LONS: Ludicrously Obvious News Service

Welcome back. Coming up later this hour, in our "News You Can Use" segment, Alisha Williams will let us all know how we can illuminate our home, thus making it far easier to see things, just by flipping switches that are already located on the wall. Then, entertainment reporter Sheldon Sheldrake will give us the inside scoop on the 5th anniversary of that big Dungeons and Dragons movie...Was this high profile adaptation ultimately a crowd-pleasing success or a disappointing waste of everyone's time and the nadir of Jeremy Irons' once-promising career? That's all coming up later on this hour, along with last week's weather.

But now, here's our latest headines...

Senator George Allen Somewhat Less Than Fond of the Blacks

Shocking news tonight as we discover that Senator George Allen, a man who while serving as a District Attorney displayed both a Confederate flag and a noose in his office, may in fact...be a racist.

Mr. Allen, a Virginia Republican whose re-election campaign has been knocked off balance by the accusations, said Monday that he did not remember ever using the term and that “it is absolutely false that that was ever part of my vocabulary.”

Mrs. Hawkins, who described herself as a rural Virginia housewife and an active Democrat, said in an interview Tuesday that she heard Mr. Allen use the slur repeatedly at a party on election night in 1976. She said Mr. Allen used the term while deprecating the intelligence of the black players on the Washington Redskins football team, which Mr. Allen’s father coached. Recalling remarks about its star running back, Larry Brown, Mrs. Hawkins said that Mr. Allen “started in effect bad-mouthing him, saying what a shiftless you-know-what” he was.

She said she remembered the conversation because she was a big fan of the team and was shocked. She said Mr. Allen’s statement on Monday was “just plain a lie.”

This update comes on the heels of a Salon expose that indicated George theoretically might have the potential possibiliy of holding some racist attitudes, based on his appreciation for the Ku Klux Klan, his frequent use of the crude racial epithet "nigger" throughout his life and the fact that he once left a severed deer's head in the mailbox of a black family.

Shelton played football with Allen in the 1972 and 1973 seasons, according to the team media guides from those years. Shelton remembers Allen's attitudes about race surfacing early in their relationship. At one point, Shelton says, Allen nicknamed him "Wizard," after United Klans imperial wizard Robert Shelton. "He asked me if I was related at all," Shelton remembers. "I knew of that name, and I said absolutely not." Several former teammates confirmed that Shelton's team nickname was "Wizard," though no one contacted by Salon could confirm firsthand knowledge of the handle's origin. "Everyone called me 'Wizard' that knows me from those days," said Shelton. "My nickname stuck."

Shelton said he also remembers a disturbing deer hunting trip with Allen on land that was owned by the family of Billy Lanahan, a wide receiver on the team. After they had killed a deer, Shelton said he remembers Allen asking Lanahan where the local black residents lived. Shelton said Allen then drove the three of them to that neighborhood with the severed head of the deer. "He proceeded to take the doe's head and stuff it into a mailbox," Shelton said.

And now, to provide a balanced perspective on the murky issue of whether or not George Allen has ever given any indicating of possibly disliking or pre-judging certain people on the basis of race, here's Tucker Carlson.



Thanks, Lons. Now, in the interest of fairness, I think you have to weigh the context of Allen's behavior and remarks.

Now, hanging a noose in one's office can simply serve as a demonstration of one's affinity for movies of the Western genre, in which predominantly white outlaws were often strung up with nooses, sometimes escaping if their crackshot partner-in-crime managed to free them with a precision bullet at the exact right moment.

As for the nickname "Wizard," this is not a reference to a noted KKK leader at all. In fact, Senator Allen is simply a big fan of the classic Fred Savage adventure film The Wizard, in which he must escort his creepy younger brother to a big Nintendo tournament. (On a personal note, Allen bases all his nicknames on classic '80s films. Just as his favorite and most trusted aide, Remo Williams, or his chief spokesman, Mouth.)

I should also mention that, because no one can prove that Robert Shelton has personally donated any money towards Allen's presidential run, then clearly no connection between the two men exists and the entire subject should be closed.

Finally, as for the so-called "prank," it has not been widely publicized by a biased media intent on destroying this fine man's career that Allen once worked in the employ of the Deer Head of the Month club, and accidentally delivered a fresh deer head to the wrong address. A mistake, to be sure, but hardly one that proves a person to be a racist.

Oh, and in the interest of fair even-handed and appropriate public discourse, I should note that, even though I am not a psychiatrist or a medically-trained expert, I can tell that Al Gore is certifiably insane.

Thanks, Tucker. Now, more of our top stories.

Some Don't Care for Rick Santorum

A new poll indicates that voters in Pennsylvania don't really like Rick Santorum, their representative to Congress who compared homosexual relationships to bestiality and argued on the Senate floor for legislation that outlaws touching one's self in an impure manner.

Democrat Bob Casey appears to have doubled his lead over Sen. Rick Santorum in Pennsylvania’s Senate race, according to a poll released Tuesday.

Casey had a 14-point lead in the Quinnipiac University Poll, with 54 percent of likely voters saying they planned to vote for him compared to 40 percent for Santorum. One percent said they wouldn’t vote and 6 percent said they didn’t know. Casey had a seven point lead among likely voters in a match up between the two in the same poll on Aug. 15.

For the record, 87% of those polled would agree to make Rick Santorum "dogcatcher" were the election actually held to day. So some good news and some bad news for the Santorum campaign.

Christians Generally Confused About Own Religion

As part of a lrager recent trend, large numbers of self-identified Christians support policies, ideas and legislation that directly conflict with their own stated beliefs. With more on this developing story, here's Chief Sarcastic Correspondant Bill Mayhew:

Yeah, thanks a lot. Okay, so, here's the thing...Jesus was totally all about torture. I mean, sure, he was tortured himself, and one possible interpretation of his life story might be that because God has taken the form of a man and insisted that man has been created in His own image, anything you do to another man is a crime against God. So, therefore, torturing a man would be like torturing God, which would be wrong regardless of the circumstances leading up to the torture.

But, hey, that's stupid. No, these Christians who loudly and vocally support the torture of people who are guilty of the crime of living far away and being generally swarthy and unsettling know what they're doing. They've managed to read between the New Testament's lines, around all those parts where Jesus tells you to turn the other cheek and embrace your enemies. They have seen through all that crap to the real deal, the actual message:

Kill 'em all and let me and my Dad sort 'em out.

Oh, also, fuck all them fags.

Thanks, Bill.

A recent Time Magazine cover story asked, "Does God Want You To Be Rich?" The obvious answer (and we love those here at LONS) for a Christian would be, "No, of course not. Christ said that rich people most often don't get into heaven, and demanded that those who serve him cast away their Earthy possessions. Plus, he had some kind of problem with the entire idea of lending people money as opposed to just giving it away. So he'd probably rather you just give all your money to the needy and live a simple life without excessive material comforts."

Some American Christians, however, aren't so sure...

But for a growing number of Christians like George Adams, the question is better restated, "Why not gain the whole world plus my soul?" For several decades, a philosophy has been percolating in the 10 million--strong Pentecostal wing of Christianity that seems to turn the Gospels' passage on its head: certainly, it allows, Christians should keep one eye on heaven. But the new good news is that God doesn't want us to wait. Known (or vilified) under a variety of names--Word of Faith, Health and Wealth, Name It and Claim It, Prosperity Theology--its emphasis is on God's promised generosity in this life and the ability of believers to claim it for themselves. In a nutshell, it suggests that a God who loves you does not want you to be broke.

Its signature verse could be John 10: 10: "I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly." In a TIME poll, 17% of Christians surveyed said they considered themselves part of such a movement, while a full 61% believed that God wants people to be prosperous. And 31%--a far higher percentage than there are Pentecostals in America--agreed that if you give your money to God, God will bless you with more money.

Yes. A Christian organization called Name It and Claim It. We'd discuss this further, but our Chief Unintentionally Appropriate Organizational Namimg Correspondant, Ned Pseudonym, has just shot himself in the face.

If he were here, he'd probably point out that the idea that God loves you and does not want you to be broke inevitably leads to the conclusion that those who are, in fact, broke, are unloved by God. Which seems to reflect pretty accurately the apparent mindset of the average American.

And they see in it a happy corrective for Christians who are more used to being chastened for their sins than celebrated as God's children. "Who would want to get in on something where you're miserable, poor, broke and ugly and you just have to muddle through until you get to heaven?" asks Joyce Meyer, a popular television preacher and author often lumped in the Prosperity Lite camp. "I believe God wants to give us nice things."

There you have it. God wants to give us nice things. He's a lot like Santa Claus in that way. So, just an update for all your Christians living in crushing cyclical poverty here in America, and the other Christians in all the other slums all around the world, your nice things have been lost in the mail, but God totally promises to get them to you, like, really really soon. If he really loves you. If you don't get your nice things, I'd probably take that as a sign that God's not too happy with your broke ass, so perhaps a guy like Allah or Buddha will feel a bit more generous. Let's just move on.

New Theory: Bill Clinton Not Solely at Fault for 9/11

Contrary to conventional wisdom, an odd new theory suggests that Former President Bill Clinton may not shoulder 100% of the blame for the attack of 9/11, and that in fact the administration in charge of the nation at that time may also be partly responsible.

"We were not left a comprehensive strategy to fight al Qaeda," Rice told a reporter for the New York Post on Monday. "Big pieces were missing," Rice added, "like an approach to Pakistan that might work, because without Pakistan you weren't going to get Afghanistan."

Rice made the comments in response to claims made Sunday by former President Bill Clinton, who argued that his administration had done more than the current one to address the al Qaeda problem before the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks. She stopped short of calling the former president a liar.

However, RAW STORY has found that just five days after President George W. Bush was sworn into office, a memo from counter-terrorism expert Richard A. Clarke to Rice included the 2000 document, "Strategy for Eliminating the Threat from the Jihadist Networks of al-Qida: Status and Prospects." This document devotes over 2 of its 13 pages of material to specifically addressing strategies for securing Pakistan's cooperation in airstrikes against al Qaeda and the Taliban in Afghanistan.

That article, of course, refers to the Former President's slanderous suggestion Sunday that he and other presidents may share responsibility for an attack on America, rather than Clinton and Clinton alone. This conclusion, of course, was made in the absence of any evidence...aside from the 9/11 Commission Report, the account of recognized terrorism expert Richard Clarke, numerous corroborating reports from the time and everyone's memory of these actual events only a few years ago.



Chris Wallace exhibits here that popular old journalistic trick of which we're so fond here at LONS, the "blame it on the viewers" technique. "Mr. Clinton, I would never ever want to ask you this offensive and loaded question, but darn it, my viewers insisted and I'm just not man enough to stand up to them. So, I have to ask, does it make you sad to know that you directly caused 9/11?

But does this allegation, that someone aside from Bill Clinton, even possibly the current president who was president when 9/11 happened, bears some of the blame for 9/11, hold any water? Here to comment is our Chief White House Responsibility Correspondant, White House Press Secretary Tony Snow. Tony, welcome to the show.



"Hey, folks, it's me, Fair and Balanced Tony Snow. Before I begin my actual remarks, I'd just like to invite everyone to my big Bonfire Beach Party to celebrate the end of all racism. It's gonna be this Saturday, um, at the beach. And it will be BYOB cause I don't know how many of you former racist party animals are gonna show up, and I don't make as much as you might think being a press secretary. At least, I don't make as much as I thought I would. Maybe I should write a book about the End of Racism. Or the War on Lent. That'd be a good one.

"Anyway, about this whole Clinton not wanting to take all the blame thing. The fact is, he never caught Bin Laden, and he had many many years in which to do so. By 1996, Bin Laden's first (and best, in my opinion) taped message made him a major player in the World Terrorism Scene. Itwas a major breakthrough moment. From then on, he was like the 50 Cent of the terrorism world.

"And sure, Clinton was called 'obsessed' with bringing down Bin Laden, and was accused of 'wagging the dog' by Republicans when he considered going after the guy militarily, but the fact remains that he failed to ever catch the guy after 4 years of trying.

"George W. Bush, on the other hand, started a failed war in Iraq. And that's all I'm really at liberty to say at this point in time. Go Bush."

Thanks, Tony. More on this story hopefully never because it's stupid and pointless.

And now here's Sheldon Sheldrake with the Movie Minute.

Here's all the obvious movie news you need in just a minute...

Jackass 2 contains scenes and stunts that some might find distasteful.

All the King's Men features a variety of silly accents, which is good, but it should not be attended anyway because Sean Penn thinks George Bush is worse than Osama bin Laden.

Success of the documentary Jesus Camp has already spawned a number of imitators:

• Ernest Goes to Jesus Camp, with Jim Varney's scenes made possible through animated motion capture technology
• Jesus Camp of Montreal, in which a group of enthusiastic youngsters put on a controversial Passion Play
• Sleepaway Jesus Camp, featuring a hermaphroditic child camper ruthlessly slaughtering a camp full of nubile Christian soldiers in training
• Jesus' Son's Camp, starring Billy Crudup as an unconventional drug addict who starts a religious-themed camp along with a deranged orderly, played by Jack Black
• Jesus' Fat Camp, in which the personified God descends from Heaven in order to help a group of mean-spirited, unmotivated fat children lose weight and develop some self-esteem, culminating in a Battle Royale against the kids from the Eating Disorder Camp run by Satan's son Damien just across the pond. (This one sounds good!)

I'm Sheldon Sheldrake with the Movie Minute.

This has been the Ludicrously Obvious News, repeating every 10 minutes on the 10 minutes here on the Ludicrously Obvious News Service. Now, get the hell out of my face.