Friday, July 01, 2005

Guest Film Reviewer: Sean Hannity

[Lons here...The Braffies are right around the corner. There's only one nominee left to be revealed, and trust me, it's a good one. A great one, as a matter of fact. This guy might get my vote! As for voting, I'll post an open call for votes. Any visitor of the blog is welcome to vote in the comments section. One man, one vote.

So, since the new host will be Sean Hannity, I wanted him to write a little something for the blog. He agreed, but only if he could, um, revise some of my previously published reviews. Fair enough.

I wanted to post a photo of Mr. Hannity, and I had this whole funny bit prepared where I was going to post a photo of Hitler and pretend I got them confused, but BloggerBot, the program that allows me to post photos, is down at the moment. So the blog will be text-only for a while. And, regrettably, all that text will still be written by me.

Except this post, which is by Sean Hannity, I swear.]

Greetings and salutations. Now, since you're a regular reader of this blog, I'll assume you're a liberal scumbag who hates America. I will not hold this against you, and will instead hope that the clarity and wisdom of my perspective will be all that's needed to fully convert you to the forward-thinking conservative agenda, that doesn't at all seek to undermine each and every one of your basic freedoms.

But before we get to my film reviews, I wanted to comment on this article by Max Blumenthal that Lons mentioned on the blog a few weeks ago. It provides pretty substantial evidence that I am a racist, and that I associate with many other known racists, including a man named Hal Turner who has called for the murder of illegal aliens and "savage negroes."

Well, did you happen to know this fascinating tidbit? Max Blumenthal is a Jew. And Lons, the author of this blog, is also a Jew. Now, I'll let you interpret that information for yourself. But really, is that just a coincidence, or is it something else entirely?

Also, I'd urge you all to not go visit this terrific blog post that exposes me as a habitual, quite possibly pathological, liar and a total fraud. I keep trying to have it removed from the Internet, but these stupid liberal computer geeks keep insisting to me that "that's not possible." Oh, and ignore these 124 individual articles on Media Matters discussing the various falsehoods and misleading arguments offered on my show. Whatever. They hate America.

On to the movie reviews:

Forrest Gump

Okay, so Lons, in this article, claimed that Forrest Gump is mindless political propaganda, encouraging Americans to behave like sheep, living lives of cheap consumerism and ignorance. This is totally wrong.

Forrest Gump is an inspiring tale about how one brave American from the South can make a difference. Forrest isn't the smartest guy, he doesn't have a fancy-pants education, but he knows what he needs to do. He goes to war, he plays ping-pong, he starts his own business. These are the ideas embraced by America's heartland. Violence, free enterprise and table tennis.

As for the argument that Jenny represents Liberal America, and their perceived moral decadence, well, most liberal women don't look as good as Robin Wright. Am I right? Who's with me? Yowza! She's more like an Ann Coulter than a Jeneane Garofalo, you knwo what I'm saying?

In fact, the life of Forrest Gump may remind you of the life of another notable American. He, too, grew up in the South, loving his momma, struggling through school. When the nation went to Vietnam, he also bravely joined the Armed Forces, though he nobly chose to defend the homeland rather than actually go "in country." Then, he kind of farted around until he was 40. But then, some lucky coincidences came together, and he found himself in the White House!

I think you all know who I mean...

Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

While I agree with Lons that this is an exciting and captivating adventure film, we disagree on our actual interpretations of the film. He seems to think it's a tragic story about Anakin Skywalker's fall from grace.

But really, it's a taut political saga, about one man's heroic struggle to free his Galaxy from the oppression of the do-nothing Galactic Republic.

Palpatine saw a universe run by a wasteful, bleeding-heart, dangerously secular beurocracy. This is a governing body that gave Jar Jar Binks the rank of Senator. He's a fish. What do they know? Nothing! Plus, they turn over all military decisions to a suspiciously UN-like council of alien monks. Is that who you would like making the tough choices about the safety of your family? They even let a black guy on the Council! I mean, come on!

And then people like to blame Palpatine for luring Anakin Skywalker to the Dark Side, and his subsequent dismemberment by Obi-Wan. But, hey, the Emperor can't be blamed for every casualty on the field of battle. Grand Moff Tarkin assured him he had enough Storm Toopers in the field. The mission was urgent for galactic security, the Emperor had a grand coalition of Clone Troopers ready to go in and fight with him. And despite his injuries...Anakin did liberate Mustaffar. Those weird lava people are free now, and will probably be holding open democratic elections soon.

So, yeah, what's tragic about this movie again? For me, it was the feel-good hit of the summer!

Fresh Bait

This movie is French. Seriously. Lons actually wrote a whole review for a French movie. It's even in French. And he liked it. Lons, why do you hate America?

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