Rushin' Around the World With Rush - A New Blog Series

PART 1:

The Dominican Republic on 20 Boner Pills a Day



Hello, friends. America's favorite broadcaster Rushford Tiberius Limbaugh here. You know, I so rarely get to delve into my many passions beyond the world of politics on my wildly popular radio show. Oh, sure, you all know how much I hate liberals, Ivy League intellectuals and the Clintons. But did you know about my passion for Chinese Checkers? My deep and abiding appreciation for the cinematic masterworks "Savage" Steve Holland? My love of anal play? The crippling physical and spiritual pain that forces me to injest a quite frankly inhuman amount of prescription medication each day?

I suspect not. So hopefully, this first in a series of travel columns will allow my loving audience to get to know me, the real Rush, just a bit better.

There have been some baseless accusations levelled at me in the past few days. A typical liberal smear job. Some have even intimated there may be untoward, dark purposes behind my perfectly innocent vacation in the country affectionately known as DR. Let me assure you all, nothing could be further from the truth! Sure, the Dominican Republic may be famed around the world as a haven for sex tourism. Yes, many men in the Western Hemisphere who feel that Thailand is too far to travel to fuck whores instead vacation in the Carribean. But I went because I love nothing more than to experience exotic foreign cultures. After all, you can't bomb people you don't understand.

I have a little pet theory about this entire incident, by the way. I think it was actually the dastardly work of a man who has been shadowing me for years. My doppelganger, you might even say. One Mr. Birch Barlow. Here's a recent file photo:



Ladies and gentlemen, I suggest to you that this man, Birchibald T. Barlow, is a menace. He forced my maid to obtain mass quantities of prescription pills for him because he's a pillhead. Also, he says a lot of very stupid things on television and on my radio show. Given our remarkably similar appearance and voice, I can understand some of the confusion. Still, constantly being blamed for the anti-social escapades of this cartoon character has eroded my patience.

Mr. Barlow may very well visit the Carribean with only illicit, raw carnality in mind, but some of us enjoy touring the many historic churches, open-air markets and brothels dungeons massage parlors donkey shows cockfights...okay, give me a second here...Um, jungles? They've got jungles, right?

Beyond just the usual tourist sites, when traveling around new places, I like to get a feel for the local culture by just hanging around the city center and seeing who I can meet and what stories they have to share. For example, I was talking to this surprisingly feminine 13 year old nude boy in Santa Domingo the other day, and he told me that he walks nearly 2 hours each way just to get to the dimly-lit room containing only a soiled cot where he works! Fascinating! I could have spent hours with that kid.

Which brings me to my first Rushin' Around with Rush Travel Tip!

TIP #1: Give Yourself Plenty of Time

There's nothing I hate more than having to hurry up and finish myself off quickly so I can move on to my next travel destination. I know I'm paying my tour guide to take me to all the finest, most disease-free locales, but sometimes I just feel like just staying where I am, maybe taking a break to watch something on Spectrovision or crushing up a few diet pills and snorting them so they'll kick in more quickly, before jetting off to my next pre-paid, hopefully sanitary adventure.

Even if you get to enjoy a few less of the "local attractions," it's all about getting in some real quality time, so you can really get down to business. Smart planning ahead can make all your dreams come true and still give you time to refresh and pop a few more Viagra.

Which brings me to my Second Travel Tip!

TIP #2: Always Plan Ahead

Let's say, just hypothetically, that you are an unattractive, overweight, deaf, largely reviled radio personality with a well-known history of chronic pill addiction and an unfortunate case of impotency. If you were going to go on a sex tour of the Dominican Republic, you'd want to have a lot of Viagra along for the trip. Likewise, it would be a good idea, hypothetically, to have your doctor put his name on the bottle. To spare you the embarrassment of getting a prescription filled for boner pills.

Also, you should probably not get caught bringing the prescription bottle back into the country if your name's not actually on that. Customs kind of has a problem with that. Particularly, and I'm just throwing this out there, if you're already on probation for an unrelated drug offense.

Which brings me to my final Travel Tip!

TIP #3: If You Go to the Cantina Sucia Caliente del Sexo in San Juan, Tell Them Rush Sent You For 20 Dominican Pesos Off

Wait, I mean Birch...Tell them Birch sent you. I was just there to enjoy the delicious local coffees and teas.