Letters Home from the War on Christmas

2005 will mark the third grim year in the ongoing and cataclysmic War on Christmas. But too often in the media reports, the personal stories of the soldiers fighting on the front lines are overlooked in favor of grim casualty tallies. So, as a public service, Crushed by Inertia will be presenting a series of personal letters sent home to the families of those serving in the struggle to save Christmas from the aggression of the Secular Progressives.

On November 29th, 2003, secular progressives laid seige to a manger scene outside of a public school in West New Northgatebridgewood, Connecticut. The noble men (and two women) of Bravo Company, U.S. Army were on-hand to defend Baby Jesus, the Three Wise Men and even a stuffed lamb and camel shipped in especially for the occasion.

After four days of bloody, chaotic battle, the secular progressives were driven back to a Winchell's parking lot two blocks away. The manger had been saved. Pvt. Corporal Christian Goodhearte wrote the following letter to his steady girlfriend, Emma Mae Sue Reba Downing.

Dearest Emma Mae Sue,

It has been a horrific week. We were victorious in salvaging most of the manger scene from the secularists, who only succeeded in burning most of the hay, stealing the robe off of Joseph (revealing his anatomically-incorrect pelvis region) and removing the better part of the thatched roof. But the Baby Jesus himself remains untouched.

In the battle, I lost some dear friends. Toby - I mentioned him...the one with the five kids who lived in that van behind the Pick N' Save - died of 63 puncture wounds when a secular progressive stabbed him with a shiv made from an oversized novelty dreidel.

Sarge says the Grinches are just people like us, and if we capture any we're to turn them over as Prisoners of War. But when I'm out there, fighting them off, and I see the lack of Christmas Spirit in their eyes...They look to me more like monsters than men.

I miss you dearly and can't wait for the day I can return to your loving arms. But there's still much work to be done if we're going to save Christmas.

Happy Holidays,
Christian

One of the most vicious and gruesome conflicts of the war occured early on, during the Battle of Rockefeller Center. An estimated 20,000 Secular Progressive troops descended on the skating rink and set fire to the Christmas Tree just days after the official lighting ceremony.

Lt. Paul Peter Pastor of the Merchant Marine witnessed the blitzkreig and wrote to his brother, Matthew, about the chaotic scene. Here is a brief excerpt from his stirring account:

I never thought I would see such a sight...Whole balls of tinsel set alight, sending a plume of blue-black smoke into the night sky. Steaming vats of eggnog dropping out into the crowd from crop dusters, causing third-degree burns in soldiers and innocent bystanders alike...

A man wearing novelty plastic antlers and mistletoe over his groin, shot four times in the belly, cries out for his mother as he bleeds to death in the street. With his last breath, he mouths the chorus to "Jingle Bell Rock."

Several progressives and rioters band together at the base of the tree, shaking it from its foundations. It topples to the ground, an dthey dance around it like madmen. The sound of 100,000 porcelain ornaments shattering in unison drives me to the brink of madness. I have seen the Death of Christmas, Matthew...Wassail will never taste as sweet again...

Finally, we present a perspective from the other side. Tobias Horowitz-Zanziger, noted theoretician, atheist and ketchup-packet collector writes to his occasional gay lover, Dirk Winchester, about the secular progressive plans for a post-Christmas America on the eve of the infamous O'Reilly Offensive. Two days later, Horowitz-Zanziger and an elite team of activists and mercenaries would be arrested after assassinating pro-Christmas propaganda minister Bill O'Reilly.

To My Sporadically Homosexual Lover Dirk -

My excitement is so great, I can hardly contain it. In just a few days, we shall exterminate Bill O'Reilly and finally bring Christmas to an end. I don't know exactly how we'd manage to actually eliminate Christmas, considering that it's celebrated by individuals and families outside of the control or view of the federal or local government...but killing O'Reilly's bound to do us some good, am I right?

And once it is done, then the real work can begin...The work of reorganizing the entire month of December, to reflect the goals of the secular progressive movement. Here are some thoughts I have had on the subject...

(1) Rename Christmas Day to Gay and Lesbian and Transgender Diversity Pride Day, a holiday where everyone can publicly celebrate who they are without fear of being judged by narrow-minded religious types. Specifically, gay people are encouraged to engage in sex acts with one another in churches, or on the lawns in front of suburban homes. And transexuals should go door to door explaining exactly how surgical procedures transformed their genders, using visual aides when neccessary.

(2) Rather than Christmas carols, everyone should be encouraged to learn and recite traditional Muslim, Buddhist or African chants, which don't have such an antiquated imperial colonialist background.

(3) As with Columbus several years ago, American children should be educated about how the mythological notion of "Jesus" clashes with the unfortunate historical reality. For example, by simply creating fish out of nowhere for people to eat, Jesus could have thrown off the fragile ecosystem of Nazareth's streams and wetlands. And physically attacking the money lenders inside of the temple? Is that the message to send children - that violence solves problems? Why not just give the money lenders a five minute Time Out until they learn their lesson?

(4) From now on, Hannukah is 16 nights instead of 8, and includes 3 3-day weekends to make up for lost time. But only Jews get these days off. Oh, and they don't have to go to temple or anything. Just relax.

(5) Fruit cakes, figgy pudding and gay apparel are outlawed. Gingerbread lattes can stay, though, because they are awesome.

That's all I can think of right now. I'll write when I have some more ideas.

Love,

Your Part-Time Same-Sex Co-Fornicator,

Tobias Beaumarche Horowitz-Zanziger