Some mouthbreather named John Hawkins has written a thoroughly ridiculous list of the "10 Horror Movies For Conservatives To Watch This Halloween." What makes a horror movie CONSERVATIVE, you might ask? I had no idea, which is what made me intrigued enough to click the link in the first place...Perhaps he's recommending those schlocky movies where a woman's fetus dies or is aborted and then it comes to life and starts exacting revenge on the townsfolk? That, I guess, could be construed as aligned with the modern Republican Party's platform of hating abortions and, you know, women. Or maybe he means those horror movies where the only way to stop the zombiepocalypse is to kick out all the Mexicans? Wait, they haven't made that movie? HOLY SHIT, what are you guys waiting for? That's a horror film concept I would think a lot of American conservatives could get behind. Especially if it was Communist zombies who wanted to gay marry one another.But no...this list is just 10 horror movies, some of them pretty great, that have...wait for it...ABSOLUTELY NO CONNECTION whatsoever to contemporary American political conservatism. None. Zero. You might as well call this list "10 Horror Movies for Proctologists to Watch This Halloween." It's entirely likely that butt doctors would enjoy most, if not all, of these films, but that doesn't really mean they are anal-illness-centric in any significant way. Let's go through selections from the list...CLOVERFIELD: Hawkins implies that this is conservative because it features the US military doing stuff:"Meanwhile, the military was in the thick of the action, bravely fighting against the Cloverfield monster and handling an impossible situation the best way they could." True, the movie makes no specific critiques of the military's handling of the whole "monster devouring New York" thing. (Hawkins tends to view any movie that depicts the military or the religious as human beings as "conservative," which strikes me as a touch misleading.) But at the same time, the entire conceit of the film revolves around a secretive government project (nickname: Cloverfield) that is apparently investigating the incident in a shadowy, questionable manner after the fact. So it's not exactly jingoist to the core either. Here's, as best I can deduce, Hawkins' calculation: - Government, as a concept: Liberal
- Individual employees of the government, provided they wear uniforms and hurt people as part of their job: ConservativeYou MAY actually be able to make the case that "Cloverfield" is in some ways about the 9/11 terrorist attacks and the feeling of helplessness New Yorkers felt in its wake, which at least would be a somewhat POLITICAL spin on the movie. But then you wouldn't be John Hawkins. THE DEAD ZONEI'm not sure Hawkins is thinking of the right movie. David Cronenberg's film "The Dead Zone," which he seems to be discussing, is about a psychic who comes to realize that the election of a conservative extremist to the White House will bring about worldwide nuclear wear. So he assassinates him. The end. "Fahrenheit 911" is literally more conservative than "The Dead Zone." Michael Moore's documentary didn't openly advocate the murder of a conservative president. In fact, this choice is SO INSANE for a list of movies for conservatives, so completely baffling when considering the film's content, I actually had to look it up online, to make sure I wasn't misremembering the fictional president's agenda and political association: From Wikipedia:"Stillson is elected congressman on election night. He proves so popular during his first term that he is re-elected in a landslide. Shortly following his re-election, he creates a conservative political action committee called the America Now Party. Smith, with the terrible knowledge of Stillson's future deeds, contemplates attacking or assassinating the congressman." Smith, the one who is contemplating attacking or assassinating the conservative congressman? He's the film's HERO.Bear in mind, dear reader, is that this column represents the BEST that author John Hawkins could do. THE EXORCISTWait, is a belief in demonic possession now an official part of the Republican platform, and no one thought to tell me? Does this explain Michelle Bachmann?THE FOGGuh? In "The Fog," a town in Northern California is set upon by the bloodthirsty ghosts of sailors, who seek revenge for a 100-year-old shipwreck caused by the town's founders. Hawkins offers no argument as to why this film is conservative, and really has very little to say about it except that it has "brilliant timing" (perhaps he means "pacing"?) and that the remake sucked. I suppose one could argue that "brilliant timing" is a conservative trait, were it not for the entire 2008 McCain for President campaign. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm suspending this blog due to the poor US economy... ...Ha ha! Satire!THE MISTWow, both "The Fog" and "The Mist" made the list! Perhaps this was actually a list of "10 Horror Movies for Meteorologists to Watch This Halloween" and John's just pasted a new title and byline on top. I wouldn't have even thought this possible, but John has chosen a SECOND FILM in which the VILLAIN is conservative to put on his list of conservative films. Mrs. Carmody (ably if a bit overzealously played in the film by Marcia Gay Hardin) believes that mankind's sin has angered God, that he has grown angry and sent an apocalyptic plague to Earth as punishment. SOUND FAMILIAR? RE-ANIMATORBecause if there's one thing that conservatives love to celebrate, it's elaborate works of dystopian mysticism conceived by and starring atheists! According to Hawkins:"Somewhere in there is also a message about the perils of playing God with human life." Yeah, I guess that's in there somewhere...Wait, I forget, is that before or after the part where the zombie rapes that co-ed?THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBSYeah, right now you're probably thinking, "This film about serial killers and the profilers who hunt them has nothing to do with conservatism, and actually has a strongly pro-feminist message that probably would turn off a lot of older, more traditional Republicans who continue to deny that women face unfair advantages in the workplace." But that's probably because you didn't know that it's based on the life of William Ayers! Yeah, what do you think of Hawkins now? Pretty insightful, huh? Oh, wait, Buffalo Bill isn't supposed to be Bill Ayers? He's based on an amalgamation of other real serial killers like Ted Bundy and Ed Gein?...Oh. Then, yeah, this dickbag is just a dickbag. Never mind.