Sunday, January 16, 2005

Charge of the Light Bri-Gayed

Here's a Reuters story about recently declassified Pentagon documents. It's full of interesting ideas that floated around our actual military about non-lethal chemical warfare.

What is non-lethal chemical warfare, you may rightly ask? Oh, you know, reasonable suggestions like inventing a drug that makes enemy troops want to have gay sex with each other.

That sounds about right. Except that being gay is a choice, right? So, I guess it's a drug that makes you really really want to choose to be gay.

And I quote:

The idea of fostering homosexuality among the enemy figured in a declassified six-year, $7.5 million request from a laboratory at Wright Patterson Air Force Base in Ohio for funding of non-lethal chemical weapon research.

So, at least the government passed on that idea. Probably found it distasteful. I mean, if you're fighting an enemy that's busy having sex with one another, that kind of makes you a little bit gay, you know? And we're Americans! We can't have that!

Plus, we prefer our enemy combatants involved in man-on-man sex when we arrange them in those positions ourselves for photos as part of interrogation. If they're doing it to one another voluntarily, how are our troops going to let off steam?

There were some other great ideas thrown out there in these so-called "brainstorming sessions."

The Air Force Research Laboratory also suggested using chemicals that could be sprayed on enemy positions to attract stinging and biting bugs, rodents and larger animals. Another idea involved creating "severe and lasting halitosis" to help sniff out fighters trying to blend with civilians.

Love the halitosis idea. Imagine if we'd given that to all those al-Qaeda guys. No more taking off your shoes at airports. You'd just have to let the guards get a strong whiff of you. Plus, no Arabs can buy Altoids! No exceptions!

I'm having some fun with the Pentagon and all, but in all seriousness, these ideas are really dumb. You want non-lethal weapons? Invest those vomit sticks from Minority Report. That's such a freaking great idea I can't believe we don't have those yet. Remember that? In the movie, cops can just jab you with this stick, and you start throwing up everywhere, and then they easily arrest you. Gross, yes, but effective! Imagine if we had vomit guns in the Middle East! A lot less dead people, and it probably wouldn't even smell that much worse!


The Woodsman

An anonymous friend gifted me with a VHS screener copy of this award-hopeful indie, and I watched it in my room this morning. It's difficult material, and I can imagine it would be too much for some people, but I found the film riveting. Bacon shines in a tough-but-fair portrayal of a man wracked by guilt and shame over his ongoing struggle with pedophilia.



It's kind of a shame that all the publicity and press for The Woodsman reveals the Bacon character's horrible secret, as the movie doesn't give away the game for at least 20 minutes. But you could probably figure it out anyway, what with the pained shots panning by a schoolyard and Bacon's hushed, sunkeneyed demeanor.

His Walter has recently been released following a 12 year stint in jail for molesting 10 to 12 year old girls. He's now returned to the Philadelphia neighborhood of his youth, to attempt a reconciliation with his sister and her family (including her husband, played by Benjamin Bratt in the film's least inspired performance). The remarkably kind Bob (David Alan Grier) hires him at a lumber yard, which is where Walter's life gets both more complicated and more tolerable.

Complicated because secretary Mary-Kay (Eve, in her strongest performance to date) has found out his dark secret. And tolerable because of his blossoming romance with the steely yet sensitive Vickie (Bacon's real-life wife Kyra Sedgwick). As if this weren't enough to contend with, Walter must face-off against the rightfully suspicious Sgt. Lucas (Mos Def), and deal with his continued depraved urges and sexual desires.

And this is why the film is so difficult. Though any discussion of pedophilia is bound to cause some discomfort in the viewer, The Woodsman refuses to pull any punches whatsoever. Though we're repulsed by Walter's urges, he seems to be as well, and the strength of Bacon's performance is in his realization of this dichotomy - he plays a man torn between fulfilling his bizarre compulsions and living the life he desperately wants. He cannot have it both ways, and you get the sense that neither solution will provide him with the kind of ultimate happiness and satisfaction most "normal" people strive for.

As well, the script by Steven Fetcher (based on his play) and director Nicole Kassell staunchly refuses to provide us with an antagonist. At times, Walter's behavior makes us detest him, or at the very least mistrust him. A long sequence set in a park, in which Walter loses his willpower and sparks a somewhat risque dialogue with a young girl, becomes increasingly nauseating and repulsive as it continues. It's one of the bravest scenes from any film in recent memory, refusing to let the main character off the hook or reduce his disease to simplistic, easily-digestible terms. But Bacon's performance is too nuanced and open to make Walter into any kind of conventional villain. "I'm not a monster," he complains to his brother-in-law, and by that point in the film, we've been allowed enough access to his inner struggles to agree.

But Fetcher and Kassell aren't merely content to sympathize with Walter. The bulk of the film's thankfully brief running time (thankfully because viewing the movie can be such a wrenching experience) is spent exploring the behavior and reactions of those around Walter. Mos Def's Sgt. Lucas torments him with his crimes, and hounds him into submission, but when he speaks about discovering the body of a sodomized young girl, we understand his motives. We know that there's a good chance a man like Walter will never recover from this problem, will never freely live around children without wanting to harm them. Even Walter knows this. So, in some way, it's a relief that policemen like Lucas exist to antagonize pedophiles.

And this sort of ambiguity and uncertainty runs throughout the entire film. I found it refreshing to see a movie so honest as to admit it has no answers. Can Walter ever defeat his demons and live a normal life? He asks these questions of his therapist in the film, and does not get any sort of definitive answer, and neither does the viewer. Kassell's sympathetic direction never once becomes manipulative or moralistic, preferring to observe rather than comment. And this makes The Woodsman complex, difficult and ultimately extremely worthwhile.

I preferred it to Happiness, Todd Solondz' 1998 examination of a suburban pedophile, wonderfully played in that film by Dylan Baker. Solondz' depiction is darkly comic, turning the pedophile character into a typically bumbling sitcom dad, just with an extremely twisted side. The Woodsman doesn't use comedy or sarcasm to lessen the impact of its harsh reality, and though this makes it more challenging to enjoy, it's ultimately a more rewarding experience.

It's interesting to me that a female director making her feature debut has crafted such a believable portrait of male desire. She understands that, for Walter, what he does with young girls has become compartmentalized. It is not his entire personality, and he does not love these girls in a traditional sense. It is a thing he likes to do to fulfill a certain sexual impulse, but the rest of his personality remains intact. This is why he's not a monster, and when we get insight into the man he used to be (such as the fact that he built furniture, or probably had a good sense of humor), we root for him to conquer his vile impulses.

This adds an extra element of horror to the scenes where Walter slips. The dialogue becomes multi-layered - we hope these children escape Walter's clutches both for their sake and for his. Compare this to other films about children in peril, and it becomes clear that Bacon and Kassell have crafted something truly special, a film that speaks for the humanity of every person alive, no matter what evil atrocities they may have committed.

If I had not already published a Top Movies of the Year list, this would likely be a candidate. Certainly it would belong in the Honorable Mention pile.


C-3PO, Human-Cereal Relations

Remember C-3PO Cereal? You don't? You obviously weren't a child from the year's of 1984 to 1985. If you were, you'd recall the sweet oat puff cereal (similar in many ways, taste-wise, to Corn Pops if memory serves) with the big gold droid on the box. Now, X-Entertainment has a large tribute to this short-lived breakfast-themed phenomenon, filled with colorful photos and even remembrances of the C-3PO TV commercial (which I have sadly forgotten...maybe it was on up against "Transformers").

It's a very funny article that made me oddly nostalgic for the days when cheap merchandising like this would work on me. I recall my fandom of not one but several movie and TV show tie-in snacks. My two favorites? Batman cereal (released after the Burton 1989 movie) and Garfield Fruit Snacks (released during the height of popularity of his Saturday morning TV crapfest "Garfield and Friends"). These were products that actually had pleasing tastes to my young palatte, in addition to coming with free toys based on entertainment products I enjoyed.

Now, of course, I like to think I'm immune to this sort of direct marketing. That just because I like a movie, I wouldn't neccessarily go out and buy a lot of cheap crap loosely based around it. But, of course, this is not at all true. I have an Army of Darkness T-shirt, countless DVD's of all kinds of movies I like, posters of Zero Effect, Mulholland Drive and Vertigo up in my room, the soundtracks to films like Rushmore and Trainspotting, even all three extended-edition Lord of the Rings movies. Because, in many ways, I am still an easy-to-market-to movie dork. I suspect this will not change over time.

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Friday Night Lights

I know I intended to reserve this column for older movies, and Friday Night Lights was released only last year, but damn it, this movie deserved some more recognition. I missed it in theaters because it's about football, and I don't give two shits about football or any other sports. And now I'm sorry that I did, because it's that rare sports movie that makes athletics feel riveting and meaningful, and not just like some mechanization of the plot.



The true story at the heart of Friday Night Lights concerns the 1988 football season for the Odessa, Texas Panthers, a small-town West Texas high school football team vying for the State Championship Title. And Odessa, Texas is a town very much concerned with high school football. In much the same way as the far inferior Varsity Blues, Friday Night Lights spends a good deal of its initial hour demonstrating the community's deep and abiding love for the sport of football, and their intolerance of coaches and players who do not perform to their exacting standards. So, when Coach Gary Gaines (Billy Bob Thornton) makes a questionable call and allows a star running back to play despite an insurmountable lead, he comes home at night to find "For Sale" signs on his lawn.

We also see how much the sport means to the young athletes who play for Gaines. The aforementioned running back, Boobie Miles (Derek Luke, in a confident and charismatic performance), has chased the fame and fortune of pro football his entire life. Don Billingsley (fine newcomer Garrett Hedlund) pushes himself to please his domineering, alcoholic father (country music star Tim McGraw). And Mike Winchell, the quiet, troubled quarterback, fights through pain and self-doubt for the sake of his mentally ill, football-obsessed mother.

These are classic sports-movie situations, and the film's rousing finale, finding the Panthers battling the seemingly unstoppable Carter Dallas team, could be lifted from any number of other sports films, from Hoosiers to Rudy to Remember the Titans. But what makes the film rise above the material is the sincerity of the performances, particularly from the young actors on the football field. These are not the sort of emotive, overripe turns we typically get in teen sports movies. There is none of the snarky, sophmoric humor that tainted Varsity Blues, none of the faux-earnest bluster of Remember the Titans and none of the tooth-gnashing chauvanist pyrotechnics of Any Given Sunday. Just a raw, gritty, realistic take on the hopes, triumphs, pressures and failures of a group of kids from a small town playing a harsh game with all they've got.

Director Peter Berg (who also crafted the far sillier but similarly underrated Very Bad Things) allows the material to take center stage. He gives the film a striking, unique look (aided by the stark cinematography of Tobias A. Schliessler, who has made over 15 films, none of which I have seen. The subdued harmonies of Explosions to the Sky on the soundtrack also perfectly compliment the action.

As someone not invested in the natural rhythms of sport or smitten with the rough pageantry of football, it takes a good deal of work to make me care about the outcome of a fictional contest. Berg succeeds by making me invest dramatically in the characters and situations. The hits on the field hurt not because of a crunching Foley effect on the soundtrack (as a director like Oliver Stone might provide), but because I know this kid needs to play to get out of Odessa, Texas, to make something of himself greater than his father and his high school.

It's rare to see a mainstream, formula picture that works on this level. Even though I could feel the lackluster screenplay verging back on melodrama again and again, Berg and his able cast continually resist this temptation, keeping the action tense, matter-of-fact and subtle. It's a refreshingly honest sports movie, and one that I suspect will find its way into the pantheon of great contemporary American sports films.

If It's Not Scottish, It's Crap!

Scottish magazine The List ranked the Top 50 Scottish bands of all time recently. The winners? You guessed it: The Bay City Rollers.

No, no, that's a joke. The Rollers came in #8. They was robbed. The winners are the enormously twee, enormously lovely Belle and Sebastian, whose "If You're Feeling Sinister" is surely one of the best pop albums of the 90's.

Here's the full Top 10:

1 Belle & Sebastian
2 Travis
3 Idlewild
4 Wet Wet Wet
5 Sensational Alex Harvey Band
6 Simple Minds
7 Teenage Fan Club
8 Bay City Rollers
9 Primal Scream
10 The Proclaimers

The Proclaimers? The "I would walk 500 miles" douchebags? I hate that freaking song! And I hate the movie it was attached to...(anyone know? Eh? Can you guess? It's Benny and Joon! I rule!)

I have not heard of Wet Wet Wet or Sensational Alex Harvey Band. But I was surprised to see Franz Ferdinand left out of the Top Ten (they're in at #15). That's one behind freaking Snow Patrol! I'd eat my weight in haggis before buying a Snow Patrol album.

The Delgados got left off entirely, which is a shame. Their album "Hate" from 2003 was better than anything Snow Patrol has ever recorded by a good distance.

Also, no love for Edwyn Collins? That "Never Met a Girl Like You Before" has been stuck in my head since about 1997.

He's Not Much For Fancy Book Learnin'

George W. Bush isn't a big reader. We all know this. This is a well-established fact. He brags about it, in fact. When asked during his first run for President in 2000 what his favorite book was as a child, he responded "The Very Hungry Caterpillar," which wasn't published until he was in college.

So, for some reason, CNN has decided to run an article attempting to counter this image. They want you to believe that, because Bush has been talking a lot about Natan Sharansky's book "The Case for Democracy" that he's a real big time reader. It's pathetic.

Bill Clinton read widely and voraciously, sampling and skimming ideas like a whale does plankton. Bush is more particular, and when he locks onto a book, he shows his trademark discipline, almost always reading it to the last page. When Sharansky stopped by, Bush sheepishly pointed out in his copy that he was only up to page 211 --but said he would finish the remaining 92 pages soon.

Did you read that? He had the author come to visit him at the White House and he hadn't finished the book yet. And the book is under 325 pages total! And this is an article that's supposed to counter the popular notion of Bush as anti-intellectual. And, you've got to love the metaphor they chose for Bill Clinton: a whale gobbling up plankton. How dignified.

Also, this is a paragraph essentially praising our President for reading a fucking book. Has it really come to this? George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, Franklin D. Roosevelt and John F. Kennedy have held this office, and now we've got a major news source pissing themselves with glee because Curious George got through 3/4 of a paperback. I'm officially depressed.

The stupidity continues:

Soon after the attacks of 9/11, he read the Civil War history April 1865, and the example of Lincoln's strength left him even more convinced that he should not change direction.

"Lincoln set the goal and stayed the course," he wrote to author Jay Winik. "I will do the same."

You think author Jay Winik pointed out to our President that Lincoln's goal was the continued existance of the United States, not the random murdering of brown people? Also, I'm glad the President made time for Civil War history right after 9/11. You know, what with him not having time to read a newspaper. At least it's not "Dukes of Hazzard" re-runs 24/7, that's all I'm saying.

Three Days of the Condor

Another recent rental from the video store. I must admit, despite the incredibly solid reputation of this movie, and my love of taut political thrillers, I have never seen this movie. Yes, yes, I know...I claim to possess a vast amount of film knowledge, and yet there are massive gaps. The collected works of Sydney Pollack? That's one of the gaps.

And now I'm starting to remember why.



Sydney Pollack makes well-respected, venerable, immensely popular mainstream entertainments. They connect with mass audiences to an impressive degree, and several hold a spot in the canon among America's Greatest Films. Movies like Jeremiah Johnson, The Way We Were, Tootsie, Out of Africa and Three Days of the Condor. They're all professionally made, with high production values and classy ensemble casts. And they all kind of rub me the wrong way. I can appreciate the skill with which they're made, but they feel more like efficient diversions than Great Films.

Three Days of the Condor fits perfectly into this model. Pollack relates his story of a low-level CIA "book reader" who finds himself adrift when his entire team is taken out by a mysterious hit squad with ease and, as I said, efficiency. No time is wasted introducing us to Robert Redford as Joe Turner and his team. They work in secret, skimming through thousands of books published all over the world. It's not ever made entirely clear what they're looking for in these books. Perhaps a case of an author stumbling upon a real-life CIA scheme intermingled with the fiction? Perhaps a good idea for a future scheme?

Anyway, Joe goes out for lunch, and returns to find his entire team has been murdered by a hit squad, headed up by Nordic dynamo Max von Sydow. And, just like that, his entire world comes crashing down. A quick phone call to Langely, Virginia reveals that the CIA will be of little assistance to Joe. He's on his own, with no way to know whom to trust. In a panic, he kidnaps photographer Kathy Hale (another great performance from the oddly beautiful Faye Dunaway).

And this is where the movie begins to lose its way. Up until this point, I admired greatly the simplicity of Pollack's storytelling. This is not some convoluted 70's thriller with absurd camera angles and hysterical conspiracy-mongering. I love The Parallax View, but that's a film about style more than tense, terse storytelling. But once the Faye Dunaway character's introduced, the movie shifts gears, becoming a rather silly, awkward romance, and the tension never really returns.

Perhaps it's the lack of believability inherent in the film's brief, intense courtship scenes. We're asked to accept that, within 24 hours, Joe will kidnap and violently threaten a woman, convince her that he's a rogue CIA operative with a league of goons out to kill him, seduce her into sleeping with him, and finally, gain her assistance in a madcap plan to foil his bosses. Um, sure.

If this were an outlandish fantasy film, playing with ideas about spies and espionage in a James Bond vein, I could accept this sort of whirlwind romantic storyline. But Condor is in all other ways a realistic (and dark) spy thriller. The opening action sequence, in which an entire office building dies in a hail of gunfire, provides the film with a gritty immediacy. To then make it into a dewy love story about a sexy spy on the run cheapens the effect, and decimates the steely intensity the film by all rights should have.

The Max von Sydow character is clearly the best thing in this movie, and by the end, I found myself wishing he had been the focus rather than Redford. He has a brief monologue near the film's conclusion (after he's switched sides) about life as a mercenary, without allegiances, that's wonderfully well-written and performed. There's such a gravitas to his character - Redford's playing a spy, but Von Sydow feels like a spy, like someone born into this life. It's a marvelous performance.

Usually, Redford's an actor I greatly admire, and though my roommate Nathan commented that he's poorly cast as a professional book-reader, I didn't have a problem buying into him. But he never really finds the key to Joe Turner. Like his name, the character's a bit generic. Pollack explores his transformation from naive newbie to seasoned spymaster only on the surface, never in an emotional way, preferring to spend his time on soft-focus love scenes.

I can see why people remember Three Days of the Condor fondly. For one, it inspired an entire generation of spy films, from Redford's own Sneakers and Spy Game to Matt Damon's Bourne films. Additionally, it's got a solid cast and a few clever twists and turnabouts. And cinematographer Owen Roizman, as always, does stand-out work. He was in the midst of building a tremendous resume when Condor came out in 1975. Check out the other films Roizman shot during this time:

The French Connection, Play it Again Sam, The Heartbreak Kid, The Exorcist, The Taking of Pelham One Two Three, Network

Wow. This guy is good.

So, yeah, Condor is a nice film that I'm glad I've finally seen. But it's somewhat undeserving of the massive praise heaped on it by now two generations of film fans. Of course, I feel this way about Pollack's Tootsie as well, and most people love that movie, so what do I know?

President Bush Apologizes...Kinda

This story apparently ran on Thursday, but I missed it. President Bush kind of sort of admitted to Barbara Walters that he's made some mistakes! Actual concession of error! Alert the media! (Oh, wait, he already did.)

So, yeah, that happened. The only surprising thing about this, really, is that it didn't happen sooner. For a while now, the media has slammed the President on his famed inability to admit wrongdoing, even in the most obvious and clear of circumstances. Like, you know, lying about needing to invade a country and then having your lie revealed to the entire world all at once while hundreds of thousands of people die needlessly. You knew Karl Rove worked this response out well in advance, and it does what it's supposed to do:

Days after the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks, Bush said he wanted to catch Osama bin Laden "dead or alive," a phrase that reinforced the U.S. president's international image as a cowboy.

Bush said his wife, Laura, disapproved and "chewed me out right after that."

"So I do have to be cautious about, you know, conveying thoughts in a way maybe that doesn't send wrong impressions about our country," he said.

Man, I fucking hate this guy. I mean, here he is, offering a mea culpa for actions that severly hurt the reputation of our nation abroad, and he still can't just apologize with sincerity. It's this aw shucks Texas bullshit he always does..."Oh, man, I try to git on up there and talk to them I-Rackis and I just get a little carried away, folks. Laura, boy, she sho done set me straight over that one, I ain't gonna go being a cowboy again...Nope nope nope."

Same crap in this quote:

"I remember when I talked about Osama bin Laden, I said we're going to get him dead or alive. I guess it's not the most diplomatic of language," Bush said.

I didn't watch this interview, because looking at the President makes me physically ill, but I can just see him doing his trademark half-smirk as he spoke these words. "I guess it ain't the most diplomatic of language, but you know, that's how we do it where I come from. Don't mess with Texas, Abdul, you know whut I mean?"

Anyway, for more snarky liberal blogging in response to this article, be sure to check out Fanatical Apathy here. They've got a take on it that's both more politically nuanced and witty than mine. Plus, they have a kickass blog name.

Friday, January 14, 2005

That's Right Neighborly

CNN has this article about the Nation's Friendliest Cities. According to some bullshit survey conducted by etiquette expert Marjabelle Young Stewart, Charleston, South Carolina is America's Friendliest City.

Okay, fair enough. I've never been to Charleston, but they say that Southern Hospitality is really nice. Unless you're a black person, a Jew, an atheist, a homosexual or a Muslim, in which case, Charleston's probably not the friendliest place in the country. Better not head South of the Mason-Dixon line if you know what's good for you. Gee, I wonder if Marjabelle Young Stewart is any of those things...hmmmm......

I liked this quote as well:

"When you pass people on the street, they will nod at you," said Nicholas Fuqua of Tour Charleston, which conducts city walks.

"People who live here are, for whatever reason, polite. Whether it's breeding or in the water, it's hard to say," he said.

Nodding at passers-by? Forget everything I said! Charleston sounds absolutely delightful.

And what's with the comment about water? Something in the water making people act extra-friendly? Does Batman know about this?

San Diego came in second, followed by Peoria, Illinois. Peoria, notably, is shorthand in Hollywood for "place full of dumb Midwestern yokels." (As in, "Will it play in Peoria?"). Also strange, Philadelphia comes in eighth. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Home of atty-tood. They'll yell at you in Philadelphia for ordering your soft pretzel incorrectly. I recall going to a Phillies game with my father, and hearing the man behind us loudly mock player John Kruk about his weight for 4 solid hours. Philly is famous for friendliness like Las Vegas is famous for its gothic cathedrals. Not very.

Cat Power

The video store tends to get DVDs in about a week early, and sometimes they're kind enough to let us employees take one home for the night. So I got to check out Catwoman tonight with my roommate Nathan, a week before it goes on sale to the public. And, let me tell you, it's as awful as you've heard.

I'm not writing up a full review, as the film is not really worthy of more than 300 words. Suffice it to say, director Pitof has got nothing. He fills his film with busy camera movement and constant, needless special effects to distract you from the utter lack of anything interesting in the material or in his direction.

Halle Berry's unconvincing as a meek wannabe executive, and too campy as the extroverted, brash Catwoman. The story is flat and boring (about a power struggle within a cosmetics company between Sharon Stone and her husband, played by the obnoxious Frenchie from the Matrix sequels). They changed the Catwoman mythology in unneccessary and goofy ways. And Pitof shoots all the action in that obnoxious sped-up choppy music video style, so you can't tell what's happening and there's no visceral impact whatsoever. Plus, there's far too much time spent developing dreary relationships between Catwoman/Prentice and her man-crazy friend and Benjamin Bratt as a hunky cop.

Okay, enough said, the movie's lame. I hope Batman Begins and Superman can pull WB out of this funk, because there's a few cool DC properties I wouldn't mind seeing on the big screen. Thank god they're sparing us that wretched Jack Black as the Green Lantern idea...It's a shame that their animation division seems to be the only area of the company capable of getting superheroes right. These characters ought to be relatively easy to adapt to the big screen, with their oversized mythology and franchise potential, but it already seems to me the comic book fad has kind of worn out its welcome. Oh well...

I know I promised some more reviews of old school films as well, but I've been sleeping, you bastards. In the next few days, I'll come up with full reviews on Don't Look Back, Scorsese's Cape Fear and Three Days of the Condor. Alright? Satisfied?

If You Prick Us, Do We Not Develop a Burning Sensation?

Yahoo, by way of HealthDay, reports that some historians feel Shakespeare may have had syphillis. Is there any historical figure that they don't think may have had syphillis? It's the new vogue thing to say about old timey artists, writers and politicians. Did you know some scholars think Jesus may have had syphillis?

No, seriously. He did. That's why he was always hanging around with lepers. Cause it didn't bother them. IT'S IN REVELATIONS, PEOPLE!

But I digress. Basically, the case seems to rest on a few circumstantial observations. Shakespeare stopped writing long before he died. He went bald. His plays often include references to venereal disease. The handwriting in his will indicates he may have suffered from tremors.

Frankly, none of these arguments go a long way towards convincing me. I mean, his plays often reference VD, sure, but couldn't that be because a lot of people in those days had VD, and it was a refernece his audience was sure to get (and find amusing)? I mean, this is probably my third blog entry goofing on someone with STD's, and I don't have any (I hope). And so what if he was bald? So's my grandfather! (Hey, what are you implying?)

The article goes on like this for a while, and then, out of nowhere, there's this really stupid quote. An expert responds to the case that a line in a sonnet referring to "love's fire" indicates Shakespeare had VD:

But Helen Vendler, an expert in Shakespeare's sonnets and professor of English at Harvard University, said the playwright took the "love's fire" line from an Italian poem. "It has nothing to do with disease, it just has to do with being inflamed with love," she said, adding that Shakespeare is "not writing autobiographically in the plays or poems."

This Harvard University English professor claims that Shakespeare is not writing autobiographically? At all? I mean, I'm not saying he was really the Prince of Denmark, but it's quite something to state assuredly in a newspaper that Shakespeare's plays or poems bore no resemblance whatsoever to his actual life. I mean, every great writer borrows from their lives, and Shakespeare's the greatest writer of all time. And there's no way to prove one way or the other that there wasn't some boy or dark lady he was obsessively in love with, or some chick named Viola that inspired a play or two of his. I'm sure she's right about that "love's fire" quote, but this is the kind of shrill, closed-minded argument that kind of turned me off to studying Shakespeare in high school. I didn't end up rediscovering the Bard until nearly the end of my time at UCLA.

And, yes, I know the headline to this article isn't the best. But Yahoo already stole "VD or not VD," which is really the obvious way to go.

Videogamedrome

So, I wrote an article yesterday about how great the new Star Wars game looks, and how I've never played a good Star Wars game, and I received several comments informing me that I'm an idiot who knows nothing about video games.

Fair enough. I don't really know a lot about video games, except they're fun and they sometimes feature an egregious Italian stereotype battling an oversized ape. I like video games, but I've never been really good at them. They require hand-eye coordination, a feature that my parents neglected to provide for me back at the genetics warehouse. I seriously have no hand-eye coordination at all. This is why I cannot dribble a basketball properly, or pilot a car with a stick shift on anything other than a straight-away, or beat any of my friends on any two-person video game ever, even if it's a game I own that they have never played before.

This was particularly humiliating to me as a child and adolescent. Bear in mind, I was already horrible at real-life sports, including popular elementary school pasttime kickball. Kickball is the world's easiest game, and I don't believe I made it on to a base one single time during my entire public school education. So, compound the fact that I throw like a girl and am incapable of making a lay-up with my utter inability to get MegaMan over that last jump and into the lair of the final boss. What do you get? An overweight blogger who likes movies, that's what.

But, back to my original point. I know nothing about video games, despite enjoying them as a light entertainment. I also don't understand how some "gamers" can own so many different games. I mean, I love DVD's, so that cuts into my potential video game purchasing money, but even without DVD's, a new Playstation 2 title costs $50. If you want to try out a new game every other week (not that much for a hardcore gamer), that's $200 a month on a video game addiction.

And I suppose you could just rent games from BlockBuster or something, but their selection is pretty crummy, new games are always checked out, and you only get them for three days, not nearly enough time to really get involved in a great new video game. So, what do you do? Just get a better paying job? Not spend as much money as I do on incidentals like drugs and shelter? Somebody please explain.

Sleeping All Day

That's why the blog hasn't been updated. I went to bed pretty late last night, but then I woke up and it was 4 PM, which is kind of peculiar. I haven't really slept this late into an afternoon since college, and then the situation was mostly chemical in nature.

Could it be that I haven't worked in so long, my body simply can no longer handle the stress of an 8 hour workday? Is ambling around a video store restocking shelves and checking out movies really such a strain, as to cause me to require 16 hours of sleep? Or am I just really really super lazy?

Tom the Dancing Bug

This is a great comic that I read every week on Salon. It's also published in the LA Weekly and the Village Voice and other alternative newspapers read by sensible people who appreciate quality writing.

Anyway, the mysterious and elusive cartoonist goes by the name Ruben Bolling, but that's a pseudonym...Salon has a very intriguing interview with him today, revealing that he has a day job as a banker and does the cartooning on the side. Very peculiar.

But I highly recommend checking out some of these comics. Even if the first one or two you read don't strike you as hilarious, give a few a try to get into the sense of humor. They're really odd and post-modern and clever, and there aren't really any duds or off-weeks.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

A Good Star Wars Game?

Star Wars has really yet to produce a classic video game. I mean, there's the super super old school one, where you're flying down a Death Star canal in an X-Wing made entirely of triangles, shooting at other triangles. And I remember a game I used to play in an arcade at the Irvine Spectrum when I was in high school where you piloted a Tie Fighter or something. Then there's Jedi Power Battles for the Playstation 1, which I was briefly addicted to back in my pot-and-video-games-and-Beck's-Midnight-Vultures phase in college. And I've heard that Knights of the Old Republic rocks, but I haven't played it. So, based solely on my limited experience, I'm going to proclaim that LucasArts games suck ass. Which makes the following image all the more amazing:



Wowzer. In the upcoming game Star Wars: Empire at War, you simulate a whole slew of cinematic battles. The game takes place between this summer's surefire blockbuster Episode III: Revenge of the Bad Guys...You Know, the Ones With Hoods...And Christopher Lee and 1977's actual movie Episode IV: A New Hope. So, it's basically a game that lets you recreate the birth of the Rebellion, a prospect that gets my Generation X-ish hopes up indeed.

Anyway, 1UP.com has a lot more info (and have imprinted their logo on all the photos, which I feel is kind of not the classiest of moves, but there you go...maybe I should get a Crushed By Inertia logo and plaster it all over my articles, so if anyone quotes me, there's a shadowy little image of myself in the corner). Check out their article and way more photos here.

Constructive Criticism

Someone left this comment on the blog today, on my story about Ali G causing a near-riot at a rodeo.

Ali G is as funny as bubonic plague

And, as we all know, bubonic plague is not very funny at all. Well, it is kind of funny in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, when Eric Idle is walking around with the wheelbarrow collecting dead people, and then John Cleese tries to give him a dead body that isn't quite dead yet. But the anonymous commentator's point wasn't to remind us all of that hilarious comedy film.

What was the anonymous commentator's point? I'm not sure. I personally would never go to someone's blog and write one sentence discounting their entire post. If I had an opinion about something they wrote (for example, "I like Ali G"), I'd hopefully provide enough of a response to spark a meaningful conversation. Or at least enough material to give a reader some insight into the basis for my opinion.

Simply going around on the Internet typing contrary one-sentence comments seems such an arbitrary and purposeless pasttime. I mean, you can't really respond to "Ali G is not funny." I know, because I'm trying my best right this moment, and it isn't turning out so well.

So, Anonymous Commentator, whomever you are, I'd like to be able to shoot something pithy back at you, but you've given me nothing to go with. Perhaps you'd like to swing by the blog again some time and tell us why you think genius Brit comedian Sasha Baron Cohen shares a humor quotient with the infamous Black Death...

Give Him a Break, Folks...He's From Kazakhstan

Genius Brit comedian Sasha Baron Cohen, better known to the world as Ali G., Borat and Bruno, must be working on the third season of his hit HBO show. For those of you who don't get HBO, or who get it and (shudder to think!) aren't watching Da Ali G Show, Cohen puts on a costume and pretends to be either a raga British idiot, an idiot from Kazakhstan or an Austrian idiot fashionista and then interviews actual morons, celebrities and politicians. It sounds like another lame Tom Green rip-off, but Cohen is so fast, such a great comedic mind, that he turns these interviews into something approaching performance art.

Now, he apparently got into trouble at a rodeo in Salem, Virginia as his Kazakhstani reporter character Borat. You see, according to the New York Post, Borat went up to sing the national anthem and speak a bit on US foreign policy. To wit:

"I hope you kill every man, woman and child in Iraq, down to the lizards," Cohen declared. "And may George W. Bush drink the blood of every man, woman and child in Iraq." After warbling what he said was his own native national anthem, Cohen proceeded to sing a butchered version of the "Star-Spangled Banner," ending with the words, "your home in the grave."

See what I mean? It's just a silly prank, but it goes beyond "Crank Yankers"-style silliness with the social commentary. It reminds me of the time he interviewed the wine experts in Mississippi. When a black sommelier approached to pour them more wine, he asked, "He is your slave?" The reaction from the old Mississippi gentlemen? Priceless.

Shifting Paradigms...

would be a great name for a rock band.

It's also blogger (and out of the closet gay man) Tom Chatt's theory for why the scientific community is having such a hard time with the Lincoln-is-gay question I raised on this very blog a few days ago.

Over at UpWord, he argues that scientists won't readily accept any new idea that destroys their old way of thinking. They will wait until sufficient other theories arise that make their old way of thinking entirely obsolete before they "shift paradigms" and accept the new concept. He uses Copernicus' conception of a heliocentric universe as an example. (Remember heliocentric? It means the Sun in the middle, for all you Bush voters).

So, all this sounds reasonable enough to me. Until he starts making it into a gay-straight thing...

And so it is with Lincoln being gay (or Michelangelo or Shakespeare or whoever). I was struck reading Andrew Sullivan's defense about the arguments he made, often ending with "sound familiar?" or "ring a bell?". Yes. To me. And to Andrew, and to others who share (or at least truly understand) the coming out experience. But not necessarily to others who don't share that life experience or sensibility.

I'm a straight guy, and I had absolutely no problem accepting the idea that Lincoln might be gay. There are literally thousands of gay men who have influenced the sum of human history. Just as it's not shocking to me that Alexander the Great or Michaelangelo may have taken trips on the brown side, it's not shocking that Honest Abe may have done the same. It still doesn't explain that bizarre top hat, but there you go...He wanted to make a good Halloween costume some day, I guess.

Fancy New Fork

Before I go...you guys really should check out the new design over at Pitchfork. For those not in the know, The 'Fork is the biggest, best indie rock website in all of creation. They feature daily song and album reviews, all the news that's fit to print from the world of quality rock music, and a sniggering, ironic sense of humor that's a fine counterpoint to, well, Crushed By Inertia. You know, that site you're reading right now? The one filled with well-sculpted witticisms and hilarious links?

I've attempted on two occasions now to get a reviewing job at Pitchfork, but apparently I'm not hipster or clever enough to write for them. And most of my sentences only include two clauses, which is weaksauce by their standards. Oh well...I still go and read their reviews and news most days. It's how I keep you all in the loop.

Back to Work

I feel better today, so it's off to the video store in about 15 minutes. But, fear not, Inertia-ites. I'll be back early this evening to post updates and whatnot (possibly a review of the classic Nicholas Roeg thriller Don't Look Now...okay, definitely). Check you later!

Oh, and the #1 stupid customer conversation I've had thus far? A guy came in the other day insisting to me that George Lucas did not direct the original Star Wars. For, like, 15 minutes. My question was...if Lucas didn't, who did? Roman Polanski? Larry Cohen, perhaps?

What a goober.