A Very CDC Valentine's Day

While working on that previous article about the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) warning people against Luther Burgers (bacon cheeseburgers served on a Krispy Kreme bun, a favorite of trailer-bound shut-ins throughout the Great State of Georgia), I happened upon the CDC website. It's pretty boring, really. You'd think a website dedicated to public health would have goofy shit on it, like instructions for putting on a condom or interesting statistics about amputees or something. But it's just your basic bullshit about eating healthy and not taking a dump too close to your campsite. (I'm just kidding...you should take a dump as close to your campsite as possible).

Here's the one funny item I found: the CDC's instructions for having a safe and happy Valentine's Day.

I don't celebrate Valentine's Day myself, as I lack the basic materials. Those being a girlfriend, money and Keith Sweat CD's. Come to think of it, I don't own any make-out music at all. The last time I had a girl over and needed some background tunes (and I'll admit it's been a while), I think I had to put on "Loveless" by My Bloody Valentine. Which isn't romantic at all, but does have the word Valentine right there in the title.

And the movie that was playing in the background the first time I kissed a girl? Walt Disney's Aladdin. But now we're getting into adolescent trauma utterly unconnected to the topic at hand. I'll save this stuff for an awkward coming-of-age memoir released under a psudonym or something.

So, without further ado, here are some of my favorite CDC-sponsored tips for enjoying your February 14th in style and comfort:

Be active.
Include some physical activity in your celebration plans. For example, take a walk, go dancing, or garden.

There's nothing wrong with this advice, exactly, though telling your Valentine's Day date that she could use some exercize probably isn't the best way to go about things. I object to the use of "garden" as a verb. That's just obnoxious. Something rich old white ladies would say. "What did you do today?" "Oh, nothing much. I gardened, then I bathroomed and then I was feeling tired, so I bedroomed for a bit." You say "I did some gardening." How hard is that?

Be prepared for that romantic getaway.
If you are going on a trip, be prepared. Are vaccinations required?

This year, give her what she really wants. A malaria innoculation.

Protect yourself.
Love is all around, and so are sexually transmitted diseases. The only 100% sure way to prevent sexually transmitted diseases and unintended pregnancy is by not having sex.

Am I crazy, folks, or is the American government fucking sexy? And, from the same tip:

Women are more likely to be victims of sexual violence than men. Of the rapes and sexual assaults reported in the 2002 National Crime Victimization Survey, 87% of the victims were women and 13% were men.

It's not appropriate to make fun of rape, so I don't intend to. But 13% of all rape victims are men? That's a bizarre statistic. Can that possibly be true? Is that all prison rape or is this something I should be living in fear about? Because I will, if I have to.

Be safe.
Are you considering doing something new and different, and potentially risky or unsafe? Think twice before putting yourself at risk for injury.

Um, thanks, CDC. That's helpful, and not at all vague. I'm so glad that I work all those long hours at the video store to fund your programs! "Are you doing something risky? Think twice! This message brought to you by the use of $50 million of your tax money."

Be sensitive to your loved one's needs.
Does your loved one have allergies, asthma, diabetes, or other health condition(s)? Are they on a diet? Find out if certain foods, flowers, pets, stuffed animals, or other items might affect your loved one’s health before you buy gifts, prepare food, or plan activities.

If you love someone, shouldn't you already know if they have diabetes? Or did you just think that was heroin they've been self-injecting every afternoon?

Watch the sparks.
You may decide to cook a romantic dinner, light some candles, or have a cozy fire in the fireplace for Valentine’s Day. Be watchful of anything that can potentially start an uncontrollable fire.

You know, "be watchful of anything that can potentially start an uncontrollable fire" is good advice even if it's not Valentine's Day. Also, I'd just like to throw in, you should be mindful of anything that can potentially cause severe bleeding from your eye sockets. Aren't you glad you read this site and got all these helpful tips?