Where in the World is Kenny Boy Sandiego?

Okay, just so we're all on the same page...None of you swallowed that "former Enron CEO and all-around nogoodnik Ken Lay died of a massive coronary" story, right? You did? Come on, people. This one's easy.

Best friend of the President, with whom he kept in frequent written correspondance. One of the largest crooks in history. Recently convicted of crimes that could lead to life imprisonment. Rich white bastard.

Okay, folks, that's the precise the dossier of a man who's going to skip the country before he can be sent to jail...Down to the letter. This is not some common everyday white collar criminal we're talking about here. A middle manager who sneaks an extra $10,000 when the SEC isn't looking to fund a stripper-intensive Vegas weekend. We're talking about a man who ripped off the entire state of California here. Okay, when you're such a thief that you find yourself stealing from entire regions of the American West, that's when you know you've reached the pinnacle of your chosen profession. This guy's such a gleefully amoral scumbag, he makes The Joker look like Ruben "Hurricane" Carter.



So, we're supposed to swallow that this perfectly healthy man, a few short months before he was to be sentenced for one of the most elabroate accounding swindles in history, just up and died suddenly? Sure, millions of Americans drop dead from cardiac arrest each year. I'm not denying that such an event would be possible. The man was over 60, after all, and he lived in Texas, where chili not served in a bread bowl is considered health food.

I'm just saying that it's awfully convenient. And I wouldn't put anything past these corrupt assholes in charge right now. Let me repeat: I wouldn't put anything past these guys. They are comic book style villains. I half-expect, when I wake each morning, to read in the newspaper that Noam Chomsky and John Murtha have been devoured by specially-bred Presidential wolverines, or that the UC Berkeley campus has been liquified by an enormous killer robot bearing the Pentagon insignia.

According to my calculations, there are two possible scenarios:

(1) Kenny Boy was threatening to reveal some kind of sensitive information unless he was granted a Presidential pardon. Think for a second about some of the shit this guy might know. What if Bush knew something was fishy about Enron before the scandal broke? What if notes were kept about secret energy meetings with Dick Cheney? Any kind of collusion between Bush and Big Energy has fairly explosive potential in the media - accounting scandals may not sell papers, but people remember the name "Enron."

So, before any of this could come out in the New York Times or some other traitorous, anti-American organization, you simply execute Operation Houston We No Longer Have a Problem. Then it's just a matter of planting a bogus "heart attack" story and you're home free.

I'll grant this scenario isn't that likely. If Bush was going to have Ken Lay whacked, he probably would have done so before the trial as opposed to before the sentencing. Even if this isn't true, by the way, I personally guarantee Bush has authorized at least one targeted assassination since taking office. And clearly it wasn't Osama bin Laden, whose kidneys are apparently feeling much better.

(2) More likely, Kenny Boy had planned all along to get the hell out of Dodge before the heat could finally come down. I'm thinking he took it on the lam along with a few large sacks full of money a few days ago and had some high-ranking friends arrange a nice little cover-up. Head off to some isolated paradise where no one will recognize him...I hear Aruba's nice unless you're a white girl, in which case it's apparently harrowing.

The guy was fantastically rich and extremely well networked. Why would he hang around in America long enough to spend the rest of his life in jail? Of course he took the first private jet out of here. In retrospect, it's not even that surprising. And it's in everyone's interest to keep this "cardiac arrest" rumor alive. If the actual taxpayers and investors Lay's criminal behavior ripped off were to discover he was simply allowed to skip town, you'd have an outrage on your hands. This way, the whole fracas will slowly fade into a distant memory.

I just hope, if Kenny Boy decides to spend any time in the Dominican Republic and brings his stash of boner pills along, the prescription bottles have his own name on it. Being convicted of multiple felonies and then taking a powder is one thing, but getting caught with Viagra can be genuinely embarrassing.

Finally, don't be surprised if, next month, Jeff Skilling is horribly disfigured in a boating accident or something. It's coming...