BRAFFY NOMINATION TWO-FER!: WORST CRUSHED BY INERTIA COMMENTATOR AND WORST ROBOT ALIVE

This post took a lot longer than expected to prepare, hence the significant delay in Braffy nominations. Hopefully, we'll get back on schedule this week, as there's a long way to go until we've got all our nominees set. (Ann Coulter seems, at this point, a shoo-in for the finals).

By request, I have combed through the Crushed by Inertia archives for the past 12 months, searching for stupidity left in the comments sections. It's a credit to my readers that this was no easy task. I found that sometimes whole months would go by without anyone leaving a comment stupid enough to warrant a nomination. After an intensive search, however, I did find some real winners, including some particularly biting and nonsensical barbs projected at me that I had mercifully forgotten about over time.

Here are your nominees for Worst Crushed by Inertia Commentator:

Here's a rather silly and anonymous post from my review of Ring Two on August 20th, 2005:

ANONYMOUS #1

i personally think zombie/alien movies are worse... well alien ones are okay but zombies? no, there is really no decent zombie movie around... they're all the same... out to take over the world. some ghost movies are okay. yes, ring 2 was terrible, i agree, but there are some decent ones.

Um, yeah. What the hell are you talking about?

Here's a long-winded defense of our President from a guy with an exceptionally foreign name, written in the immediate aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. I had observed that Senor El Presidente was using the disaster as an opportunity to stage some self-serving press events with him standing in front of some helicopters.

SINJIN VON HOOK STRAATEN

What are all these helicopters and Coast Guard guys doing hanging out in a hangar with George?

If you had watched close enough on TV you shoulda seen some maintenance being done on the helicopters. Perhaps you should know helicopters need to be maintained, looked over, looked at very closely because they're not guaranteed to fly 90,000,000 miles without needing basic maintenance. All helicopters do. All aircraft needs maintenance. They don't take them into some mechanic's garage like you might with your car and then go back when it's done. No, they have their own mechanics to work on the aircraft themselves. And P.S. that was in Mississippi or Alabama. Not the same dudes working in New Orleans and there weren't the rooftop rescues in Mississippi or Alabama to occupy all their time in those two states. Two different situations for two different Coast Guard stations. They only work in their own areas even in this disaster. Gotta have working helicopters onhand at all times in case of other emergency in their own zone. Got it? Good :)

And by the fucking way, you're wrong about W. being a sociopath unable to symathize with other human beings for more than 5 minutes. Seriously, dude, where the fuck did you get that impression of him? You couldn't be more damn wrong.

Bush ain't to blame for people dying in the streets in New Orleans. The city and the state FAILED in having a proper plan together. Okay, even if they did have one this disaster is bigger than anyone expected. Still, the city and state are to blame for what's gone wrong. Idiot LA governor musta been sitting on her ass for a couple days before getting troops in from outside her state. Bush just can't send them in without first being asked. And getting them in doesn't just happen overnight on a large scale and no it ain't 'cause many are in Iraq. We have enough around this country to take care of New Orleans... but they aren't sitting around waiting all ready to go at a moments notice. They gotta assemble and pack and go and when they get to an area do they know their way around? Hmm, do you know your way around Madison, Wisconsin or Bangor, Maine? They gotta coordinate with people on the ground when they get there so they can be lead to the right places. And with lack of good working radios things weren't going so smoothly.

So you see, bub, it ain't as easy as calling for a pizza. There was no plan by the black democrat mayor to pre-evacuate citizens nor was there a plan by the city or the state to take care of people in the event of a flooded city. Bush's fault? No. If anyone else is to blame it's the head of FEMA who musta been twiddling his thumbs for a day or two, also. Lack of planning killed people and Bush had no part in that nor did he have any part in delaying aid efforts or in not speeding them up enough. People below him to the Mayor of N.O. shoulda been gettin' on the horse but they stumbled.

A good way to ensure yourself a nomination next year? Call me "bub" and get every single one of your facts wrong.

This next comment is probably the meanest thing anyone has ever said to me via the CyberWeb. I don't know who this guy is, as he doesn't have a link to his blog and leaves only the name "Jeffrey Welles." There is an online critic with that name, this guy, but he spells his last name with only one "e" and comes across as more even-tempered. And this dude has never come back and commented on the blog again since this unfortunate incident. I'd really like to smack him one.

Not because he's making fun of me or calling me a bad writer or any of that. People do that on here all the time. It's the implication that, because I work in a store instead of an office or something more "respectable," I'm somehow pathetic or sub-human. Because, of course, we are all defined by how much we're worth and what type of building we spend 8 hours a day inside. What a cobag.

The strangest part? This rant comes at the end of a blog post about the new Superman movie coming soon to theaters. What could have set him off like this? Test results come back positive? Some sort of post-traumatic stress?

JEFFREY WELLES

One word to sum up your blog and life, as you speak your mind, to an invisible crowd, is Pathetic. Maybe working at a video store for the rest of your life is an acheivement, maybe it isnt so you think writing can earn you the respect you been needing, but after reading a couple of stuff you have written, I realize, you have nothing good or anything of calibre to even give what you write any sort of appreciation. I realize you have failed, and what you write is a beleif to signify that idea. Your a bad critic, but than again you dont even deserve the title of being a critic, after reading your reviews and your comments on movies, you are nothing but another moviegoer fanboy/girl who thinks for themselves, what you like is the best, if you dislike it, everybody who likes it is completely wrong. My best suggestion for you is to read highly qualified critics, maybe you can have more respect for movies. Just because you seen a certain old movie or a foreign movie doesnt mean you know movies. As you have stated, CRASH is horrible, but than again, it will indeed have nominations this oscar season, and I hate to let you know, but you have nothing going in your life, to come close to what Paul haggis or any writer director producer you dislike have acheived, when they ask you what you do, you say proudly to them that you work at a video store, and recommend them a movie you love, just to feel better about yourself, it helps you get through the day, change your name ,its horrible, find a new career, outside the internet, these things are bad for you.

This next one perfectly replicates the style of probably 90% of the contemporary American political conversation. In one sentence, an anonymous respondant implies that, because I am to the left of him or her on an issue, that I am (1) inconsequential, (2) stupid and (3) juvenile. And what horrible liberal policy was I defending that raised this anonymous person's ire? The notion that it's wrong to discriminate against people on the basis of their religion.

ANONYMOUS #2

blah, blah, blah...typical liberal rant. Think for yourself instead of watching too much TV and grow up. Read some history books or something.

I've read a few history books. (It was my major in college.) How a few evenings curled up with some Howard Zinn is supposed to make me sympathetic to theocrats, however, lies beyond my capacity for deductive reasoning.

I love this next comment. This next comment tells you everything you need to know about nerd culture. Here's Eric complaining that, in my review of Veronica Mars, I unfairly labeled his favorite show, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (hereafter BTVS) as a "cult hit."

ERIC

I know everyone has a right to their own opinion, but don't label something that's fairly popular like BTVS into "cultish" territory. BTVS was popular for years and got solid ratings for years until the quality fell off. Then it fell into the area of a "cult" show where only the most hardcore viewers stayed. I was a huge fan of BTVS and I could barely get through the last season when I rented it. I get mad when people dismiss it as a "cult" show like Star Trek or Dark Angel when its so much more than that.

I bet you never really even watched it that much and if you did it was probably in the later years when it was a shell of its former self. Otherwise you wouldn't be slamming a show that's very similar in style and quality to VM, which is a show that you said that you liked. Rent the 1st and 3rd seasons and then come to me with a better excuse as to why you don't like the show. It has more layers of depth then just about anything that's ever been on tv. If anything VM is a show for "odd obsesive dorks" because almost no one watches it.

Did you hear that, everyone? Buffy has more layers of depth than just about anything that's ever been on TV! So sayeth Lord Erich von Fartlunch, Duke of Dorkery!

This next bit of Anonymous wankery attempts to prove the existance of God to yours truly. It might have worked too, if only they could have come up with some sort of divinely designed yet commonplace object to use as a visual aid...Perhaps something that's tapered at the end for easy insertion...

ANONYMOUS #3

You bring some interesting points on the so-called non-existence of God. However, your ideas are truly "crushed by inertia." They are crushed by the weight of your inaccurate information and misinterpretation of that inaccurate information.

First you denounce God via the prototypical stereotypes of God and the various affiliatated constructs that have promoted the notion of God. This is not intelligent. Your statements are based on stereotyped assumptions, not facts. The facts clearly show that the interpretation of the word 'God' is as varied and numerous as there are people.

Second, you claim that supposedly devout scientists 'compartmentalize' 'God' and/or religion, just as they do their occuptions as scientists. This is again an unintelligent false assumption and, again, has absolutely no basis in fact. In fact, the opposite is true; most scientists see, within their various scientific discoveries, the wonderous nature of Creation, its perfection, and most of all; its order and direction to a single point of origen. But of course one would have to either be extremely up-to-date in the world of science, or actually be a scientist to really appreciate this fact (or just be intelligent).

Here are a few science quotes that you should ponder over:

"I am convinced that He (God) does not play dice."

"God is subtle but he is not malicious."

"God does not care about our mathematical difficulties. He integrates empirically."

"Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind."

"My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind."

"Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods."

Of course, it was Albert Einstein who said those words.

The Gods are laughing hard at the shipwreck, crushed by its own mental inertia.

Please, do your homework, and open your mind. Your 'Gabbin' is potentially insulting.

Ah, yes, Einstein quotes. The last refuge of the scoundrel...after patriotism. Thomas Jefferson said that. See! I beat you at your own quotation game!

I love how she wants me to "do my homework" because I admitted to a lack of faith in God. I should do my God Belief homework? Does that involve whipping myself with a Cat o' Nine Tails a la the Da Vinci Code albino? Ten Hail Marys and four Our Fathers? Memorizing 1st Corinthians? Cause I already studied for my Bar Mitzvah, and I took a few Religious Studies classes as an undergrad, so I think I'm doing alright, Scripture-wise.

This commentor has a way of using too many words in a sentence, often making her phrasing less precise than it would be if he or she just left some excess qualifiers out. Take that last sentence..."Your Gabbin' is potentially insulting." (The post was called "Gabbin' Bout God," a reference to Reverend Lovejoy's radio show on "The Simpsons" that, of course, went over this person's head.)

Potentially insulting? Anything is potentially insulting. Imagine the following scenario:

ME: Hey, you want a popsicle.
YOU: No, I hate popsicles.
ME: My grandfather invented the popsicle, you asshole!

Okay, I realize that's a bad example. We all know the popsicle was invented in the late 17th Century by Sir Gerald Freezertreat, the Earl of Popsicle. But you get the idea...

Another post dissing some beloved genre title, in this case Kurt Wimmer's underwhelming Equilibrium, brought on another outburst by the Geek set. In this case, elementsunknown lets me have it for...I'm not sure, really...something about Christian Bale murdering puppies or almost murdering puppies and then not going through with it.

ELEMENTSUNKNOWN

Christian Bale never killed any puppies in Equilibrium! His later defense of a puppy played a crucial role in his emotional evolution and subsequent rebellion against the government which he served. I find it hard to believe that you can "love" a movie and not be familiar with it's basic plot! Apparently you lot of "mental giants" like to throw around your much touted critiqus of films while lacking the basic memory of said films. By the way, what was the last film you wrote or directed? Your credibility and IQ is in serious question to say the least.

I don't know where he got the idea that I "love" that movie. I downright loathe it. And I don't know why the phrase "mental giants" appears inside quotation marks. I didn't use the phrase. Also, I don't get how anyone over the age of 14 can seriously enjoy Equilibrium. Seriously, that thing's fucktarded. I mean, think about it...If the government needs everyone to take this emotion-suppressing drug every day, why don't they make it addictive? Otherwise, people would choose to skip a dose all the time, just to see what happens.

This next post had two different nomination-worthy comments. One was by our resident Crushed by Inertia troll, my friend Steve C., who issued forth his typically vitriolic bile towards me and my choice of lifestyle:

Hi, I'm Lons, I'm thirty and work in a fancy video store. I like to put down others because it makes me feel better about myself. Later, I think I'll go rob a little old lady and then steal from the blind guy's collection plate.

I'm not nominating him, however, because in order to be eligible, comments must be sincere and non-ironic in nature. Sarcasm, as you all know, is always welcome here. So instead, the nomination for this post goes to hehs a few comments later:

HEHS

wow.. dunno how everyone can have the stamina to read ur long posts.. *ok.. fine... delete this comment..*

Yes, Hehs, getting through those 500-700 words can be daunting. I'm like the Tour de France of Blogging...More an endurance challenge than a pleasant ride in the country, if you get my meaning. Be sure to plenty of fluids and get a good night's sleep beforehand.

So, yes, Hehs was feeling negative, but he only left one disparaging comment. Perhaps no reader has been more vocal about our political disagreements than RH. Most of his comments are, if a bit hostile, well-phrased and difficult to make fun of in a condenced format like this one. But his thoughts on the immigration issue certainly qualify:

RH

Did you ever notice how, like, when things are bad for any country, anywhere, at any time in history, the news has deflected from the problem, like, since the concept of "news" first came into existence?

Also, have you noticed that none of the students involved in these protests can actually vote? And chances are pretty good that their parents (illegal or not) don't vote either. Maybe that's why politicians do not and will not care about their cause. Go back to school and stop blocking traffic, retards. (O wait, I guess they already did, because, um, it rained.)

What a sweetheart. "Thanks to age and race-based voting restrictions, I can continue treating Mexicans like second-class citizens! Hooray! Now, get out of the way, retards!"

Well, there you have it, folks. All the names in bold are your nominees for Worst Crushed By Inertia Commentator. Have at it.

Oh, yeah, and as a special bonus nomination, your reward for reading through this elongated and much delayed post, here are the six nominees for Worst Robot Alive, sans commentary for maximum convenience and efficiency.

THE GUNSLINGER



BENDER BENDING RODRIGUEZ



ED-209



JOHNNY FIVE



MECHAGODZILLA



THE T-1000



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