Bill and George at the Movies

Some of you may recall that former President Bill Clinton was a huge movie fan. He always cites High Noon as his favorite movie, which always struck me as peculiar for a real movie fan (it's not even in my ten favorite Westerns), but the guy clearly knows his stuff. I mean, no matter how you feel about him politically or whatever, he's a smart dude.

You just don't get quite the same feeling from the new guy. As with nearly all things that don't somehow relate to baseball, torture or illegal wiretapping, Bush shows little to no interest in movies. (Although Christopher Meyer does report in his book DC Confidential that Bush laughed hysterically at the revelation in Meet the Parents that Ben Stiller's character is named Gaylord Focker.)

I bring this interesting divergence up today because Bush refused to provide an opinion on the film Brokeback Mountain to an audience at Kansas State University.

During a Q&A session at Kansas State University today, a student asked Bush: "I was just wanting to get your opinion on Brokeback Mountain if you'd seen it yet."

The crowd laughed softly before the student said loudly: "You would love it! You should check it out."

"I haven't seen it," Bush said flatly. "I'd be glad to talk about ranching, but I haven't seen the movie," he said to laughter. "I've heard about it."

The president waited a second or two, then said, according to a transcript: "I hope you go -- (laughter) -- you know -- (laughter) -- I hope you go back to the ranch and the farm, is what I was about to say. I haven't seen it. (Laughter, applause.)"

Well, this means this Borowitz Report story had it totally wrong. But it also means that a discussion between these two world leaders about the Films of 2005 might prove enlightening, don't you think?

I invited both George and Bill to join me here for a roundtable discussion, and wouldn't you know, they both agreed?



GWB: Thanks for having me on your program, Lons.

ME: Actually, it's a blog, Mr. President.

GWB: Thanks for having me in your bog, Lons.

ME: You're welcome.



BC: Oh, man, Lons...You were right. These guys from Soul Revival are, quite simply...amazing.

ME: Thanks for being here, Mr. Ex-President.

BC: Hey, no problem...So long as you're paying my usual $100,000 per speaking engagement fee, it's all good in the hood.

ME: Yeah...the thing about that is...I don't actually have any money.

BC: Oh. You got a cute sister?

ME: Afraid not.

BC: Dang. Well, what the hell, right? I've come all this way.

ME: Awful good of you, Bill. Okay, let's get this started. I figured, I'll throw out the 2005 movie, and you can both give me your thoughts.

BC: Let's do this thang.

GWB: What was that one with the fuzzy baby penguins? I liked that one!

ME: Let's start with Steven Spielberg's War of the Worlds.



BC: Well, obviously, I enjoyed the special effects and the terrific direction from Steven Spielberg, surely one of America's favorite and best filmmakers. But, I don't know...I just felt that the film lacked the kind of simple, direct emotions Spielberg has shown us in his true classics, films like E.T., that touched an entire generation of children and their parents.

GWB: This movie was stupid.

BC: How so, George?

GWB: I mean, the Martians, their plan doesn't make...it don't make good sense, you know? They send down a huge military force to blow up our whole planet, but then they only send a few soldiers to keep the peace and maintain stability. That's just poor planning. And then, the soldiers stationed here on Earth, they don't have proper equipment to protect them from the atmos...astomph...from the environment, they haven't been provided the basic armor they need just to do their job safely. I mean, that's not leadership!

BC: You know, George, it's almost like...

GWB: I mean, if you're going to occupy a hostile foreign territory, you need to have enough feet on the ground to actually get the job done. You don't just half-ass it because you're afraid of what all the other Martians back home are going to say about you, and you don't cut military expenditures to give rich Martians a tax break while the young, poor Martians fly down to Earth and fight off Tom Cruise, right? Am I right?

ME: Let's move on. Hustle and Flow, you guys both saw this Sundance favorite, right?



BC: You know...as a former pimp myself, I was really impressed by this film's gritty immediacy. Even if, like me, you aren't a former pimp (and sometime jigolo) from Little Rock who dreamt of a future in politics, you can surely relate to the plight of DJay, a simple street entrepeneur who aspired to do something great and memorable. The feel-good film of 2005!

GWB: What are you talking about? I didn't see this mov...Oh, wait, hang on...I should say something nice about this one, or the darkies will keep saying I don't care about them...Umm...Hustle & Flow is a really good movie about African-Americans, a group of people I totally respect and care about. Yeah, that sounds good...But cut out that first part of what I said.

ME: You got it, Mr. President.

GWB: I really nailed that one. Karl's gonna be proud.

ME: Congrats.

GWB: Oh, and cut that last part out too, where I just said that Karl's gonna be proud.

ME: Sure thing.

GWB: In fact, maybe we ought to skip this whole movie, know what I mean.

BC: Yeah, actually, he might be right. I'm not sure I'd "gone public" with that Little Rock pimp stuff before.

ME: Okay, our next film is Stephen Gaghan's oil industry expose, Syriana.



GWB: Okay, see, I didn't like this movie. It said mean stuff about my friends.

BC: Everyone in the movie is a fictional character.

GWB: What? This thing ain't a docomen...a dormitor...isn't this one of those true-life, behind-the-scenes kinds of movies?

ME: A documentary?

GWB: Yeah! Like those Michael Moore movies about all the illegal stuff I'm always doing.

BC: No, it's a fictional film based loosely on real events.

GWB: Really?

ME: Yeah. You didn't notice it had George Clooney and Matt Damon in it?

GWB: Didn't you see the movie? George Clooney is an undercover agent. I just figured "actor George Clooney" had been a clever ruse designed to trick everybody.

BC: No, George, it's...you know what? Never mind.

GWB: Also, that torture scene is totally bogus. Anyone who knows their stuff would pull out your toenails before we'd go for the fingernails. That's standard procedure. Uh, someone didn't, you know, do all their research.

ME: Okay, last film for now. This was a request by the President, who wanted to discuss...Doom? Like, the video game?



BC: I didn't even see this turkey.

ME: Yeah, me neither.

GWB: OMFG! Are you guys kiddin'? This was totally the awesomest movie I saw all year. The Rock was already like amazing in Walking Tall and that one where he and the guy from American Pie were in the jungle with Christopher Walken, but this is his best movie yet (and maybe ever111!!11!) And in this one, he's got all these guns, and he's shooting demons...pchew-pchew-pchew-kabloom! I bet, in DVD, with 5.1, in the dark, you could turn up the volume real loud and it would be just like spending a night in Iraq. Good thing you could turn the DVD player off and go to bed, though, huh?

BC: Well, I'd love to hang out and chat with y'all, but Stacy Valentine and Jenna Haze are doing a live chat in about 5, and I've gotta go stop in and at least say hi.



GWB: Yeah, I should probably go make a speech somewhere about how the Iraq War is going fine and fags are dumb. Peace out...