learning about obscure animation history factoids, reviewing stuff for Playboy. But he doesn't have all that much to say about anything, really. In this little clip, clearly from some early DVD sampler promotional pack or something, Maltin talks about how DVD makes viewing movies at home possible, as if such technology had never existed prior to 1997. It's dumb.

(3) The trailer for Jerry Maguire

Okay, first off, I fucking hate Jerry Maguire. It starts off with an interesting premise - a sports agent forced to reinvent his life following the loss of a job and a nervous breakdown - and then becomes this unbelievably forced, cheery, optimistic, feel-good romantic comedy about two folks that, well, they're just so cute together they just have to work it all out.

Oh, and there's an adorable kid that says precocious crap! And a silly dancing black man! What tremendous fun! Tra la la!

But the trailer actually manages to out-cheese the movie itself. I think because it lays over that Pete Townsend "Let My Love Open the Door" song over the action of the film. So, as if seeing shirtless Cuba Gooding requesting that you present currency before his waiting eyes wasn't bad enough, you're seeing that whilst you hear Mr. Townsend's own brand of douchy 80's wanker-pop.

The Ugly

(1) The song from Disney's Hercules, sung (in Spanish) by Ricky Martin

Dear Lord, what have I done to deserve this? I've always been good, haven't I? I've never stolen anything from someone that wasn't a giant faceless corporation. I always make sure, if I happen to collide with a pedestrian, that someone around can give them a lift to the emergency room before taking off. I've even considered giving some money to hurricane relief, before remembering that I'm only one paycheck away from moving into the Astrodome myself.

So why did you have the man who made these tapes include "Go the Distance," en espanol, as performed by Latin America's largest fancy lad, Mr. Menudo himself, Richard "La Vida Loca" Martin? Why? Anyone else could be singing the song and it would be better. Clay Aiken could do a duet of "Go the Distance" with Scott Stapp from Creed and it would be a significant improvement over the R. Martin version.

I would rather see R. Kelly do an on-stage interpretive scene, where he performs as mutliple characters while lip synching "Go the Distance," four times a day than see Ricky Martin do it ever again.

(2) The trailer for Mr. Roberts

I haven't seen this old WWII Merchant Marine movie, but my co-workers inform me it's quite good. Well, the trailer friggin' sucks ass. First off, the narration is ridiculous. "All the passionate, enthuasiastic men of The U.S.S. Reluctant...and the girls who weren't so reluctant!"

WINK!

Then they introduce all the actors individually.

"There's James Cagney, an old sea dawg...Jack Lemmon as Ensign Polk, who could get a girl in his sights, even if he couldn't get one in his arms."

DOUBLE WINK!

It also features a guy yelling really loudly "You stabbed me in the back!," which is the exact thing you want to hear a bunch of times a day.

Atrocious. I don't know if I could ever sit through this movie now that I have seen this trailer.

(3) The video for the title track from Drive Me Crazy

This was a Britney Spears video from a Melissa Joan Hart teen movie a few years back. I just don't like it because it's depressing to think that Britney Spears is someone's mother.

(4) Sharon Stone awarding the Golden Globe to Geoffrey Rush for Shine

After the trailer for Shine (an overrated movie, in my opinion), we have a clip from the Golden Globe telecast, where Sharon Stone announces that he's the winner. She does it in this fake enthusiastic voice, as if she actually had some stake in him winning the award. What a poser. You know damn well she would have done that no matter who won.

She probably didn't even know the nominees before she got out there on stage. She would have read, "And the winner is...Tony Danza for Extrava-Danza!" if that's what was on the card.

Then Rush gets up and does the usual mock-modest self-serving acceptance speech in which he thanks a bunch of off-camera Jews in nice suits.

Okay, that's a cheap shot and it's unfair...There's usually one gentile woman in there, most likely a publicist, and maybe the gay guy who did the make-up.