Kaye Grogan is a Genius

She wins for the best "War on Christmas" post to date. This entire article is unbelievably awesome and I'm going to have to insist you all stop whatever else you are doing and give it your full and complete attention.

Try as they might — the Christmas foes cannot suppress the true meaning or spirit of Christmas. It can't be seen, but it sure can be felt. Wait a minute . . . it can be seen too! Just look into the eyes of a child, and a homeless man who has just been fed a warm dinner, and a family who expected a dismal Christmas that just opened their door to donated boxes of Christmas goodies and gifts.

Okay, maybe I should explain before we keep going. This is from Renew America, some bullshit right-wing wankfest. The author is a woman from Virginia named Kaye Grogan, who has not sipped the Kool-Aid, but has taken a bath in a lagoon full of it, Augustus Gloop-style. Guys like Bill O'Reilly are just cynical self-serving pricks using this War on Christmas fiasco to sell books and get attention. But Grogan's clearly insane. She actually believes forces beyond her control - "Christmas foes" - are trying to outlaw Christianity and ban the holiday of Christmas.

I would also like to add that, at Laser Blazer, I get an opportunity to look in the eyes of many children. Here are some of the feelings expressed:

- I WANT THIS! BUY IT FOR ME!
- I have to go number one/two
- Can we go home?
- Oooohhh, look at that thing. I want to cram it in my mouth for no reason.
- BUY ME THIS THING RIGHT NOW! I WANT IT!

Two things I have not seen: a fervent desire of peace on earth, good will toward men.

While Christmas is much more than wrapped presents, gift giving when it is given in the true spirit is symbolic of the gifts the three Wise Men brought to Baby Jesus.

That's why, when I'm buying presents for young children, I always turn to myrrh. Nothing says "fuck you, kid, XBox 360's cost $400 and have nothing to do with the Christ child" like the gift of myrrh.

Why would anyone want to interfere with a celebration in a negative way that brings so much joy and hope to all mankind?

Okay, see, Kaye, here's your first massive, idiotic error. Christmas does not bring joy and hope to all mankind. It brings joy and hope to a section of mankind that happens to swallow your favored line of bullshit. Namely, that 2000-some-odd years ago, a baby was born in the desert and this is somehow relevant to the way we live now.

In Baghdad, there will not be much hope or joy this December 25th. Maybe among the American Marines stationed therein, but it will probably be a particularly sore day for them...A day of missing their families and regretting having to spend a cherished holiday in the desert fighting a pointless war.

I believe the anti-Christmas enemies have over stepped their boundary, and they are starting to feel the ire from Christmas lovers. But more important, the Christmas haters will soon realize that they are no-match for the Christmas spirit.

I demand to know where Kaye sees the evidence of this war. How is it that a journalist, even a "freelance journalist," can write an entire column without providing any factual basis for any arguments. This thing might as well be a novel. It's all based on other accounts she's read of other fictional rememberances of a supposed war on Christians that doesn't exist in the first place.

I'm telling you, honestly, right now...I hate Christmas. If there were going to be a war on Christmas, I would be among the first to be recruited. But, alas, I'm a soldier without an army. There is no force attacking Christmas, obviously. It's all in your head, Kaye. All in your head!

As stories of Christian persecution in other countries make it to the airways, right here in the United States efforts are underway to make quoting Bible scripture a hate crime and the ACLU Grinches are in the process of trying to steal Christmas. So, what gives this "godless" group and liberal judges the right to demand that Nativity Scenes be banned from public display, and children can't sing traditional Christmas Carols in school?

Man, there is just so much wrong with this perspective. So much...I'm overwhelmed. What to talk about first?

I guess my main point would be that it's absolutely pathetic Americans spend their time arguing about this pointless crap. Who cares what songs kids sing in school? Frankly, I don't care if they have to sing Christmas carols. I was a Jewish kid and I sang Christmas carols in school. Not only that, I actually performed in multiple productions of "A Christmas Carol," including a stint at the South Coast Reperatory Theater production, where I played the kid that Scrooge instructs to buy a fat goose on Christmas morning. These experiences did not warp me or brainwash me, although I do know all the words to "Deck the Halls," including those later verses that don't make a lot of sense and have an odd obsession with "figgy pudding."

BUT WHO GIVES A SHIT? This shit doesn't matter! If some parents don't want their kids to have to sing about Good King Wencelas, then their kids shouldn't have to! Why even take all this time teaching kids dumb seasonal songs? Have you seen some of these test scores? Teach them some fucking math, motherfucker! Try some U.S. History. I talk to grown people in the video store who can't identify what decade included America's association with the Vietnam War! Americans are getting dumber by the year, and you're all worried about whether the songs in their goddamn pageant concerns dreidels or mistletoe or...I don't know, some symbol of Kwanzaa...An African fucking...pattern. Or one of those masks, maybe.

Well, you can thank your "spineless" government for peering off into space, while the inalienable religious rights of the American people are going up in smoke — faster than Groucho Marx's cigar.

Here's what strikes me as odd. Kaye is clearly gonna be on good ol' G. Dubs side of the table, right? She doesn't read, to me, like much of a lefty. Yet here she is, criticizing the government. Um...what branch of the gov'mint? Don't you guys control it all at this point? Is there, like, one Democrat hiding out in some office building somewhere in D.C., still writing these laws, and you just haven't found a way to silence him yet? Why don't you send that turncoat Lieberman after him?

Also...Kaye...please, in the future, try for a pop culture reference from the last half-century, what do you say? I mean, I get your Groucho remark, but to a contemporary audience, that's about as vital and current as the Defenestration of Prague.

It would be to the best interest of Christians to take a broader look at the war on Christmas and what it is leading up to. While you are content and think you are doing your part in Christianity by warming church pews on Sunday mornings, Christianity is being criminalized right under your "clueless" noses. The overall picture is much more dangerous than just attacks on Christmas symbolism.

Wow...I'd like to state again, I believe that Kaye is sincere and genuine in her fear of anti-Christian forces working all around her. I think she's probably been traveling in exclusively cult-like Republican circles for long enough to completely eliminate the need for logical reasoning and awareness from her mind. But you'd have to be extremely paranoid to see in contemporary America a strong movement against Christianity. In my 15-20 years of aware, cognizant life in this country, I don't recall fervent Christian faith ever being more publicly visible, frequently discussed or politically influencial as it is right now.

The President. Of the United States. Is a Born. Again. Christian.

Expressing strong religious faith is a pre-requisite to getting elected to any major office.

How could this possibly be considered an anti-Christian nation?

But, okay, here's the best part of the article. The part that really makes me heart sing with joy. Kaye has written a little poem/rap thing at the end here, expressing her strong feelings on the subject of the War on Christmas. This woman should immediately be given her own reality show. Someone at A&E or Bravo or something...get to work on this right now.

I will reprint Kaye's dope rhymes in its entirety because it's so unbelievably fantastic:

Christmas is under attack and we must fight back.
Without Christ there wouldn't be a world adorned with lights.
Without Christ there wouldn't be Christmas days or nights.
Who are you to tell us that we can't say Merry Christmas or display the Nativity scene?
And banning children from singing Christmas Carols in school is downright mean.

No matter how you try you can't destroy the Christmas spirit from within.
And as we begin to unite against you — we will eventually win.
You might want Holiday trees, but we will continue to decorate our CHRISTMAS trees.
And no longer are we going to stand idly by, while the minority who hate Christmas are appeased.
You might convince retailers to replace Christ with a big X
But we'll be ready to fight for our Christmas traditions no matter how much you might object.

So MERRY CHRISTMAS to all . . . and to all a good night.

And God Bless Us...Everyone...