There's Only One Man Who Would Dare Give Me the Raspberry...

The Golden Raspberry Awards honor the worst Hollywood films of the year, as judged by a bunch of weirdos who intentionally watch a lot of mainstream pap for no good reason. (This year's big winner was I Know Who Killed Me). It's interesting that they tend to focus on infamous flops (like Showgirls) or obviously terrible films for pre-adolescents (like one of this year's big nominees, Bratz). The Razzies aren't so much about films that are surprisingly terrible, where you actually go see it thinking it will be good. They basically poke fun at the shit that everyone already knows is shit, like Epic Movie and anything starring Paris Hilton. (Look for The Hottie and the Nottie to make a big splash at next year's show.)

I attended the festivities this morning in Santa Monica for Mahalo Daily, and let me tell you...I felt right at home in this crowd. There's a certain type of comedy event that draws exclusively dudes who look like me: overweight, balding bearded guys. When I went to see Tenacious D with my brother at the Wiltern, it was like getting lost in a sea of Lons. I felt like I had crawled inside my own John Malkovich portal. And again at the Razzies, I felt right at home. (A woman from Hong Kong TV actually came up and interviewed me, probably because I looked so much like I belonged there. She didn't even seem to care that I had a microphone and was hosting my own podcast at the time.) In Los Angeles, I'm so rarely able to disappear into a crowd. I saw a photo of me at a party not long ago, and it looked like some idiot had cast Dave Attel in a remake of The Breakfast Club. It's like attractive-fresh-faced-youngster, attractive-fresh-faced-youngster, attractive-fresh-faced-younger, middle-aged-methadone-addict-with-an-eating-disorder. One of these things is not like the other.

Anyway, back to the Razzies.

It's about an hour-long "ceremony" in which Razzie cast members (pretty much an improv comedy group) dramatically read reviews of shit-terrible movies and run clips from them, then announce random winners chosen by some online poll or something.

This year's Worst Picture nominees were Daddy Day Camp, I Know Who Killed Me, Norbit, Bratz: The Movie and I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. I think the biggest problem with the show from an entertainment standpoint is that these same movies are nominated in pretty much every category. (I Know Who Killed Me won an all-time record 7 Razzies, including Worst Picture). I mean, it makes sense in a way...If you think Daddy Day Camp is the worst movie of the year (and I haven't seen it, but you're most likely on the right track), it's probably because you think it had the worst screenplay and the worst performances.

But still...it starts to seem like a pile-on after a while. A full hour of grown adults complaining about Norbit feels like overkill. I'm sure it's bad, but what the hell did you expect? Why did you see Norbit in the first place? I see a lot of bad movies, but I knew enough to avoid Norbit.

After the actual ceremony, I did a brief interview with the creator of the Razzies (the HeadBerry, as he's called) John Wilson. He's a very nice guy who looks a lot like Roger Ebert with a beard, and because I get a bit brave and kind of stupid when there's a camera on, I made sure to mention that observation right of the bat, just to make sure I offended him immediately, in case he was going to give me an interesting interview or something. (He was actually very cool and took my abuse in stride).

I asked him about Halle Berry coming to accept her award personally for Catwoman a few years back, and I wish we could put the entire answer into the podcast. (There won't be time). The awards themselves may be about taking cheap shots at the same starlets Perez and TMZ pick on every day, but this guy obviously has a deep affection for schlock cinema, and I can of course respect that. I've seen Can't Stop the Music on more than one occasion. Projected theatrically. Once as part of a double feature with The Apple. And let me tell you, Lindsay Lohan's got nothin' on The Village People.


I'll post the Razziecast whenever we release it this week.

Artie Lange Death Watch

Wow...Artie Lange does not seem to being doing well. Check out his reaction when Conan asks him about his recent sick days from the "Howard Stern Show."



The best part of this clip is not even Artie's drug jokes, which only go over half the time. It's Conan's barely-concealed terror at having a guest who only wants to tell "the last time I did crystal meth" anecdotes. Somehow, I'm thinking this wasn't brought up at his pre-interview.

[Hat tip: Defamer]

It Could Have Been Me...

You can't quote FDR! That's totally my idea!

Barack Obama's been getting all the good press lately, and ScarJo has made a YouTube video praising him, but I still kind of thought Hillary Clinton would get the nomination for President until today.

No significant votes or delegate-related matters happened today. However, the Clinton campaign must have in its possession some truly ugly numbers regarding their candidate's prospects. That's the only way I can explain their line latest line of Obama attack , among the most intensely lame and desperate political arguments imaginable.

We shouldn't vote for Obama because he's a plagiarist!



Wow..."You can't quote FDR! That's totally my idea!"

It's possible Obama saw Deval Patrick's speech and responded to similar allegations in the same way, but I'd hardly go so far as to call this plagiarism. This is once again Clinton trying to play Karl Rove. Obama's giving all these big powerful oratories and energizing a lot of younger voters and it's giving him big last-minute surges in a lot of primaries, so she's trying to turn her weakness (inability to out-inspire Obama) in a strength ("well, at least my speeches are original!")

I think even Karl Rove might feel like this argument's a little thin. You can besmirch the military service of John Kerry because it happened decades ago and very few people actually witnessed it in person. We have videotape of Deval Patrick and Barack Obama and can decide for ourselves whether or not one of them stole a speech from the other.

Also, Deval Patrick is alive and well and saying stuff like this:

"Senator Obama and I are long-time friends and allies. We often share ideas about politics, policy and language. The argument in question, on the value of words in the public square, is one about which he and I have spoken frequently before. Given the recent attacks from Senator Clinton, I applaud him responding in just the way he did."

Oops.

So, the only thing I can conclude from the Clinton campaign's accusation of "plagiarism" is that they know a huge loss is imminent and are throwing up a Hail Mary, attacking their opponent any way they can and praying something will stick. Color me surprised.

Michael Bay Demonstrates Signs of Possessing Sense of Humor...Scientists Baffled...

If Michael Bay is funny, why is all the comedy in all his films so completely tone-deaf? Perhaps some assistant whom he trusts just informed him this was funny, much as a translator might discreetly inform his boss that the Premier of Slovakia has issued another one of his trademark bon mots and a twitter of amusement might be an appropriate reaction.

Either way, it made me laugh:



[Found via Best Week Ever]

Fear and Loathing in Hyrule

Maybe I need to start watching Boing Boing's podcast more often. This edition of 8-bit cinema combines Legend of Zelda, Rad Racer and Hunter S. Thompson. It's brilliant:

Senioritis?

Like sexism and racism, ageism can be pernicious. So I don't think his advanced age is a good enough reason to not vote for John McCain, even though he would be the oldest man we've ever elected to the presidency. If he was still sharp, and you felt he was the best man for the job, and he'd nominated a vice-president who you felt was competent enough to take over for him should he die in office, I don't see a problem.

However, when he starts saying this like this (from a CNN transcript today, found via Digby), it may be time for the GOP to start considering other options NOW. You really want to run a massive presidential campaign for a guy who forgets how public school works on national TV?

Also, I do not believe in mandates. I believe that every American should have affordable and available health care and I'd like to talk just an additional minute about that. But I'm not going to mandate that they do. I want every American to have affordable and available education. But I'm not going to mandate that they do.

But that's...actually exactly what we do with education. We mandate that you get it, at least until you're, what, 16? 17? I mean, you don't necessarily have to go to public school, but you have to do enroll in some kind of verifiable education process. We even have a word for people who avoid this process - truants.

This isn't just a slip of the tongue, mind you. He's using this example to argue against legally mandating health insurance. So are we to assume that his argument is based on a fallacy? Or that this isn't the real reason he opposes health care mandates, and he's simply using it to disguise some ulterior motive. Neither is attractive for a presidential candidate.