It Is An Honor Just to be Dominated

Now, I know San Francisco has a reputation as something of a haven for gay living, but this may be going too far.

San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom's administration will change its policy on issuing laudatory proclamations after a gay porn studio was honored last week without the mayor's knowledge, city officials said Friday.

Conservative activists and pundits nationwide belittled the city after Newsom's office declared Feb. 23 to be Colt Studio Day, honoring the 40th anniversary of a San Francisco movie company whose Web site invites visitors to "come inside to experience the hottest man-on-man action."

I don't know what's more unbelievable. That the mayor wouldn't be aware that his staff members are issuing laudatory proclamations in honor of the local gay porn factory...or that any politician would knowingly do such a thing. Now, I'm not saying that this is the wrong move because it's gay porn specifically. A mayor honoring any producer of fine pornographics, be they gay, fetish, scheisse, mature or nun-themed, would be equally ill-advised.

The official document, bearing Newsom's name, was presented by a representative of the Mayor's Office of Neighborhood Services to the company during its anniversary party. It said Colt Studio "has produced movies that have entertained the gay community over the past 40 years" and has contributed to the city by bringing in "hundreds of millions of dollars in business" and "stimulating the job market and the local economy in general."

Oh, the local job market was stimulated alright. In fact...

Nah, you know what? Never mind. That joke is beneath me.

Newsom's office issues nearly 2,000 proclamations a year, most covering such innocuous topics as Australian Heritage Day and Graffiti Watch Day. They are typically issued by the Neighborhood Services Office without the mayor or his top aides reviewing their content, which was the case with the document honoring the gay porn studio, Newsom's spokesman said Friday.

Oh, man. Someone is so fired.

What I wouldn't give for some kind of clandestine recording of this brainstorming session.

"Hey, you know? We really ought to honor Colt Studios! They've been making quality gay porn for over 40 years!"

"Well, normally I'd say that sounds like a pointless gesture sure to do nothing but generate hate mail and faux-outrage from conservative evangelical assholes. But the studio's remarkable masterpiece Beary Lyndon simply cries out for recognition."

But in the wake of attacks by conservative media figures such as talk show host Bill O'Reilly -- who said the proclamation reinforced San Francisco's reputation as the nation's "Sodom and Gomorrah" -- Newsom has decided to change the policy and have any potentially controversial proclamation cleared by either his chief of staff or director of government affairs.

"If there are any questions about proclamations, they will be reviewed," said Newsom spokesman Nathan Ballard. "There's just going to be a stricter review process from now on."

Totally wrong move here by Newsom. You don't cave to pressure from Billy O. That just makes him feel vital and relevant. Sure, it was probably a mistake to officially recognize a gay porn studio, but now that you have done it, you have no choice but to stick by the decision. In fact, forget sticking by it. Embrace it! That'll throw Bill for a loop. As to be permitted on his program with the founder of Colt to discuss what a positive influence it has had on the community.

Conservative evangelical assholes are always going to think of San Francisco as a modern "Sodom and Gomorrah," mainly because most of them don't understand that Bible story beyond the observative that those two places were "bad" and full of citizens with what Ann Coulter might term "John Edwards-like tendencies" in her usual charming, effervescent manner. There's nothing Newsom or anyone else can do about that.

My hope is that you could push their outrage so far as to make it look ridiculous. Because it is ridiculous. Hey, I'm not saying the mayor's office needs to honor pornography producers, but I have no problem with the notion of gay porno, unlike Bill and his loathsome audience. Their agenda's all about hatred, and maybe by attaching one's self to a position on another extreme, one could tease this reality out.

Newsom should shower Colt Studios with praise at every opportunity. Speak at length about their high production values, about their talented stable of performers, about how they really pay attention to things like narrative structure and mise-en-scene while other homosexual pornographic purveyors focus exclusively on the sex and, depending on the sub-genre, the costumes.

How could Bill respond to something like that?

"Your city government is essentially supporting gay pornography."

"We sure are, Bill."

"But doesn't that violate the rights of the families and innocent children who live in your city."

"I want to educate our children, so that when they grow up and have to make their own choices about gay pornography, they make the right ones."

"But...but..."

"To me, there's nothing more beautiful or arousing than the sight of a cock ring gently grazing the backside of a well-maniured pair of testicles. And I want to share that with my city's future generations."

He'd guarantee a classic bit of YouTubery, I can tell you that much.