Special Guest Blogger: God

So, James, anyway, as I was saying...



Wait a minute...

This isn't James Dobson's brain...

I'm sorry. You see, I'm supposed to be communing with pastor James Dobson. He begged me, on his radio show the other day, to speak to him and tell him what to think about Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers.

He said "There is so much in the balance [with this nominee], there is no way to put it into words . . . Because of that, Dobson is begging the Lord: "If this is not the person you want on that Supreme Court, all you have to do is tell me so, and do it through any means you want to."

And I was gonna show up in his mind as he slept tonight to tell him that Harriet's just fine with me. I mean, I know how she's gonna vote on every issue that's going to come before the Supreme Court. Cause, I'm God. And nothing in her soul displeases me too badly. She'll be a fine Justice. (And just between you and me, a hellcat in the sack.)

I was also going to tell James that I've given him a colon polyp, but since I seem to have gotten misdirected somewhere, I guess I'll rap at you good folks for a few minutes.

I've got to tell you, first off, I'm really freaked out by this Tom Cruise baby story. I'm pretty sure I made Tom Cruise sterile. Wasn't that why he and Nicole Kidman adopted two kids rather than have any of their own? I mean, the only other explanation for Tom not impregnating his incredibly beautiful wife would be that he's...you know...one of those. And he better not be, because that homo stuff really cheeses me off. For serious. It's in that book I wrote, look it up.

So if I'm right, and let's face it, I'm never wrong...Tom shouldn't be able to impregnate a chick. Which means it's something of an Immaculate Conception. And it wasn't me, people. I had nothing to do with it. I've been taking the form of an agent's assistant and going with this girl for a few years now, this waitress I met at Barney's Beanery. Anyway, it's getting kind of serious, and I would totally not risk our relationship over a night with Katie Holmes, whom I drunkenly cursed a few years back with fucked up feet. Why did I do that? So stupid when I drink! See?



Yuck.

Anyway, you can all see where I'm going with this. If I didn't impregnate her, and Maverick didn't impregnate her...who impregnated her? Satan? That Scientology guy? You all might have a Rosemary's Baby situation on your hands in a few months, that's all I'm saying. If Katie Holmes gets a short-ass haircut and starts wearing a pendant around her neck with a weird root in it, get the fuck out of Dodge, you know what I mean? Cause I'm not intervening on your behalf any time soon. Not when reality TV is getting this good.

I like that one reality show, where the billions of self-conscious primates dress up in silly outfits and race around spastically, clinging to the delusional notion that their pathetic, insignificant little lives have any kind of larger meaning or significance. I call it "Earth." It's pretty entertaining, but it's not exactly "Making the Band." I love Diddy. You all should put him up for sainthood or something. I know technically you can't do that for someone until they perform 3 miracles and then die, but make an exception...The guy throws awesome parties.

So that's what I'm doing most days, watching my stories while enjoying some fine ambrosia and, you know, trying to get some exercize when I can squeeze it in. And I try to make time to hang out with my son, but he's always out appearing in tortillas and blurry shrouds in South America and whatnot. And, you know, randomly assaulting homosexuals. Cause there's nothing me and the boy hate more than fags. But I said that already, right?

I'm gonna get up out of here in a few minutes. I've got to go set Dobson straight, and then there's my morning meet-and-greet with Nipsey Russell, got to make sure he's comfortable and everything. Of course he's up here! Haven't you ever seen "$10,000 Pyramid"? That guy's hilarious.

But there was one more thing I wanted to say real quick before I go. It's about this "Atheist Manifesto" these assholes are gonna publish online in December. They ran an excerpt in Huffington Post today. What a load of crap.

The atheist is merely a person who believes that the 260 million Americans (eighty-seven percent of the population) who claim to “never doubt the existence of God” should be obliged to present evidence for his existence -- and, indeed, for his benevolence, given the relentless destruction of innocent human beings we witness in the world each day. Only the atheist appreciates just how uncanny our situation is: most of us believe in a God that is every bit as specious as the gods of Mount Olympus; no person, whatever his or her qualifications, can seek public office in the United States without pretending to be certain that such a God exists; and much of what passes for public policy in our country conforms to religious taboos and superstitions appropriate to a medieval theocracy. Our circumstance is abject, indefensible, and terrifying. It would be hilarious if the stakes were not so high.

Seriously, guys, I know the Old Testament makes me out to be kind of self-conscious, kind of needy. That wasn't what I was going for...those were all Moses' passages. I don't really give a shit if you guys like me or not. Hey, you're alive. YOU'RE WELCOME. Anything else you want, you're gonna have to take care of yourself. I'm just your Creator, I'm not your fucking mommy.

So this asshole thinks that just because I'm not gonna bail him out every time things look bad, it means I don't exist. Deal with it, dude. I can't be everywhere at once. Well, I can, but maybe I don't feel like it, okay? Maybe I get involved in afternoon backgammon games or my DVD collection and forget about your sorry walking-erect asses for a couple of hours. So sue me. I'm only not human.

Only the atheist recognizes the boundless narcissism and self-deceit of the saved. Only the atheist realizes how morally objectionable it is for survivors of a catastrophe to believe themselves spared by a loving God, while this same God drowned infants in their cribs. Because he refuses to cloak the reality of the world’s suffering in a cloying fantasy of eternal life, the atheist feels in his bones just how precious life is -- and, indeed, how unfortunate it is that millions of human beings suffer the most harrowing abridgements of their happiness for no good reason at all.

I don't actually drown infants in their cribs. That's dumb. All I did was create infants and cribs and water, and then I made it so that when cribs with infants in them get submerged in water, the infant's lungs fill with that water, which the infant can't turn into oxygen, causing the infant to expire. Oh, yeah, and I made a big storm that blew over a house and knocked the crib into the water.

But, I mean, I don't actually do the drowning. Come on, I'm not a monster. Someone could have come and grabbed the kid out of the water and refilled its lungs with air and it would have been okay. I would have allowed it. But no one did. And now it's somehow my fault? Screw you guys. I didn't tell that jerkstick Adam to eat the apple, but he did, so now you're all doomed to suffer for eternity. Don't look at me, man, I didn't create the rules. Well, I did, but that was a long time ago. Well, okay, so time doesn't have meaning for me, and it's always like I'm creating the rules every minute, but for you it would seem like a long time ago, so same thing.

As Richard Dawkins has observed, we are all atheists with respect to Zeus and Thor. Only the atheist has realized that the biblical god is no different.

I am so totally different from Zeus and Thor. Zeus popped out of a guy's head, whereas I've been here all along. Okay, so that's difference number one. We do both have the thunder fetish thing, I'll admit that. And, as I said, we both have an intense fondness for ambrosia. But we're not really that alike, personality-wise. To be honest, I find him kind of obnoxious sometimes. And Thor? Let's just say, um, he doesn't share my strong views against homosexuality, if you catch my drift.

That so much of this suffering can be directly attributed to religion -- to religious hatreds, religious wars, religious delusions, and religious diversions of scarce resources -- is what makes atheism a moral and intellectual necessity. It is a necessity, however, that places the atheist at the margins of society. The atheist, by merely being in touch with reality, appears shamefully out of touch with the fantasy life of his neighbors.

You know what I find totally hilarious? This is a fairly cogent, reasonably well-written article, if a bit trite and obvious, and yet it won't matter one bit at all to anyone who reads it. The disbelievers will read it and shrug and go, "yeah, that's basically how I see it" and go on their way, only to die soon enough and be tortured for all eternity in a flaming pit of sulfur as punishment for their arrogance and lack of faith. And the believers will read it and think it's a load of crap, because their belief in me and my eternal awesomeness trumps any logical argument that anyone can make. It's powerful because it can't be proven, because no one can say anything against it no matter how hard they try. That's what gives religion its meaning, not because it's reasonable or likely to be proved true.

So, so sorry atheists, but you can't win. Write all the little blog posts you want. You guys have been trying this for thousands of years. My PR team is the best in the business, okay, and they have been branding me like a motherfucker for generations. The only people more recognizable than me around the world are Mickey Mouse, Michael Jordan and the Kool Aid Guy. And I'm gaining ground in Africa, so that red-faced pitcher asshole is going down.