Saturday, April 21, 2007

Look Out, Here Comes the Spider-Man

A Spider-Man Broadway musical? This is the worst idea since...well, okay, since every other Broadway musical.

Broadway musical based on the web-slinging superhero is in the works, Marvel Studios said Friday. It will be directed by Tony winner Julie Taymor with new music and lyrics by U2 frontman Bono and guitarist The Edge.

Wow...Just....just wow...

"We are certain this project will delight fans of Spider-Man and new audiences alike," said David Maisel, chairman of Marvel Studios, in a statement.

Yes, this is just the sort of news the fanboys have been waiting for. A Spider-Man musical on Broadway. Yippee. I'm sure the dateless 17 year old community will be overjoyed that, in a city far away, wealthy old people are going to fall asleep while a guy in skin-tight red and blue spandex swings around on a wire and sings overblown ballads to Mary Jane Watson full of bad arachnid puns. Their collective spider senses are, clearly, tingling.

And the thing is, it's not at all hard to delight fanboys, and they're still failing miserably. Release Sam Raimi from this franchise and let him get back to making Evil Dead movies. There. Done. Dork community overjoyed. I just saved Julie Taymor several years of difficult work.

"Marvel continues to look to every entertainment medium to support the enduring popularity of our Super Heroes, and we are thrilled with the talent on board," Maisel said. "The all-star creative team led by Julie Taymor, Bono and The Edge is second to none."

Yes, but no matter how significant the talent, you're talking about a Spider-Man MUSICAL. It could be the first collaboration between Sondheim and Beethoven, and it would most likely still suck balls.

Would it even be possible to come up with a less appealing venue for a Marvel comic hero than a splashy Broadway show with songs by Bono?

A Nick Jr. children's puppet show starring The Punisher?

CODOK-O's, the cereal that's designed only for killing?

Namor's zesty Sub-Marinade for chicken or fish?

Any other suggestions?

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