Endangered My Ass...

The headline on this article from China Daily reads:

"Love Giant Pandas? Name them."

Frankly, I think you're coming on a bit too strong here, China Daily. I mean, I've never even read your newspaper before, I don't live in China, yet you're ordering me around like some intern. "Hey, gweilo, you like these pandas? Huh? Do you, bitch? Well, how about you do something with your life and fucking name them already?"

I do, however, find your baby pandas to be highly adorable.

From July to September 2006, 11 giant pandas gave birth to 18 cubs at the Research and Conservation Center for Giant Panda in the Wolong Nature Reserve in southwest China's Sichuan Province. As of February 10, 2007, all 18 cubs will no longer live with their mothers and will start an independent life. As usual, they will be given their own names. At the moment, the giant pandas are named from No.1 to No 18.

So I want to help you out here, China, I do. But 18 clever names for panda cubs? I'm sorry, I'm just not up to the task. I could maybe do four or five amusing ones. "General Tso's Panda" would be a funny name, for example. But I can't come up with 18 of those, even with a full night's sleep and a Stoner Speedball. (That's pot and coffee for you squares...)

I think the only way around this jam would be to come up with a theme. For example, you could name all of the pandas after characters from the Seinfeld Universe who are never actually seen. Like Bob Sacamano, Lomez, H.E. Pennypacker, Dr. Von Nostrand, Art Vandelay, Jay Reimenschneider and Corky Ramirez. You could probably get to 18 with a little effort and Wikipedia. (This entry in particular.)

And if that's a little inside for you Chinese people, perhaps naming them after noteworthy fictional bears? Can I get to 18 without Wikipedia?

Yogi, Baloo, Winnie...

Um....

Paddington Bear, Teddy Ruxpin...

Umm...

Oh, Little John from Disney's "Robin Hood."

SuperTed, the Care Bears, the Bernstein Bears.

How many is that? 9? Fuck, this is hard!

There was that Disney cartoon, Brother Bear, but I never saw it so I don't know the name. Ah, forget it, I'm all out. Let's hit up the Wiki.

Oh, shit, Smokey the Bear. Duh! That one's obvious.

See, now I realize why this is hard. Because most fictional bears are just named "Bear." Like, the Wiki lists "The Three Bears" from "Goldilocks." I mean, I could have come up with that, but those bears don't have names, so it's not really useful to our purposes here. We can't just call all the pandas "Bear."

Maybe it would be hard to get to 18 bears. I bet you could do it with dogs, cats or monkeys, though.

Or you could give them all fake mob names. Joey 'The Panda' Grimaldi. Frankie 'Black Spots' Pescarelli. Mario 'Bear Cub' Carbone. And who could forget Tony Bamboo?

In the end, I think it's clear what who we really should name these bears after...The man who has done more than anyone else to raise American's Bear Awareness.

Stephen Colbear the First through The Eighteenth.

Really, it's the obvious choice.