Movie Review Archive

Normally, the archive won't be on the front page like this. It'll be linked over there on the sidebar. But it took me a while to compile, so I thought I'd leave it up here at least for now.

6 categories, from best to worst, each sub-ordered by release year. Enjoy.



CLASSICS

There Will Be Blood (2007, Anderson)
No Country for Old Men (2007, Coen)
The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford (2007, Dominik)
Children of Men (2006, Cuaron)
INLAND EMPIRE (2006, Lynch)
Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (2006, Charles)
The Departed (2006, Scorsese)
Munich (2005, Spielberg)
The New World (2005, Malick)
Grizzly Man (2005, Herzog)
Batman Begins (2005, Nolan)
Bob Dylan: No Direction Home (2005, Scorsese)
Match Point (2005, Allen)
Head-On/Lost Honor of Katherina Blum (2004, Akin/1975, Schlondorff)
Oldboy (2003, C. Park)
Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance/Pickpocket/Forbidden Games (2002, C. Park/1959, Bresson/1952, Clement)
Minority Report (2002, Spielberg)
The Double Life of Veronique (1991, Kieslowski)
Withnail & I (1987, Robinson)
Cross of Iron (1977, Peckinpah)
Network/Kind Hearts and Coronets (1976, Lumet/1949, Hamer)
The Passenger (1975, Antonioni)
F for Fake (1974, Welles)
Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia (1974, Peckinpah)
Charley Varrick (1973, Siegel)
Army of Shadows (1969, Melville)
Goyokin/Three Outlaw Samurai (1969/1967, Gosha/Gosha)
Petulia (1968, Lester)
Point Blank (1967, Boorman)
Le Samourai/Wizard of Oz (1967, Melville/1939, Fleming)
Weekend (1967, Godard)
Masculine Feminine (1966, Godard)
The Professionals (1966, R. Brooks)
Sword of Doom (1966, Okamoto)
Fists in the Pocket (1965, Bellocchio)
Hound of the Baskervilles (1959, Fisher)
The Sweet Smell of Success (1957, Mackendrick)
Rebel Without a Cause (1955, Ray)
Pickup on South Street (1953, Fuller)
Night and the City (1950, Dassin)
Asphalt Jungle (1950, Huston)
Where the Sidewalk Ends/Kiss of Death/The Dark Corner (1950, Preminger/1947, Hathaway/1946, Hathaway)
Unfaithfully Yours/Palm Beach Story (1948, Sturges/1942, Sturges)
The Killers (1946, Siodmak)
Laura (1944, Preminger)
Life and Death of Colonel Blimp (1943, Powell and Pressburger)
Young Mr. Lincoln (1939, Ford)
King Kong (1933, Cooper and Schoedsack)

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED

Juno (2007, J. Reitman)
The Darjeeling Limited (2007, Anderson)
Eastern Promises (2007, Cronenberg)
Rocket Science (2007, Blitz)
The Simpsons Movie (2007, Silverman)
Live Free or Die Hard (2007, Wiseman)
Rescue Dawn (2007, Herzog)
Knocked Up (2007, Apatow)
Hot Fuzz (2007, Wright)
Grindhouse (2007, Rodriguez and Tarantino)
Zodiac (2007, Fincher)
Black Book (2006, Verhoeven)
The Lives of Others (2006, Henckel von Donnersmarck)
The Queen (2006, Frears)
Marie Antoinette (2006, S. Coppolla)
Casino Royale (2006, Campbell)
A Scanner Darkly (2006, Russell)
The Proposition (2006, Hillcoat)
V for Vendetta (2006, McTeigue)
Find Me Guilty (2006, Lumet)
The Road to Guantanamo (2006, Winterbottom)
Hostel (2006, Roth)
Caché (2005, Haneke)
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005, Black)
13 (Tzameti) (2005, Babluani)
Brokeback Mountain (2005, Lee)
Good Night, and Good Luck.(2005, Clooney)
A History of Violence (2005, Cronenberg)
Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room (2005, Gibney)
Broken Flowers (2005, Jarmusch)
Wal-Mart: The High Cost of Low Price (2005, Greenwald)
The King (2005, Marsh)
Sin City (2005, Rodriguez)
Star Wars: Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith (2005, Lucas)
Howl's Moving Castle (2004, Miyazaki)
The Aviator (2004, Scorsese)
Undertow (2004, D. Green)
Bad Education (2004, Almoldovar)
Survive Style 5+ (2004, Sekiguchi)
Sideways (2004, Payne)
Closer (2004, Nichols)
A Very Long Engagement (2004, Jeunet)
I Heart Huckabees (2004, Russell)
Friday Night Lights (2004, Berg)
Cafe Lumiere (2003, Hou)
Fear and Trembling (2003, Corneau)
Memories of Murder (2003, Bong)
The Man Who Copied (2003, Furtado)
I'm Not Scared (2003, Salvatores)
Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter...and Spring (2003, K. Kim)
Overnight (2003, Montana and Smith)
Funny Ha Ha (2002, Bujalski)
Donnie Darko: Director's Cut (2001, Kelly)
The Isle (2000, K. Kim)
Fresh Bait (1995, Tavernier)
Cemetary Man (1994, Saovi)
Cronos (1993, Del Toro)
Trauma (1993, Argento)
My Own Private Idaho (1991, Van Sant)
Naked Lunch (1991, Cronenberg)
Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead (1990, Stoppard)
Metropolitan (1990, Stillman)
Rumble Fish (1983, F. F. Coppola)
Southern Comfort (1981, Hill)
Cutter's Way (1981, Passer)
Thief (1981, Mann)
Bad Timing (1980, Roeg)
The Driver (1978, Hill)
The Man Who Fell to Earth (1976, Roeg)
The Laughing Policeman (1973, Rosenberg)
Sisters (1973, De Palma)
Prime Cut (1972, Ritchie)
Winter Soldier (1972)
Hunger (1966, Carlsen)
Jigoku (1960, Nakagawa)
Elevator to the Gallows (1958, Malle)
House of Bamboo/The Street With No Name (1955, Fuller/1948, Keighley)
Clash by Night (1952, Lang)
The Man in the White Suit (1951, Mackendrick)
Born to Kill (1947, Wise)
Lifeboat (1944, Hitchcock)
Fury (1936, Lang)
Hands Across the Table (1935, Leisen)
I Am a Fugitive From a Chain Gang (1932, LeRoy)

RECOMMENDED WITH RESERVATIONS

Superbad (2007, Mottola)
3:10 to Yuma (2007, Mangold)
1408 (2007, Håfström)
Fantastic Four 2: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007, Story)
Blades of Glory (2007, Gordon and Speck)
Little Children (2006, Field)
Pan's Labyrinth (2006, Del Toro)
Babel (2006, Innaritu)
The Prestige (2006, Nolan)
The Black Dahlia (2006, De Palma)
Little Miss Sunshine (2006, Dayton and Farris)
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (2006, McKay)
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest (2006, Verbinski)
An Inconvenient Truth (2006, Guggenheim)
Accepted (2006, Pink)
The Break-Up (2006, Reed)
Running Scared (2006, Kramer)
Underworld: Evolution (2006, Wiseman)
Slither (2006, Gunn)
Inside Man/CSA (2006, Lee/2004, Willmott)
Lemming (2005, Moll)
Edmond (2005, Gordon)
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005, Burton)
The Matador/The Libertine (2005, Shepard/2004, Dunmore)
The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada (2005, Jones)
Capote (2005, Miller)
The Squid and the Whale (2005, Baumbach)
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005, Newell)
Pride and Prejudice (2005, Wright)
Walk the Line (2005, Mangold)
The Aristocrats (2005, Jilette and Provenza)
Thumbsucker (2005, Mills)
Junebug (2005, Morrison)
Hustle & Flow (2005, Brewer)
Red Eye (2005, Craven)
The Wedding Crashers (2005, Dobkin)
War of the Worlds (2005, Spielberg)
Lady Vengeance (2005, C. Park)
Me and You and Everyone We Know (2005, July)
Devil's Rejects (2005, Zombie)
Land of the Dead (2005, Romero)
Constantine (2005, Lawrence)
Palindromes (2005, Solondz)
Sarah Silverman: Jesus is Magic (2005, Lynch)
The Descent/Let's Scare Jessica to Death (2005, N. Marshall/1971, Hancock)
The 40-Year-Old Virgin (2005, Apatow)
2046 (2004, Wong)
Downfall (2004, Hirschbiegel)
Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events (2004, Silberling)
Steamboy (2004, Otomo)
Creep (2004, C. Smith)
Izo/Quintet/Demon Seed (2004/1979/1977, Miike/Altman/Cannell)
Hotel Rwanda (2004, George)
The Woodsman (2004, Kassell)
Primer (2004, Carruth)
Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (2004, Conran)
Ocean's Twelve (2004, Soderbergh)
Saw (2004, Wan)
Vera Drake (2004, Leigh)
The Brown Bunny (2003, Gallo)
A Tale of Two Sisters (2003, J. Kim)
Rounders (1998, Dahl)
The Eel (1997, Imamura)
The Frighteners: Director's Cut (1996, Jackson)
Bugsy (1991, Levinson)
Cape Fear (1991, Scorsese)
Casualties of War (1989, De Palma)
Year of the Dragon (1985, Cimino)
The Big Red One (1981, Fuller)
Three Days of the Condor (1975, Pollack)
Viva Maria (1965, Malle)
Warlock (1959, Dmytryk)
Seven Men From Now (1956, Boetticher)
Panic in the Streets (1950, Kazan)
Call Northside 777 (1948, Hathaway)
Possessed (1947, Bernhardt)

NOT RECOMMENDED

The Bourne Ultimatum (2007, Greengrass)
The Science of Sleep (2006, Gondry)
My Super Ex-Girlfriend (2006, I. Reitman)
World Trade Center (2006, Stone)
The Devil Wears Prada (2006, Frankel)
Idlewild (2006, Barber)
Miami Vice (2006, Mann)
Mission: Impossible III (2006, Abrams)
X-Men: The Last Stand (2006, Ratner)
16 Blocks (2006, Donner)
Silent Hill (2006, Gans)
Tsotsi (2005, Hood)
Syriana (2005, Gaghan)
The Notorious Bettie Page (2005, Harron)
Hard Candy (2005, Slade)
Aeon Flux (2005, Kusama)
Ellie Parker/Pray (2005, Coffey/2005, Sato)
Wolf Creek (2005, McLean)
King Kong (2005, Jackson)
Memoirs of a Geisha (2005, R. Marshall)
Jarhead (2005, Mendes)
The Ice Harvest (2005, Ramis)
North Country (2005, Caro)
Separate Lies (2005, Fellowes)
The Weather Man (2005, Verbinski)
Wallace and Gromit in Curse of the Were-Rabbit (2005, N. Park)
Oliver Twist (2005, Polanski)
The Island (2005, Bay)
The Constant Gardener (2005, Meirelles)
Inside Deep Throat (2005, Bailey and Barbato)
Bubble (2005, Soderbergh)
Kingdom of Heaven (2005, R. Scott)
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (2005, Jennings)
Melinda and Melinda (2004, Allen)
The Machinist (2004, B. Anderson)
Kung Fu Hustle (2004, Chow)
Team America: World Police (2004, Parker)
Kinsey (2004, Condon)
National Treasure (2004, Turteltaub)
Enduring Love (2004, Michell)
Meet the Fockers (2004, Roach)
Tae Guk Gi: The Brotherhood of War (2004, Kang)
The Last Shot (2004, Nathanson)
The Life Aquatic (2004, W. Anderson)
Million Dollar Baby (2004, Eastwood)
Modern Romance (1981, A. Brooks)
Dracula A.D. 1972 (1972, Gibson)
The Cincinnati Kid (1965, Jewison)
High Sierra (1941, Walsh)
Gunga Din (1939, Stevens)

PROCEED WITH EXTREME CAUTION

Michael Clayton (2007, Gilroy)
The Kingdom (2007, Berg)
Stardust (2007, Vaughn)
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End (2007, Verbinski)
Spider-Man 3 (2007, Raimi)
All the King's Men (2006, Zaillian)
Tideland (2006, Gilliam)
Clerks II (2006, K. Smith)
The Da Vinci Code (2006, Howard)
Cars (2006, Lasseter)
The Omen/Feast (2006, Moore/2005, Gulager)
The Hills Have Eyes (2006, Aja)
The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (2006, Lin)
An American Haunting (2005, Solomon)
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe (2005, Adamson)
Brick(2005, R. Johnson)
Derailed (2005, Hafstrom)
Mirrormask (2005, McKean)
The Brothers Grimm (2005, Gilliam)
Tim Burton's Corpse Bride (2005, Burton and Johnson)
The Bad News Bears (2005, Linklater)
Pretty Persuasion (2005, Siega)
Fantastic Four (2005, Story)
Havoc (2005, Kopple)
March of the Penguins (2005, Jacquet)
Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2005, Liman)
Bewitched (2005, Ephron)
Kicking and Screaming (2005, Dylan)
The Amityville Horror (2005, Douglas)
Sahara (2005, Eisner)
The Ring Two (2005, Nakata)
The Great New Wonderful (2005, Leiner)
The Interpreter (2005, Pollack)
Hostage (2005, Siri)
Cursed (2005, Craven)
The Jacket (2005, Maybury)
White Noise (2005, Sax)
In Good Company (2004, Weitz)
Beyond the Sea (2004, Spacey)
Eros (2004; Wong, Soderbergh and Antonioni)
Layer Cake (2004, Vaughn)
Spanglish (2004, J. Brooks)
The Toolbox Murders (2004, Hooper)
Alien vs. Predator (2004, P. W. S. Anderson)
The Forgotten (2004, Ruben)
Alexander: Director's Cut (2004, Stone)
Dark Water (2002, Nakata)
Wise Guys (1986, De Palma)
Equinox (1970, Muren and Woods)

BRAFFSTERPIECES

Southland Tales (2007, Kelly)
Transformers (2007, Bay)
300 (2007, Snyder)
Lady in the Water (2006, Shyamalan)
Superman Returns (2006, Singer)
Scoop (2006, Allen)
Thank You For Smoking(2006, J. Reitman)
Lucky Number Slevin(2006, McGuigan)
Basic Instinct 2(2006, Caton-Jones)
United 93(2006, Greengrass)
Friends With Money(2006, Holofcener)
Nacho Libre (2006, Hess)
The Wicker Man (2006, LaBute)
The Sentinel(2006, C. Johnson)
Freedomland/Date Movie (2006, Roth/2006, Seltzer)
Poseidon(2006, Peterson)
When a Stranger Calls/The Ringer (2006, West/2005, Blaustein)
A Sound of Thunder (2005, Hyams)
Serenity (2005, Whedon)
Beowulf and Grendel (2005, Gunnarsson)
XXX: State of the Union (2005, Tamahori)
Daltry Calhoun (2005, Bronson)
Elizabethtown (2005, Crowe)
Flightplan (2005, Schwentke)
Rumor Has It (2005, Reiner)
Cinderella Man (2005, Howard)
Lord of War (2005, Niccol)
Domino (2005, T. Scott)
Crash (2005, Haggis)
Bloodrayne (2005, Boll)
The Producers (2005, Stroman)
The Polar Express (2004, Zemeckis)
Mindhunters (2004, Harlin)
Exorcist: The Beginning (2004, Harlin)
Ray (2004, Hackford)
Finding Neverland (2004, Forster)
Blade: Trinity (2004, Goyer)
Suspect Zero (2004, Merhige)
High Roller: The Stu Ungar Story (2003, Vidmer)
The Duchess and The Dirtwater Fox (1976, Frank)
The Magus (1968, G. Green)

You repo men, you're all out to fuckin' lunch

This trailer for Repo: The Genetic Opera is getting attention because it features The Paris Hilton. But it deserves attention for being one of the most ludicrous things ever made.



It's not the concept of a horror musical that's notable. That's been done quite a bit. Phantom of the Paradise. Rocky Horror Picture Show. Can't Stop the Music. What makes Repo: The Genetic Opera stand out is that it looks like the storyboard to an Korn music video, only instead of that Korn idiot, you've got Paris Hilton - a person who, to the best of my recollection, doesn't so much sing as she does exhale in the vicinity of a microphone, filling in the actual singing via a sophisticated network of computers.

I'm not sure if "Korn music video storyboard", or even "Bargain Bin rehash of a Saw workprint" quite captures the aesthetic of Repo: The Genetic Opera (and what is with that name...putting "genetic" in the title of a movie featuring Paris Hilton is just asking for trouble. Perhaps they received a payoff from the Porn Titler's Union Local #290.)

Okay, first imagine that Brett Ratner directed a remake of Interview with the Vampire as a student film back in his NYU days, scored entirely by the campus glee club, while they were all in the midst of a 12-day adderall binge. Then, overexpose the film. Then cover it in vaseline and chicken shit. Now throw Goth Paris Hilton in there. That's the Repo: Genetic Opera trailer.

I hope it succeeds, though. If there's one thing we need, it's more campy slasher musicals. Tim Burton's Sweeney Todd means there's only two such films coming out in the next few months. I think we can do better than that...

A Portrait of Authority

"Beat on the Braff", the second-most-trafficked post in Crushed by Inertia history, gets a lot of comments. Some are positive (towards me and thus negative to Zach Braff), some negative (- to me, + to Braff). Some I think may even BE Zach Braff.

So last night, I'm a bit tipsy, because I just got home from the Man Man show at the Troubadour. (Quick notes on the show: It was really good, because Man Man is amazing, but the place was way overcrowded and the attendees were largely smelly assholes. And I'm not using figurative language here...At one point, I had a really good look at the stage, but I had to go somewhere else because the man next to me smelled intensely awful, like the full, lidless dumpster behind the Franco-American factory eight weeks into a sanitation strike. And the crowd was moshing, during Man Man, which is just poor form, but did kind of take me back to my teenage years, desperately trying to get close enough to the stage to hear Lagwagon without being knocked over. By the way, if you're around my age and listened to Lagwagon in high school, don't click that link and see how old those dudes are now unless you want to get deeeeeeeeeeee-pressed.)

Anyway, I'm tipsy, and I find there's a new comment in the "Beat on the Braff" forum, from Anonymous:

Sir, I could not disagree with you more.

Sir? Right off the bat, he's not doing so hot with that kind of affectation. Who addresses a blog comment to "Sir," and particularly an insulting one?

I don't think Zach Braff neccesarily [sic] deserves the amount of praise and hype he's gotten, but he is talented.

I mean, how to respond to such a thing? I don't think the guy is talented. This guy does...We're at an impasse. Why not just leave it at that?

I don't know if you have any credentials to back up your assertions that he cannot direct or act, but I do.

OH NO NO NO NO NO. WHY? Why go there? Why imply that I don't have a right to an opinion? What is to be gained?

Nothing pisses me off more than the near-daily comments posted to this blog by strangers who want to insist that I don't have a right to feel things or express feelings publicly. This is the essence of living in a free society. It's the FIRST FUCKING THING they wrote in the Bill of Rights. Before OWNING A GUN, EVEN!

There's no logical reason anyone could possibly be compelled to shut me up because, let's face it, I'm reaching a few hundred people a day here...I have no impact...There's no greater geopolitical significance to my saying what I want to say.

Bill O'Reilly...now THAT'S a guy I'd love to be able to shut up, because he's genuinely poisoning our airwaves with ignorant lies and violently militaristic propaganda, spreading a message of hate and fear to millions of Americans daily. But, me? I'm a sarcastic Jew who dislikes a big Hollywood actor/director and enjoys sharing this opinion with others. The only reason this guy wants me to shut up is that he feels threatened by my opinion.

I don't know why...

Maybe, as an actor, he fears that audiences will feel liberated to dislike his work, in the same way I dislike Braff's. So he's putting himself in Braff's shoes and realizing that the sting of professional criticism may be more than he can bear.

OR perhaps his precious opinions on acting are the only things in which he can truly take pride, and as my strongly worded opinion differs from his own, he must either snuff me out or concede that he is worthless as a human being.

I suppose there are a few other possibilities. But needless to say, I don't like being told that I lack the credentials to voice an opinion. Perhaps you disagree with my assertions, and maybe you can even back up your rebuttal with evidence and win the argument, but you don't have a right to tell me I can't think what I want or make my voice heard.

Why anyone would even want to do such a thing is beyond me.

Furthermore, I think that you just want something or someone to hate. You probably spend so much time hating Zach Braff that you never objectively look at what he's done and what he's doing.

A lot of people make this argument in re: my opinion of Zach Braff. As if I had some sort of motive in hating him aside from...hating him. I just don't like the guy. Is it maybe a bit irrational, in that my dislike for his acting exceeds my dislike for the equally mediocre acting of his peers? Sure. I'll grant that.

But no one makes this argument. People instead come here and deny my authority to even make an argument in the first place, then they try to imply that my hatred of Braff is based on some irrational delusion. Like I just felt a desperate urge to hate someone one day, and his was the first face I saw, and now he's imprinted on my brain like a Mama Duck. No one behaves in this way. If I say I dislike someone, it's probably because I have seen what they do and am not a fan.

I, recently, harbored a blood hatred for Leonardo Di Caprio: upon watching Blood Diamond, I conceded that I may be mistaken. Back to the point: I don't idolize Zach Braff, but I do think he's talented, and I think he works harder than a lot of actor/directors.

Wow...a BLOOD hatred. I've never even gone that far.

But notice that this guy permits HIMSELF to hold these kinds of strong opinions (and unquestionably about superior actors to Zach Braff). I'm just not allowed. Because I lack credentials. Who actually thinks this way? Who could possibly be this smug? I mean, that isn't Bill Maher.

So, BEARING IN MIND, as I said, that I was a few beers deep at the time...I left this comment back for the guy:

Oh, last commenter, please elaborate. Tell me more of these CREDENTIALS you have for evaluating acting and directing. A degree in Advanced Academic Evaluationisticisms from the Sorbonne, perhaps? A G.E.D. from the Tuscaloosa, Alabama High School for the Performing Arts?

You know what, you goddamn waste of space? Your opinion has no more or less validity than anyone else's. That's a fucking FACT and you better start dealing with it. Your nonsensical parading around the Internet, ANONYMOUSLY claiming that you can lord your opinion over others like a weapon, kind of makes me want to throw up or hit you or both. (Maybe throw up on you whilst hitting you.)

Get off my blog.

And I meant it, by the way. Not that I want to shut this guy up...cause who really cares what he has to say...but because I hate this kind of energy on my blog, even on old posts that I could safely just ignore. If people are going to argue with me, I want a nice, solid, good-faith argument, not some sort of academic pissing contest. (The "waste of space" line may have been a bit far...but I've always liked that insult. It's kind of one of my go-to insults.)

Anyway, the guy came back and left a comment with his name. I won't reprint it here, but you can just go to original post and see for yourself if you're so inclined...

Ha! You call ME a waste of space?

Yeah, I guess that was a bit too far...

The irony is delicious. You are a pretentious, self-righteous ass, and I will not leave simply because you say so.

Bear in mind, this is the same guy who said I lacked the credentials to gauge Zach Braff's acting skills. He's calling me pretentious.

And, for the record, the credentials are a BFA in Acting from Southern Oregon University, an MFA in acting from Yale, and many years of acting experience.

In...in my face? I guess? I mean, SOU, you know...Fuck me...

Honestly, I just...I just don't know how to respond here. I mean, who takes degrees this seriously? I have a Master's Degree, too, and it was a massive waste of 2 years. That's not to say that everyone's grad school experience was the same. I know some people who got a tremendous amount out of their post-graduate education. But to imagine that a few extra years in some classroom grants you superior, elite wisdom, such that your opinion gains immediate and permanent supremacy over all others...it's insane. This man actually thinks he's the Arbiter of Taste because he has some diploma up on his wall, or because he's been in some plays or "CSI" episodes or commercials for hand soap or whatever he means by "many years of acting experience."

I would also like to point out that I think it's funny that you feel you that your opinion on acting and directing, etc, is just as valid as mine, even though you have never studied it and probably don't know what 'it' is, or what makes 'it' good and bad.

I don't know what acting is? Really? Well, I'm not positive, but isn't it a lot like pretending...only with more accuracy? (Actually, I'm sure the writer of the comment would disagree with my contention that acting is essentially artistic pretending, but that would be because he is, as I mentioned above, a titanically massive bag full of douche, and I mean that in the least misogynist way possible).

I will use the analogy of acting to fine arts such as sculpture. You would know what you like an don't like, but I would hope that you're not so rash as to walk into a fine arts museum and start calling famous sculptures "bad" because you dislike them.

Anyone else reminded of our old friend, Brian Atene?



You wouldn't, because beyond what you like or dislike, you have no credentials on which to base an objective judgment of the piece's artistic worth. Yet, in acting, you feel you do have the credentials to judge an actor's work.

Did you follow that, or was that too many words for your miniature brain?

And since you have an issue with me posting anonymously, despite the fact that I don't think my name has anything to do with this, I will include me name. You cannot bully me.

For the record, here's what I said about Zach Braff's acting:

I mean, writing/directing aside, have you see "Scrubs"? It's a half-hour mugging session. The guy does more double-takes in an episode than Wile E. Coyote. That's acting? That's a performance? Bugging out your eyes or looking winsome? I mean, I guess it's not that hard to be the best sitcom actor around. You're competing in a field where Master Craftsmen are Jim Belushi, Kevin James and Ray Romano. It's slightly more competitive than winning a footrace against 3rd graders.

Seems to me that I'm just expressing a rather straightforward opinion. I may not have an MFA, but I know what mugging looks like, and I know that Jim Belushi is considered among the top tier of sitcom actors. One more time, for the record, we're talking about sitcoms, not the Collected Works of George Bernard fucking Shaw. They let Tom Shales review TV shows every day, and I'm pretty sure that guy's not allowed to ride the bus on his own.

Anyway, I'm just really gobsmacked that anyone would feel like they have this kind of authority or expertise, that they're free to visit the blogs of strangers and INSTRUCT them about the types of posts they can make and opinions they can hold. I left him a long, harshly-phrased comment to this effect back on the original post, not so much because I care about convincing this most-likely-hopeless case, but just because I occasionally need to vent. I have hopefully now gotten it out of my system.

Like Eating a Hot Circle of Garbage...

"Office" fans may be interested to know that both pizza restaurants mentions on the show a few week's back - "Pizza by Alfredo" and "Alfredo's Pizza Cafe" - have websites online. They are not, of course, REAL, but you've got to admire the effort NBC's putting into turning the fake world of Dunder-Mifflin into an online reality. In addition to multiple character blogs and the Dunder-Mifflin Infinity destination, they're now getting into the phony pizza business.

(These new sites are so realistic, I actually almost believed they were legit until reading this debunking post from Best Week Ever.) I wonder if this strategy is actually having any effect whatsoever on the show's ratings. Do people who wouldn't otherwise watch "The Office" discover the hilarity via these web destinations? Just strikes me as unlikely...

Perhaps it's just about keeping the viewers they already have engaged and watching...Or maybe the idea is that they can get more viewers to log into NBC.com, thereby discovering other NBC programming? Anyone actually know the strategy here?

"Brilliant"

Check out the "blog" of "unnecessary" quotation marks. Hilarious stuff.

[Hat tip, Gorilla Mask]

Kinky Wizards

This whole thing about Dumbledore from the "Potter" books being gay is truly outstanding. Very enjoyable fallout, J.K...we all owe you one for this essentially pointless but nonetheless highly amusing gesture.

Quick, quick backstory in case you don't follow fictional character outings...During a Q&A session, when asked about whether or not Dumbledore ever found love, "Potter" author J.K. Rowling revealed that the character was, in fact, homosexual.

"Dumbledore is gay," the author responded to gasps and applause.

She then explained that Dumbledore was smitten with rival Gellert Grindelwald, whom he defeated long ago in a battle between good and bad wizards. "Falling in love can blind us to an extent," Rowling said of Dumbledore's feelings, adding that Dumbledore was "horribly, terribly let down."

Interesting that this doesn't sound spontaneous - Rowling obviously had given thought to Dumbledore's personal history before - yet didn't find its way into any of the books. Why not bring it up within the text? Why wait until months after the publication of the final book to "reveal" a significant aspect of a character's personality and makeup? (Probably because it doesn't matter, but it's still interesting).

What does it mean when authors to just throw out appendages to their work after the fact? Should this information then inform future interpretations of their work? I'm not convinced that Dumbledore must be gay because Rowling says so. If I can read the books and come to a different conclusion (say, that he's secretly carrying on an affair with Professor McGonagall), must I be incorrect because my interpretation contradicts the author's thoughts on the subject?

Actually, you may not realize this, but Rowling is part of a grand tradition of artists introducing shocking relevations about their characters long after the original work was produced...

THE NEW YORK TIMES, MARCH 22, 1943

"WELLES: KANE'S A HOPHEAD!"

NEW YORK, NEW YORK - In a radio interview this morning on the McHutchin's Pork and Beans Supper Good Time Happy Variety Hour, filmmaker Orson Welles announced that his famed "Charles Foster Kane" character only wanted his childhood sled back because "that's where he hid his stash."

"I'm amused by the wild interpretations of 'Rosebud' in my film," Welles told rapt host Basil Wentworth "Johnny" Hazel. "He wanted the sled back because it was crammed full of barbituates and Benzedrine.

VARIETY, NOVEMBER 6, 1953

"HEN LOVER'S BLOWN COVER! FLIX CHICKIE MISSES DIXIE!

Animator Robert McKimson revealed yesterday at the first-annual Hollywood Awards that beloved Warner Bros. cartoon star Foghorn Leghorn was an active participant in the Ku Klux Klan before his 1946 debut, "Walky Talky Hawky."



"The fans will understand," explain McKimson. "He was a different bird back then. There's a lot of social pressure on a Tennessee rooster to fit in, and Foghorn's speech impediment already put him at a disadvantage."

When approached for comment, Leghorn declined to speak with the press, but did release this statement through a representative:

"I say, now, I say...This, this here allegation is about as nutty as a fruitcake. I may have, I say, may have attended a few meetings, but that hardly makes me a Grand Wizard, son. You're a nice boy, but about as sharp as a bowling ball."

McKimson suggested that Leghorn kept his secret by using the pseudonym "Robert Byrd" at all Klan events and gatherings."

So, those are the interesting ramifications of such an announcement, I think (if there are, in fact, any interesting ramifications at all.) Of course, to screeching homophobes, such a benign statement comes across as a declaration of war. Here's columnist Don Surber:

The author of the Harry Potter books told an audience at Carnegie Hall that Albus Dumbledore, master wizard and Headmaster of Hogwarts, is gay.

He’s also a fictional character.

So what? Are fictional characters not allowed to be gay? Someone tell Ann Rice!

Why would people applaud? Why would it be necessary to have this as a back story? Maybe the final paragraph in the AP story explains it: “Not everyone likes her work, Rowling said, likely referring to Christian groups that have alleged the books promote witchcraft. Her news about Dumbledore, she said, will give them one more reason.”

Yes, knock the Christians. That will sell books.

I wouldn't really worry too much about J.K. Rowling's ability to sell books. She's got to be among the wealthiest authors on Earth, right? (I'm too lazy to look this up, but if she was not in the Top 2 or 3 novelists on the planet right now, I'd be extremely surprised.)

But really, the whole comment here is just puzzling. It's nonsensical to ask "why" a novel would require backstory. It's a work of fiction! Why does any detail exist in any work of fiction! You might as well as why Scout lived next door to Boo Radley, or why Pip is so stupid that he doesn't realize it's Abel Magwitch, the convict he saved all those years back, who's acting as his benefactor, not crazy old Miss Havisham. Cause that's the goddamn story, you fucking meathead. You don't like it, write your own goddamn book, where no one is gay and Jesus is magic. Otherwise, just shut up.

Face!!!!!

Right-Wing Facebook...Finally!



It's a pretty solid parody - one of the better jokey political sites I've seen. Each candidate has his own "profile" page. I particularly liked that Mike Huckabee's favorite quote is “I can has cheezburger?!1!”

DragonForce Brings the Rock

OMFG DRAGONFORCE FTW!1!1!!!1!



Actual Mahalo staff reactions:

- "if dragons were real they would be pissed their name is being used for this"

- "looks like they kinda bit off soundgarden's black hole sun video. like rockin' till the earth is destroyed"

- "operation ground and pound 4Eva"

- "this is the longest 5 minutes of my life"

- "it's like if sonic the hedgehog was in a metal band"

- "it's like Asia + Zebra + Motorhead...Aszebrahead"

The Darjeeling Limited

I try not to pre-judge movies before I watch them, like a responsible reviewer. But I have to admit, I wasn't expecting to like Wes Anderson's new film, The Darjeeling Limited. I disliked Anderson's last film, The Life Aquatic, which felt entirely too broad and forced, like some hack trying to imitate the director's signature style rather than his own work. The trailers for Darjeeling so heavily emphasized the "Wes Anderson-ness" of the new film, with the director's trademark tracking shots, stock company of actors, classic rock montages and close-ups of background minutae taking center stage. I just assumed this would be another retread, one more trip back to the well for a guy that was growing more and more predictable by the day.

So it gives me great pleasure to report that Darjeeling is a major step up from Aquatic, a film that's infused with a lot of the elements that make Wes Anderson movies great but not overwhelmed by his presence. This is a very sad story about some pretty unpleasant people - it's really a meditation on selfishness - that's very funny, charming and frequently beautiful. It may be Anderson's best film since his breakthrough hit, Rushmore.





The Whitman Brothers, like a lot of Wes Anderson heroes, cannot live in the moment because they are fixated on the past. Francis Whitman (Owen Wilson), the eldest brother, has been recently mangled in a motorcycle accident. When asked about it, he responds that he "ran into a cliff on purpose" before catching himself. Jack Whitman (Jason Schwartzman, who co-wrote the film with his cousin Roman Coppola and Anderson) still pines for the woman (played by Natalie Portman in Hotel Chevalier, a short film/prologue to Darjeeling available free on iTunes) who left him months before. Peter Whitman (Adrian Brody, in one of the year's best performances) isn't ready to be a father, despite the fact that his wife's due to give birth in six weeks.

Though we sense that they've always been troubled and neurotic, the Whitman boys have been haunted for the past year by the death of their beloved father Jimmy, who was struck down in the street by a taxi. They have not spoken since the funeral, a silence eventually broken with Francis invites the other two to take a train ride with him across India.

The best thing Anderson did with Darjeeling is give these three parts to these guys. Brody's extremely awkward, almost alien, as Peter, who never seems to know how to respond to anything, or even where to stand. It's almost as if Anderson blocked out the entire film without Brody present, and then just threw him into the scenes last minute. Wilson, as everyone now realizes, was going through a very difficult time personally while portraying Francis, but it's easily among his most charming, most Owen Wilson-y characters. Hidden behind bandages for the majority of the movie, he still makes Francis the most human and fragile of the brothers. He's an extremely difficult guy to be around - bossy and demanding, then hurt when one of his instructions isn't followed to the letter.

All of Anderson's films address, in some way, this kind of wounded narcissism. His characters struggle to connect, but always seem to do so with an air of heightened expectation and arrogance. "Here I am," Royal Tenenbaum, Max Fischer and Francis Whitman all seem to say. "Now, it's your duty to love and accept me!" When others don't reciprocate in quite the way they expect, it sends these men into an uncontrollable downward spiral.

Darjeeling is Anderson's most clear-eyed, honest and therefore most depressing examination of this syndrome. Francis is controlling to an almost maniacal degree, constantly telling his brothers, directly, what they're all going to do, how they're all going to feel, and even what they should order for breakfast. Then he wonders why they avoid him and keep secrets. Peter has allowed his grief to overtake his entire life for a year and has become something of a kleptomaniac. Jack spends the bulk of the film obsessively following around two women, listening to the messages on his ex-girlfriend's answering machine and semi-stalking the comely, and attached, stewardess on the train. These characters have apparently taken this journey to connect with each other, but can't seem to actually spend any time together. And when they're forced into one another's company, they can't get past their feelings of perpetual victimhood and paranoia for long enough to even conduct some small talk.

Francis wants to take a spiritual journey, and has tasked his assistant, Brendan (Wallace Wolodarsky), with staying in another train compartment and planning trips to all sorts of shrines and temples. But of course, with their minds permanently elsewhere, scheming and planning out their next move and nursing private resentments, all the meditation and sacred Hindu rites are hollow and meaningless. (Personal squabbles prevent them from even kneeling before the same deity. Peter has to get up and pray somewhere else.)

Anderson mines similar comic territory as David O. Russell in I Heart Huckabee's (also with Schwartzman, interestingly enough...) Life is a constant struggle between the desire of higher consciousness and understanding, and the daily, material grind of actions and consequences. One minute, Jack, Peter and Francis are standing on a hillside holding aloft peacock feathers, recreating some ancient mystic rite, and then next they're debating whether or not their dead father would approve of Peter using his razor.

The Indian desert is actually an ideal venue for Anderson's deadpan comic style (and not only because all of his films have included humorously silent Indian men). Unlike the animated underwater wonderland of Life Aquatic or the absurd prep school caricature of Rushmore, Darjeeling takes place in a recognizable, real environment, which gives the film a bit of added impact. We're still definitely in Wes Andersonland. The use of Peter Sarstedt's ridiculous, lilting ballad "Where Do You Go To (My Lovely)" in both Darjeeling and Hotel Chevalier is a telling detail, an almost self-aware gesture.




Like Sarstedt's flowery language and pretentious references, Anderson films linger in a world of precious, twee details and spontaneous, adorable outpourings of emotion. (It's such an apt comparison, Sarstedt's narrator could easily be an Anderson protagonist.) But Darjeeling starts reigning it in at some point, pulling back from the fantasy, unafraid to stare a little more deeply into the darkness, creating something more recognizably human and heartfelt.

The protagonists eventually find themselves stuck in a small Indian village amidst a tragedy, and the film gets a bit more serious. Anderson starts to actually let go of the half-ironic smirk that generally holds sway over his movies. He, for once, gets real. He should do it more often.

Showalter and Black at the Ivar

MTV's "The State" was on television a decade ago. That makes me feel really old. In fact, most of the members of the comedy troupe that brought the world "Louie," "The Jew, the Italian and the Red-Haired Gay," "Doug" and "Monkey Torture" are better known for their subsequent projects. (Thomas Lennon probably gets way more attention for "Reno 911" than he ever did for "The State," even though it's one of the best sketch comedy shows in recent memory.)

Tonight, I saw two "State" veterans - Michael Showalter and Michael Ian Black - doing stand-up comedy at the Ivar Theater, a converted movie theater. It was, without a doubt, one of the most hilarious evenings of stand-up I have ever seen. Their delivery, Showalter's in particular, recalls the brilliance of Zach Galifianakis from the recent "Live at the Purple Onion" DVD. It's a halting, awkward sort of persona, as if the show might just run out of air and collapse in on itself at any time.

I'm not sure if this is done strategically, to put the audience in a somewhat uncomfortable, edgy state, to raise the tension in the room, so the punchlines hit harder, or if it's just the natural rhythm these guys fall into when they get on stage. Either way, it totally enhances the frequently non-sequiteur, just plain bizarre jokes these guys tell, by bringing you inside this fractured state of mind. This is why a Galifianakis joke can't really be explained to someone who wasn't there after the show. It only makes sense when you've been inside his head for a little while.

Much of Showalter's act involved a slideshow, so he had to, at one point, stop doing his comedy and fiddle with the projector to ensure that it was going to work. At that point, he'd been on the stage for less than 10 minutes, but had already won over the audience to the point that even this generally unfunny technological gaffe won him big laughs. Usually, I'd criticize this kind of a flaw - a comic having to fudge his timing in order to do something a stagehand or assistant should really have taken care of before the show - but instead I laughed, the way you'd laugh if someone you know was messing up a big presentation.

Showalter combines the kind of long-winded anecdotal style of someone like Jeff Garlin with, I shit you not, prop comedy, and it totally works. He walked the crowd through an entire game of Scrabble with visual aides, and it freaking killed. (Just so you know, the word "penissockser" is allowed in Scrabble and refers to someone who manufactures penissocks.) A bit where he plays random songs off his iTunes and then invents fake movie dialogue to go on top of them is like the stand-up comedy version of a YouTube meme. The less said about the X-rated Smurf drawings the better...

After the mad genius of Showalter, Michael Ian Black was much more traditional, observational stand-up. Funny, still very funny, but not really as exciting, I guess. Both he and Showalter seem to be inventing their acts as they go. All comedians try to master this sort of off-the-cuff delivery - you want to keep things fresh, even if you're reciting a joke you wrote a year ago - but Black really has it mastered. I'm certain plenty of this was canned material - I've never really seen his stand-up before tonight, so I have no way of knowing if he talks about Wisconsin's Taco Palace all the time - but it felt very conversational.

My friend Dave remarked afterwards that it felt very communal in the Ivar tonight. The audience and the comedians all seemed to relate to one another in a way. It was not very much like a typical comedy show, which is either in a big amphitheater filled with obnoxious assholes shouting out their favorite of the comedian's lines from TV or tiny, extremely hot, overpriced comedy clubs with obnoxious assholes who talk loudly throughout the set because they don't actually give a shit about comedy. Anyway, a good time was had by all.

Then, Dave and I went to the Cat and Fiddle and saw Joe Lo Truglio and Ken Marino from "The State" hanging out there. (Maybe meeting up with the Michaels after the 10:00 show?) It's cool to think that all those guys (and that one girl) still get along. Could a reunion be in the offing?

Stupid, Full of Shit and Fucking Nuts

There's an old George Carlin routine about realizing, mid-conversation, that you're speaking with some clueless asshole that's not worth your time.

"You'll be talking with someone and suddenly you'll go, 'This guy...is fucking stupid!' Other times, they're not stupid. You're thinking, 'Well, he makes some interesting points, perhaps...OH, he's full of shit!' Then, occasionally, you're listening to someone, they're not stupid, they're not full of shit...they're fucking nuts!. Dan Quayle is all three, stupid, full of shit AND fucking nuts."

That's kind of how I feel after watching this Mitt Romney ad. He's been campaigning for a while now, and at first, I was just thinking "this guy is fucking stupid." I think this about pretty much all Republican politicians who aren't blatantly, openly evil - they must simply be stupid.

Then, it became clear Romney was the worst, most flagrant sort of political opportunist, latching himself on to any position based on his current reading of its acceptability, beholden only to polls and financiers. Also, he's quite obviously a liar, and not in the general way of most politicians. All politicians will tell you one thing and then vote another way. That's how the game is played. But Romney buys into all of the leading, most significant lies of our time. The ones about how we need to torture people and suspend habeas corpus and read everyone's e-mail and stare at their naked bodies under x-ray in exchange for the privilege of boarding a domestic flight in order to keep America safe.

Now, he debuts this TV ad, and I'm realizing that he's stupid, he's full of shit and he's fucking nuts.



Scary. This fringe whackjob wants to be president and he's ranting on national television about the impending Caliphate.

Seriously. He's afraid of radical Muslims declaring dominion over the entire world. Did I sleep through some sort of interruption of the space-time continuum? Are we holding this election in the Middle Ages? Because, last I checked, the Moors had left Spain and The Crusades were fodder for Ridley Scott action movies and the Ottoman Empire had collapsed.

I mean, this would be funny if this guy weren't dominating the news by running for the highest office in the land. His stature as a leading candidate, even though he has no chance of winning, allows him to interject these noxious, sub-moronic ideas into the debate. It's just horrifying that anyone might actually take Romney seriously about any of these issues. He's making absolutely no sense in this commercial whatsoever; it's so disconnected from reality, he may as well be discussing a trade dispute between Gondor, Hyrule and Narnia.

Here's how it starts. Mitt ambling towards the camera:

"It's this century's nightmare..."

Snakes on a plane?

"Jihadism!"

For some reason, I picture that word streaking across the screen in a 1980's movie poster, in one of those "bloody" fonts.



"Only Mitt Romney can save you from the spine-tingling terror of 'Jihadism!,' a film so horrifying it gave Dick Cheney a four-hour erection. A nurse and a member of the Heritage Foundation are on-call in the lobby in case anyone can't deal with the surreal, mind-bending horror of 'Jihadism.' Three bearded men, their minds twisted by a delusional and baseless hatred of goodness and decency, concoct a plan so vile, so far beyond the boundaries of civilized society, it could only be called 'Jihadism'! No mercy for the unbelievers. Now playing at the Marina Fourplex."

Back to Romney:

"Violent Radical Islamic Fundamentalism."

Oh, yes, VRIF. Gotcha.

"Their goal is to unite the world under a single jihadist caliphate. To do that, they must collapse freedom-loving nations. Like us."

Hang on...hang on...hang on...Who is "they"? All citizens of the Middle East? Arabs around the world? Al Qaeda? The Iraqi al Qaeda that has nothing to do with the Osama bin Laden group? Iran?

Cause, I mean, maybe that's al Qaeda's goal (a big maybe...), but if so, it's not gonna happen any time soon. This seems to be a major stumbling block for the Republican Party. You don't fight your enemy based on what he or she wants to do. You determine what they can do and then base your strategy on that.

When we fought WWII, we didn't start planning for an assault by flying atomic robot Nazi supermen. We figured out the Axis' strengths and weaknesses and then tried to exploit that information. Romney seems to suggest here that we begin with determining the group's highest, loftiest, most distant ambitions and then begin fighting those, ignoring what's actually happening now, at this moment. It's...insane.

And don't ever refer to me as "us," Mitt Romney. I don't want to be in any group that includes you.

Then he says he's going to increase our military by 100,000 without explaining how he's going to do this. America is not a game of "Civilization," motherfucker. You don't push a button and auto-conscript 100,000 citizens. Are we talking a draft here? Taxes to pay for more soldiers? I mean, shouldn't he have to give us something?

"...and monitor the calls al Qaeda makes into America."

Just...that the Republicans have made spying on Americans a central part of their platform...that makes me really depressed. It means their market research indicates a lot of Americans not only don't have a problem with the government tapping their phones. They think it's a good idea. They're that afraid of brown people. That just sucks.

Then, again, he says that we will stop Iran from getting nukes. Again, he doesn't say how we will do this. But we will. Trust me. Dude...seriously...we will. Even if we have to quadruple Guantanamo.

Fans

For whatever reason, I've never been all that into Kings of Leon. They're okay. I don't dislike the band. But I'd only heard a few songs, and they never made any sort of lasting impression. So I'd just never bothered to really give them a decent.

But this song, "Fans," from their latest, "Because of the Times," totally floored me today.



So, two questions from anyone reading who's in the know...Have Kings of Leon always been this good? And if so, what album should I check out?

Widow City

Two days, two ridiculously great new CD's. 2007 has already been a terrific year for new music - Panda Bear, Bat for Lashes, Patrick Wolf, White Rabbits, and even a few bands that aren't named for animals.

Yesterday, I raved about the new Radiohead (despite the complaints of high-strung audiophiles everywhere). Today, I'm on the new Fiery Furnaces, Widow City. It rules. I'm a huge fan of this band - who put on one of the best live shows I've seen, maybe ever, a few years ago at the Echo - but their last two albums have been really frustrating.

2005's Rehearsing My Choir could have been great, but the frankly bizarre idea of having the brother-and-sister duo's grandmother speak-sing over all of the songs just ruined the experience. Honestly, this was kind of interesting the first time I listened to it, but the thing has absolutely zero re-listen value. I'm rarely in the kind of mood where I feel like listening to someone's grandmother blather over a 70 minute rock album. Listen for yourself:



I'm all for experimentation, but come on...that's just not going to work for the entire length of a CD. It's certainly not very musical...

2006's Bitter Tea was somewhat improved, but again, a single wacky decision prevented me from ever wanting to actually listen to the thing. Eleanor and Matt decided to loop much of the music and vocals backwards, and to fill up every spare inch of space in each of the songs with loud, overwhelming synths. It's just way way way too much, and only a few songs (like "Police Sweater Blood Vow" and "Benton Harbor Blues") come out unscathed.

Widow City sounds like a total return to form, like a slightly more reigned-in Blueberry Boat. It's the Furnaces' least cutesy CD to date, I think, ditching a lot of the playful ditties for more grungy, robust guitar rock. It still sounds definitely like the Fiery Furnaces, and is thus extremely weird, but more approachable and immediate than anything they've done since their debut, Gallowbird's Bark.

Here's a sample...

In Rainbows

I'm loving this new Radiohead album. The music's great, of course. That's pretty much a given. Pablo Honey aside (hey, it was their debut!), every Radiohead album's been stellar (though I'm still don't feel enamored of Hail to the Thief the way I should).

But I just admire the band setting this kind of an example for their industry. Thom Yorke & Co. have mouthed off for years about the evils of massive international media conglomerates. (I have a bootleg concert in which each song is snidely introduced by Thom with corporate sponsorships. "This next song is brought to you by the good people of AT&T and the Walt Disney Corporation...")

But being such an epically-huge, massively popular band (Kid A debuted at #1 in the US! Think about that! Kid fucking A. Is that the strangest record to debut at #1 in America in my lifetime?), Radiohead's had no choice but to work in tandem with some of these very corporations they've spent years fearing and despising via rock music. Now, finally, technology has allowed them to side-step the entire system and bring the songs to the fans with maximum ease and convenience.

I have no idea if this project will work. After all, it's theoretically possible to pay about $1 in transaction fees (.45 pounds, to be exact) and download the album. I'm sure many, many individuals would make that choice. I paid 4 pounds, and happily, because I want to see Radiohead succeed and inspire more bands to release albums this way. (Nine Inch Nails and Madonna, of course, will both attempt similar feats for their next album.)

Also, I just really appreciate the level of respect for their audience this move demonstrates. Not only trusting people to pay them for their work when it could be obtained, legally, for free, but actually delivering a complete, kickass album. I can see other bands, even major labels, pulling this kind of stunt for an EP or a live album or some kind of B-side/oddities collection...but 10 songs of this caliber?



These are great songs. Every Radiohead album has that one brooding, mellow, creepy, near-perfect song that gets in my head and never leaves. The Bends: "Street Spirit (Fade Out)." On OK, it was "Exit Music (for a Film)." On Kid A, "How to Disappear Completely." On Amnesiac, "Like Spinning Plates." Hail to the Thief doesn't really have a song that fits ideally in this category ("I Will" is close, but I don't like it as much as those other ones.) In Rainbows' "Nude" alone, a variation on live Radiohead staple "Big Ideas (Don't Get Any)," is worth way more than 4 pounds (which hopefully comes to about $8.50, unless I got my conversion rates screwed up...)

Michael Clayton

Everything about Michael Clayton is as boring as that title. I guess all the really good, generic legal thriller names - Witness for the Prosecution, Class Action, The Firm, Wetness for the Prosecution - were already taken. (As was Good Time Slim, Uncle Doobie and the Great San Francisco Freakout.)

Jason Bourne Trilogy screenwriter Tony Gilroy's directorial debut would have to do a trailer full of meth just to be considered somnambulant - it's dirge-like from the first moment to the last. This is a standard-issue, by-the-numbers bit of Hollywood lawyerism masquerading as a radical Statement of Principles, like an early version of the Port Huron Statement drafted by John Grisham. It's just...odd. And did I mention, boring?

I'm reminded in many ways of Fernando Meirelles' overblown spy vehicle The Constant Gardener, though at least that film had a pulse. Obvious observations ("Corporations are greedy!") pass for probing insight, trite cliches pass by unquestioned, and even the basics of the narrative are eventually discarded in favor of overwrought platitudes. I mean, seriously, I know the film wants to make some kind of an actual, relevant point, but does this necessarily mean that the plotting must be so half-assed and haphazard? Some of the events in the final third of Michael Clayton just make no sense, which would hurt the film even if it actually had something to say.



The titular Clayton, played by George Clooney at his square-jawed blankest, is a "fixer" for a large, respected Manhattan law firm. The details are not spelled out, but he seems to largely deal in problems clients would prefer to keep entirely outside of the legal system - hit and run accidents, mistress troubles, that sort of thing.

One of Clayton's close friends, actual lawyer Arthur Edens (Tom Wilkinson), suffers what looks like some kind of mental break in the midst of a deposition. While defending Agro-conglomerate U/North against an ongoing $3 billion class action suit, he interrupts sworn testimony, undresses and professes his undying devotion to the plaintiff, a young farm girl.

In the course of "cleaning up" Edens' collapse, by special request of partner Marty Bach (Sydney Pollack, reprising his charming Society sleazeball character from Eyes Wide Shut), Michael ends up with some information that could bring down a whole lot of trouble on U/North. So the company's head legal counsel, Karen Crowder (Tilda Swinton), sends a couple of goons to keep and eye on him.

If Clayton were a brash Southern attorney rather than a Yankee legal burnout, Grisham could sue Gilroy and win. The film doesn't just echo, occasionally, J.G.'s trademark style, it seems to intentionally ape his sensibilities at every single goddamn turn. The very basics of the plot itself - the put-upon farm family suffering the consequences of corporate greed, the blasé seen-it-all corporate cog suddenly growing a conscience, the shrill harpy female executive with bigger balls than all the guys in the room...there's nothing new to see here, folks.

What's surprising is the ego on display, the sense that this movie is groundbreaking, goddammit, even if it's working directly out of Joel Schumacher's mid-'90s playbook. There's minimal-to-no flourish, even though it's theoretically a thriller about a lawyer on the run from all manner of suspicious, lethal characters. Gilroy's direction is stately throughout. Colors are washed out and cold. It's like he wants us to be bored, like he's testing our resolve. There's something deeply wrong, almost comically incorrect, about a movie this familiar with such a pretentious tone.

The film opens with its best-written scene - Wilkinson' s Arthur reciting a monologue in voice-over. He's leaving a message on Michael's answering machine. At first, it sounds like some kind of an insane rant punctuated by overly-obvious, somewhat theatrical symbolism - an anecdote in which he's crossing the street and is suddenly overcome with the feeling of being coated in amniotic fluid, then feces. As the story progresses, a theme emerges from the yammerings - Arthur feels as if he has wasted his life, selling his time to corporate villains, and now the stench of their misdeeds has tainted him forever.

Gilroy's film seems to sympathize with these sentiments (who wouldn't?) and, in many ways, Michael's journey throughout the rest of the film mirrors Arthur's in these opening moments. And yet, the portrayal of Arthur as either a man-child or a delusional crazy person, depending on the scene, makes it impossible to relate to the character on an intellectual level. (We're repeatedly told throughout the film that Arthur Edens is a brilliant man - a genius - and yet, every time he's on screen, he's babbling incoherently or grinning like an idiot.

Wilkinson seems to be drawing inspiration from Peter Finch's classic performance from Network as the lunatic newsman Howard Beale, but Beale was really a mad prophet who blurted out harsh truths. Edens is just a simpleton, enthralled by young adult fantasy novels, prone to gabbing on the phone while lying in the fetal position and passionately in love with a Midwestern adolescent whom he hardly knows. Gilroy thus robs this early, fevered monologue - as I said, the best part of the whole film - of any sort of genuine impact. These words become merely the rantings of a deranged mind.

It's a stumble, one of many. (An elongated and utterly pointless subplot about Michael's strained relationship with his alcoholic brother was another). I know it's Gilroy's first movie as a director, so perhaps I should cut him some slack, but honestly, the posturing of this movie really got on my nerves. There's nothing wrong with making a bold, strident first movie, of announcing one's arrival as a major filmmaker. But doing so when working with such warmed-over, drab and uninteresting material, giving a genre exercise such a drab and lifeless demeanor, isn't doing your audience or your reputation any favors.

Enough Already...

I'll vote for him in November if that's what it comes down to, but I've got to tell you...I'm really getting annoyed with Barack Obama. At this point, I may dislike him more than I dislike Hillary.

White House hopeful Barack Obama stood in front of a pulpit Sunday and told worshippers that his faith "plays every role" in his life.

"It's what keeps me grounded. It's what keeps my eyes set on the greatest of heights," Obama told members of the Redemption World Outreach Center, whose 4,200-seat sanctuary was mostly full.

Oh, cut me a break. Even though I'm aware that this sort of thing is just phony pandering and Obama clearly feels like he must express these kinds of mock-pious homilies when visiting churches, it still gets on my nerves.

As a sentiment, it just doesn't make sense. Faith plays every role in his life? Every single one? Faith is his bathroom attendant? Faith provides him with the occasional orgasm? Faith bakes his morning bran muffins?

I mean, it isn't sufficiently sanctimonious to just say that faith plays a role in your life? You now have to claim that it dominates your every thought and action, that your single-minded obsession with all things godly rivals Ahab's devotion to catching the White Whale and far outdistances Jim Carrey's fixation on the number 23? Really?

Will they just keep one-upping one another in ecstatic religious fervor forever, beyond even this point of absurdity? Candidates self-flagellating on the pulpit? Holding political rallies wherever the Virgin Mary has most recently been sighted in a tortilla? Urgently phoning WaPo scribes at 2 a.m. reporting strange, otherworldly visions in which unicorn-riding seraphim proclaim the divinely-inspired correctness of the flat tax?

Faith, he said, is "what propels me to do what I do and when I am down it's what lifts me up."

This just strikes me as fundamentally incorrect, a blatant misstatement about the American political system. A president should absolutely not be moved into action by his religion. That's what priests and pastors do. If you're a rabbi or a minister, yes, you should be motivated by your faith. Presidents need to act based on the best interests of the nation, the faithful and heathen parts alike.

I honestly don't know why this is so difficult to understand. It doesn't threaten religion at all. Why does the guy in charge of taxes, starting wars, treaties and solving large-scale problems have to believe in the same origin story as you? We don't expect the President to have the same opinions about the big summer movies (though I'm sure Bush was all about Transformers) or the best place for sushi in Kennebunkport.

The Democratic presidential candidate said God "is with us and he wants us to do the right thing," including breaking down the divisions between Democrats and Republicans and among religions.

When people work together, he said, there is "nothing that can stop us because that's God's intention."

What a wild coincidence! God and Barack Obama have the same political agenda!

Seriously, though, does he have no shame at all? This is James Dobson's exact schtick.

First, assume for no good reason that God agrees with you about everything, then go out and spread the word that you must be right because God approves of your plan. Repeat as necessary.

(Maybe God's a Libertarian! Or an Objectivist! Or even a Lyndon LaRouche fan! Perhaps she's Wicca! How the fuck do you know?)

His campaign is in the midst of what it calls "40 Days of Faith & Family" — an effort to introduce early voting South Carolina to how Obama's family life and faith have shaped his values.

In an interview with The Associated Press last week, Obama was asked about walking the line where politics and the pulpit meet.

"There are no set guidelines or play book. When I go to church, I go there to worship. I am perfectly content to sit and listen to the music and pray and listen to the sermon," Obama said after last weekend's church services.

Other times — such as this Sunday — Obama takes to the pulpit.

In those instances, he said, "my job is to try to draw a connection between the values that I express to the church and the challenges and issues that we face in politics. ... I don't think there's anything wrong with expressing faith in the public square and I think there's nothing wrong public servants expressing religiously rooted values."

Shameless, that's the only word for this kind of phony bullshit pandering. Just to clarify, I don't have any objection to politicians discussing the nature of their faith in the public square (though I think it's an obfuscating cop-out to use such talk as the centerpiece of a political campaign). I don't object to Obama saying that he's religious and that it's part of his life and part of what guides him in decision-making. But to come out and say that your faith guides everything you do at all times, and then to further claim God's political agenda as your own, essentially claiming to have received God's endorsement and seal of approval, is not only ridiculous but outright un-American.

No matter how we feel about God, I think almost all of us can agree that he's not a member of either American political party, that he doesn't really have a solid opinion about petty partisan squabbling and rhetoric that dominates our newspapers and Sunday TV shows. I mean...please...

Tell Them You Want Them to Wait...That's an Order...

I'd love to embed the execrable new abstinence PSA that my tax dollars are sponsoring (during football games, no less!) here on the blog, so you all could see what I'm about to discuss conveniently. But, alas, the geniuses at the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services have yet to discover this newfangledy technology called the YouTube what might allow them to disseminate their message of ignorance and Victorian sexual panic to the masses more speedily. So you'll have to go over to their website to watch it and then come back.

The ad features children addressing the camera as if they were speaking bluntly to their parents. "Talk to me about sex," they plead. "Otherwise, I'll learn everything from the Internet, which will likely result in a life-long diaper fetish."

It's a little weird, but there's nothing so horrifying about most of this content. The kids in the commercial are uniformly to young to be having sex...only a real creep would object to parents instructing an 8-year-old to reconsider before trying out his first Hot Karl. As Bob Saget might say 100,000 per hour without getting a single laugh, "That's just wrong!"

But the last little section of the commercial really rubbed me the wrong way, no pun intended. A disembodied but stern voices pipes up and instructs you to "Tell your children to wait until marriage to have sex."

Um...what? Why should I do that? I mean, I don't even have any children, but if I did, I think I'd be okay with them having pre-marital sex. I'm 28 years old and I've never been married. If I had taken this advice to heart as a young man, I'd pretty much be a Judd Apatow movie at this point.

Did we have some kind of vote making this society's Accepted Carnal Standard that I missed out on? Cause the last time I checked, the only people who made a moral commitment to abstaining completely until marriage were religious weirdos. Granted, I'm getting an inaccurate sample because I've spent my entire adult life in Los Angeles, but I'm not certain I've ever known any single, celibate individuals my own age, at least since high school. (And back then, celibacy amongst my peers was not so much a personal choice as an unfortunate state of affairs.)

That's not to say it's a bad choice. If no sex until marriage works for you...hey, best of luck. Seems kind of irresponsible to me, like making a major purchase without shopping around for the best deal first, but I try not to judge. But why is our government buying up air time with my money to peddle this notion?

It's a rhetorical question, of course...I know why...Because these bureaus have all been stocked by lifelong conservative fundie whackjobs and Bush cronies, and thus they no longer represent the majority of Americans, but a small sliver of extremely vocal crazy people who want to enforce their own narrow, theocratic agenda on the rest of us.

Still, all the blog posts and books and newspaper articles laying out exactly how this cabal took hold of and exercised power over every level of our national leadership doesn't prepare you for actually witnessing their handiwork on television. What a disgrace...

[Hat tip: Yglesias]

Viewer Voices

Hilarious segment from the Onion News Network.



[Found via Techcrunch]