Kicking and Screaming

Los Angeles really is the worst place in the world. Comedians and cultural critics really aren't just saying that. It's a cliche for a very good reason. There are about 100 times as many people in this city as its facilities can possibly handle, so you wind up spending a lot of time in gridlock/overcrowding/clusterfuck kind of situations.

Tonight I had to endure The Grove, a massive superstructure that includes department stores, a Farmer's Market, a huge movie theater, a Barnes & Noble and several hundred thousand attractive young girls wearing Ugg boots and fur-lined coats despite the fact that it's 90 fuicking degress outside every day in Los Angeles.

You have to buy your tickets way in advance if you want to see a Friday night movie at The Grove. Shows tend to sell out early...typically around the time the film wraps principal photography. And because Friday night shows are already overpriced, by the time you've completed your online order, you're down $13.50.

Then there's arriving at the theater on a Friday evening. There's no good way to approach The Grove between the hours of 3 and 11 pm on a Friday. Unless you have the facilities and nerve to actually parachute into the center of the shopping complex, or live within walking distance, expect a several-hour long commute just to arrive at the parking lot. And then the adventure's just beginning.

And even if you get to the theater in time and see the movie, there's still the matter of extricating your automobile from a parking structure clearly designed by evil Nazi scientists to determine how long subjects will spend driving around in a circle before going insane and murdering several innocent passers-by.

So, what I'm saying is, I went through a lot of bullshit just to be here tonight to review the new Will Ferrell soccer comedy Kicking and Screaming. So I hope you lousy ingrates appreciate it.



I'm fairly certain Kicking and Screaming will stand as one of the most oddball mainstream movies of 2005. It's staggering, really, some of the places the film goes for a laugh. Usually, I'd find the sheer audacity of the enterprise invigorating, and I am inclined to give the movie a pass just because it's so unexpected and, well, strange. But I can't deny that the film's an entirely lackluster affair. It's peculiar and unique, but not really in a funny or entertaining way.

But I'm being vague. I'll start with what's disappointingly standard about the film: the story. What we have here is an incredibly formulaic family comedy, a movie in the grand tradition of The Bad News Bears, Ladybugs and The Mighty Ducks. A ragtag bunch of misfit kids participating in extra-curricular sports (in this case, pee wee soccer) finds themselves under the watchful eye of an inappropriate and unseasoned coach (in this case, Will Ferrell). Though initially, coach and team have a standoffish or even hostile relationship, eventually they warm up to the old man, and even start winning some games.

Kicking and Screaming does attempt to throw in a twist of sorts - it gives Ferrell's coach a nemesis in the form of his controlling, aggressive and ego-maniacal father, competing soccer coach Buck (Robert Duvall). Unfortunately, it kind of blows a great comic opportunity by overplaying Duvall's character. He's supposed to seem like a competitive, difficult dad but winds up as kind of a monster. In one scene, he's showing off to his family by beating his son at the most violent game of tetherball of all time. Seriously...Ferrell finishes out the scene with welts all over him. It's too much - disturbing, but not funny.

And this keys into where Kicking and Screaming leaves all logic and reason behind. For a light PG family comedy, this is a movie with some serious anger issues. It's one of the more mean-spirited movies in recent memory, a story about a father who's endlessly disappointed with his son, and a son filled with near-homicidal rage about a neglectful and verball abusive parental relationship. Oh, yeah, and it's also horribly racist, scores cheap points against gays and has a bizarre, unexplainable problem with coffee.

You see what I mean? Weird stuff for what should be a relatively simple story. This material is so familiar, it's easy to see why director Jesse Dylan (son of Bob, by the way) and screenwriters Leo Benvenuti and Steve Rudnick would want to mix things up. I'm sure they started by merely injecting a bit of personality and individuality to their script. But things get way way out of control really fast.

I will attempt to catalog the strange, unneccessary or otherwise idiosyncratic facets of the film Kicking and Screaming in bullet form, as paragraph form would simply take too long:

• Chicago Bears ex-coach Mike Ditka plays himself in a major supporting role. Despite a clear awkwardness on camera, Ditka has the film's third largest role behind Ferrell and Duvall.
• Two Italian soccer prodigies join the team and are portrayed in an offensive and stereotypical manner. They speak only in "guido" catchphrases like "mamma mia!" and "gratzie." Their strict uncle makes them work at his meat market. Ditka keeps calling them Eye-talians. Sometimes they play soccer while tarantella accordian music plays on the soundtrack. My friend Cory and I repeatedly looked at each other, as if to say, "What the hell were the filmmakers thinking?" during these scenes.
• A young Asian boy is the constant subject of mockery, both for his diminutive stature and his hard-to-pronounce name (it's Byong Sun). Ditka refers to him more than once as "Bing Bong."
• Rachel Harris and Laura Kightlinger play a stereotypical "lesbian couple" who have adopted the Asian boy.
• Ferrell's character becomes addicted to coffee, causing him to slowly go insane, and even turn violent against the children.

I'm not sure what the hell was going on here. I mean, look at that stuff. Would you expect to find all of that kind of material mixed into what purports to be a genial family-appropriate comedy? Some of the Italian stuff in particular struck me as offensive, not only because it's incredibly stereotypical but because of the sneering tone that's implied. This isn't light "let's-laugh-at-our-differences" material.

Also, I'd be remiss not to note the film's sloppiness. It seems to me, this is becoming a larger problem for mainstream Hollywood comedies. Up-and-coming comic directors don't really seem to be taking the craft of filmmaking very seriously. This is Dylan's third film, and it's still lazily edited, visually muddy and uninteresting, and filled with continuity errors and poor framing.

I'll give you an example. It's a brief scene in which Ferrell gathers his team around a set of benches following a big game. We get a shot of some of the kids running up to the benches, including the team's goalie, who runs and grabs a spot up front. We cut to a shot of Ferrell holding a clipboard. We cut to another shot of kids taking their seats at the tables, except we see the same goalie come running up to sit down in the same seat as before, for the second time.

This is a multi-million dollar production, okay? There's no way no one noticed that the same kid runs up and sits down twice. That's just lazy filmmaking, and they think they'll get a pass because it's just a silly comedy. And if it were really funny, maybe they would get a pass, but I found myself noticing several errors like this. I mean, is it too much to ask that amiable comedies from major Hollywood film studios be directed with the same level of professionalism as other genres?

So, yeah, Kicking and Screaming is a mess. I wouldn't bother with it, despite Ferrell doing all that he can with extremely thin material. The fact that the movie has any big laughs at all is a testament to this guy's talent and charisma. I mean, he's just so dynamic a performer. He commands your attention when he's on-screen, and he has such a natural, easy charm, it's easy to overlook how hard it must be to try and keep this kind of movie aloft. The guy's giving his all, and you can't really fault him for this movie's shortcomings. I'm sure his career will do fine, though I definitely think Ditka should limit himself to "Saturday Night Live" walk-ons and commercial work.