Just before his helicopter lifted off, [Senate Majority Leader Bill] Frist and aides took snapshots of each other near a pile of tsunami debris. "Get some devastation in the back," Frist told a photographer.
From CBS News. Thanks to Andrew Sullivan for the link.
I woke up this morning with a dull ache in my neck, and the inability to turn my head terribly far to the left. This happens to me, without apparent cause or warning, about twice a year, I'd say. There are no other symptoms...at all other times, my neck feels totally fine.
I guess it could just be a matter of sleeping wrong, but then why doesn't it happen more often? And why does it persist even after I reposition my neck? (I learned how to crack it years ago in response to this very problem). And why does it only happen when I sleep in my bed, and not somewhere else less comfortable (like a friend's couch or the floor of a Tijuana crackhouse)?
I don't know. I find that, as I get older (I'm 26 now), more and more of my health and medical-type problems and those of my friends are these sorts of unexplainable aches, pains and conditions. Last year, I had a bizarre stomach bug that seemed to come and go at will. My friends have had persistent colds that last for 6 months to a year, odd bacterial infections in their sides and sexually transmitted diseases. Well, that last one isn't really strange, but I could only think of two other examples.
What gives? Is this just the aging process happening a little faster to my social circle because of the horrible abuse subjected upon our bodies by poor eating habits, heavy drinking and the like? Or is this normal for a person my age?
Anyway, it makes me cock my head at a funny right angle all day, because it's painful to hold it straight up. So, I have to walk around all day explaining to everyone why my head is slumped over to the side, which is almost as bad as the discomfort, to be honest. I'm thinking about just pretending not to notice that my head is lopsided when people remark on it...maybe they'll think I've gone mental. Or I'll tell them I'm a reverse parapalegic, and I've lost all sensation from my neck up.
Hopefully, it will be gone tomorrow, because I have to work at the video store, and greeting customers all day like this would be awful. "Hi, and yes, I know my neck is crooked, but it hurts to move it around, okay? Now, will that be all for you, sir?"
Yes, that's right, kids. The trailer for Ring 2: Electric Boogaloo has gone online. See it here.
This trailer looks pretty kickass. I was a big fan of the first Ring, far preferring the American remake to the original Japanese film Ringu. And no, not just because my dream woman Naomi Watts starred in it, although that didn't hurt. Because I thought director Gore Verbinski really nailed the look, particularly the use of color, in the film, because I thought the kid actor was incredibly creepy, because I really liked the subtlety of the special effects, and because that last scene where the girl comes through the TV and kills future Torque star Martin Henderson is creepy as hell. Oh, and the scene with the horse on the ferry boat. And, yes, because Naomi Watts is smoking hot.
So, anyway, I was already looking forward to the sequel, also directed by Verbinski and starring Watts, this Spring. And this trailer really hits it out of the park, as far as I'm concerned. It looks like they're expanding the mythology of the tape in the sequel, rather than just rehashing the plot of the first film, which is always a good move for a second movie (unless you are the Wachowski Brothers, in which case, you should never make sequels again). So, this is definitely among my most anticipated mainstream films of 2005.
There are a whole bunch, though. Sin City, The Fountain, Corpse Bride, Batman Begins, Oliver Twist (directed by Roman Polanski!)...Actually, I'm going to save the rest...this is a whole article unto itself...
So, I've been picking up some movies since I've been working at Laser Blazer. Last night, I watched Fallen Angels, a very strange Wong Kar-Wai film from the mid-90's. It was his follow-up to the justifiably well-received Chungking Express, which really made him an international name in cinema the year before.
Angels was a lot like Chungking, but even more haunting and stylish. I'm not sure it was as involving as that other film, and he really overuses this distorted, fish-eye lens that makes everything in the foreground appear disproportionately large. But other than these quibbles, it's an almost hypnotically good movie. You find yourself being sucked into its odd underworld of tormented lovers and killers.
The plot concerns a hitman who works with a female partner he's never seen. She deals with all the logistical work, while he takes care of the actual killing. Also, there's a mute who invades storefronts at night, opening them for business while the owners are away. And a girl in a blonde wig. That's about it. The movie's not about plot at all, but about creating a sort of hyperkinetic live-action comic book bursting with energy and visual ingenuity.
In Ebert's old review, he basically agrees with my take, adding in that he doesn't feel "regular" moviegoers would enjoy this movie. I suppose that I agree, although every once in a while, a truly weird, visionary filmmaker manages to enter the mainstream, even if its only for a film or two. But, yeah, most people would be turned off by Fallen Angels' lack of structure. There is very little narrative momentum. Things happen and then other things happen, and if you're not intrigued by the way the story is unfolding before you, I wager you'd get bored fairly easily.
It's a theme with Asian films I've watched recently. I showed my friend Vineet and roommate Nathan Ichi the Killer, and we had a similar conversation, about how the movie's only a third of a story, really, and watching it is about investing in the world, really "seeing" the universe created by the filmmakers rather than whizzing past it to follow some labrynthine, bogus storyline. And I saw Versus along with my friend Aaron a while back, and had the same conversation with him (although that film is far inferior to Ichi or Fallen Angels). The story in that movie could not be more simplistic if it tried - a bunch of guys walk into a forest and a massive fight breaks out with some zombies.
I wish American filmmakers felt they had some level of freedom to work visually, rather than filling their movies with constant, dull exposition. I mean, I really loved Sky Captain earlier this year, but it would have been even better if there was about half as much storyline and dialogue, and twice as many sweeping shots of animated killer robots.
By the way, I see that Kar-Wai's next film is listed on IMDB as The Lady from Shanghai. Could it be a remake of the Orson Welles classic? He would be kind of the perfect modern director to take a stab at that film, although improving on the finale in the House of Mirrors is pretty much an impossibility.
I find that I write about sex and sexuality on this blog a lot more than I thought I would. My original idea was to write a lot about politics and movies, and I have, but the Internet seems to offer a limitless supply of dumb or freaky opinions on sex, and every time I read them, I automatically think "Hey! This should go on my blog!" So, if you're sick of me goofing on freaks with dumb ideas about sex, this ain't the article for you.
You're still here?
Of course you are. Everyone's just as fascinated by this crap as I am. You just don't want to admit it.
According to an article in WIRED, clinicians and "experts" testifying before a Senate subcommittee in November reported that Internet porn is more addictive than crack cocaine. Oh, snap, for real? Dang! I could be making some money off this stuff on the street, and I've just been using it for masturbation! What the hell!
Check this out:
Mary Anne Layden, co-director of the Sexual Trauma and Psychopathology Program at the University of Pennsylvania's Center for Cognitive Therapy, called porn the "most concerning thing to psychological health that I know of existing today."
The most concerning thing? Doesn't she feel this is a bit overdramatic, or even hysterical? How many hundreds of thousands of people are homeless due to alcoholism, drug addiction, schizophrenia and other mental and social disorders? Isn't that of greater concern to us all than Is anyone on the streets because of porn addiction?
That quote basically let me know not to take these people seriously. But it gets worse.
Jeffrey Satinover, a psychiatrist and advisor to the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality echoed Layden's concern about the internet and the somatic effects of pornography.
"Pornography really does, unlike other addictions, biologically cause direct release of the most perfect addictive substance," Satinover said. "That is, it causes masturbation, which causes release of the naturally occurring opioids. It does what heroin can't do, in effect."
Hmmm....did you find the name of that organization linked there a bit fishy? The National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality? So, of course, I clicked the link. Here's the mission statement of that organizationwhat I found
Welcome to the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH) -- a non-profit, educational organization dedicated to affirming a complementary, male-female model of gender and sexuality.
So, yeah, now it makes sense. These are people who dislike pornography for religious or personal reasons, and have taken it upon themselves to tell us all how horrible it is. Perhaps the most amusing part of this entire thing is that the Senate subcommittee is not attached to any pending legislation. They just were curious about this issue and decided to get recommendations from so-called "experts." Really, villainous subcommittee chairman Sam Brownback (R-Kansas-Douchebag) wanted to talk about porno for a few weeks, so he came up with a fun little project.
And, by the way, that quote above there about masturbation and opiods is completely ridiculous. You can tell that's a guy who thinks it's wrong to masturbate...It's unnatural, like taking heroin, causing your brain to have a reaction it will then become addicted to. But sexual gratification is something our bodies are designed to experience, unlike a nice shot of fucking heroin, you idiot. It'd be just like arguing that breathing is addictive, because once you start doing it, it becomes difficult to stop.
Are some people chronic masturbators, doing it more than it healthy? Who told you?! Um, I mean, yeah, I'm sure some people are. But does this have anything to do with the pernicious effects of Internet porn? Of course not. It has to do with the person needing to get out of the house a bit more.
I'll leave you with this hi-larious quote from Sam Brownback...Senator, Guy from Kansas, Christian, and Crushed by Inertia's Asshole of the Week. Here's Topeka Sam talking about pornography "back in my day":
Some guy would sneak a magazine in somewhere and show some of us, but you had to find him at the right time.
Ahhh, memories.
Oh, sorry, I fell asleep for a moment.
I've been meaning to talk about this ongoing Social Security debate for a while, but it's a pretty boring subject and I never know how to make it amusing or interesting, so I always wind up writing dirty jokes about Internet perverts instead. Because they're always amusing and interesting!
But today, I feel I can't not link to this Yahoo article, in which Representative Charles Rangel informs the public that there is no upcoming crisis in Social Security. Here's what Rangel had to say, in a nutshell:
Social Security trustees say the program will start paying out more in benefits than it collects in taxes in 2018, and can pay full promised benefits only until 2042.
"The White House wants Americans to believe that Social Security is heading for an iceberg. They think that, by scaring people, they will help increase support for privatization," Rangel said.
The cost of moving to add private accounts has been estimated at more than $1 trillion. Rangel said the figure would be about $2 trillion, weakening Social Security and leaving future retirees hoping for a miracle from the stock market.
But why would the Bush administration lie to everyone?
If you are asking yourself that question, you have not been paying close attention. Be more cynical!
The Republicans have this privitization scheme all laid out, and they'll be damned if they're going to let silly facts get in the way of instituting their bizarre, draconian, selfish policies.
Anyway, this is the next Karl Rove PR blitz, so prepare yourself. In the coming weeks and months, you'll see a lot of people talking about how the Social Security system is "broken" and we need to "fix it" in order to ensure the health and well-being of "future generations." This is crap. Just remember, when you hear someone saying that stuff, they are obviously lying, becuase this news article today said that they can continue to sustain the Social Security system with no changes until 2042.
But what happens in 2042, you may ask? Well, I sure as hell don't know. Obviously, we need to alter the Social Security system somehow by then, so that people who begin to pay into it in the 2030's aren't ripped off after they reach a certain age. But come on, people! We don't need to overhaul the entire system!
Without getting any more technical (numbers make my head hurt), I'll close out this topic by suggesting that obviously, we need to do something to salvage the Social Security system. Clearly, we can't just sit around and wait for it to fail in 40 years. But do we need to force people to invest part of their savings into the stock market? Do we need to effectively dismantle the system as it currently exists? Or do we need to find some way to make it more fiscally solvent, but keep the same principles that have governed Social Security since the 1940's?
Penny Arcade is a real neat site for gamers which features an extremely clever and often hilarious comic strip. Anyway, today they pointed me to this edition of the truly obnoxious print comic strip Non Sequitur. It seems Wiley Miller, the creator of Non Sequitur, looks down on the Internet as a way for writers to get their work out.
If you don't feel like clicking through to the comic, one little girl tells another that she is a published novelist. When this comment is met with shock, the novelist reveals that her story was published on the Internet. The first little girl says "The stupidity of that rationalization is absolutely astounding!" And now, the punch line: "Absolutely astounding! Now I'm a critically acclaimed novelist."
Basically, the joke is that people who write things on the Internet don't have to go through a publisher, so they're not real writers. This is total bullshit. What makes a person a real writer? Having written something. What makes a piece of writing worthwhile. If other people read it and find value in it.
And that's it. Who gives a shit where people see it, or whether some big company decided it was bland enough to meet their standards for publication? You just know Miller is some old fart who doesn't really get the Internet, who thinks it's just made up of a bunch of punk kids writing dumb notes to each other and thinking that they've published something worthwhile.
But I bet I've written more words on this blog in one week than he'll write for his bullshit comic strip this year. And the guys at Penny Arcade aren't in the LA Times, but their comic is read and enjoyed and remembered by a hell of a lot more people than give a flying fuck about Wiley Miller and his dumb little cartoon about nothing. What the hell is Non Sequitur anyway? Who has ever even heard of it? Are there Non Sequitur fans out there who wait for one little girl to say something really offensive to a group of people they hate, and then cut the strip out and tape it up in their cubicle next to the picture of his/her six cats?
I'll give you an example of the typical type of humor found in this comic strip:
A sign reads "Caution: Drifting Snow" Right next to the sign is a snowman with its thumb out. Get it? He's hitchhiking! He's a drifter! And a snowman! Drifting snow!
Isn't that delightful? No wonder this guy is published! Forget I said anything.
Anyway, it just bothers me when successful "artists" (and I use the term loosely) look down on their less properous counterparts. Wiley Miller should be so busy being thankful that he has a job based solely on his sucky cartooning, there shouldn't be enough time in his busy schedule to resent online publications.
Yahoo! confirms today that negotiations have begun for Kevin Spacey to play Lex Luthor and Kate Bosworth to play Lois Lane in the new Superman movie. It's kind of a weird thing, because they're currently starring together as Bobby Darrin and Sandra Dee in Beyond the Sea. Guess who plays who?
Mercifully, they would not be love interests in Superman, unless Warner Bros. is really changing the mythology on us. It's kind of cool, if only because Spacey will reunite with Bryan Singer, who directed him to fame and fortune in Usual Suspects and who is helming Superman as well.
I hope Warners can turn things around in their superhero division. This new Christopher Nolan-directed Batman Begins sounds promising (I've been told by more than one person that the script rules), and a Bryan Singer-directed Superman movie with an old-fashioned bad-ass Kevin Spacey performance as the villain sounds like it could work for me. Only time will tell.
Oh, and as for Kate Bosworth...my only problem is that she seems a bit young. And why do only blonde actresses get these parts in superhero movies when almost none of their comic book counterparts have blonde hair? I mean, Kirsten Dunst as Mary Jane Watson is one thing, but Lois Lane = brunette, you know? Even if Bosworth goes dark...it's just not the same.
It clearly should be Ashlee Simpson.
In case you haven't been following the ongoing argument about bestiality that has been gracing the comments section of this blog, allow me to give you the brief version. I think it's gross and cruel, mynym thinks it's just gross, but not neccessarily cruel, because you never know...cows might like having sex with people...It's an interesting theory. I proposed he put it into practice. I have not heard back.
Anyway, that's one of the reasons (along with my being, in general, amused by perverts) I wanted to link to this story from the New Jersey Star-Ledger. Now, I know what you're thinking..."Stupid perverts making headline news from New Jersey? No way." But, I swear, it's true.
Here's an excerpt:
Jose Rodriguez, 39, who lives on State Street, was caught by Perth Amboy police with his pants down, straddling the dog last month after her owner, Maritza Rosario, called for help.
Rosario had obtained a court order in the city municipal court, barring Rodriguez from her property after she caught him sodomizing the 5-year-old female Rottweiler, named Precious, in her back yard.
On Dec. 19, police caught Rodriguez in Rosario's back yard, allegedly standing behind the dog with his pants down, authorities said. The officers called the New Jersey Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.
What a great blog this is. I hope you people appreciate it.
The best part of the article? The part about police catching him having sex with the dog in response to a call from the owner, Maritza Rosario. So, imagine with me the scenario. Ms. Rosario comes home to find the 39 year old man who lives (with his mother!) down the road having sex with her Rottweiler (Precious!) in her backyard. She phones the police. When they get there, Jose is still having sex with the dog. Now, either the Perth Amboy Police are Johnny-On-The-Spot when it comes to dog-sex calls or this guy was really getting into this particular taboo act.
Did she yell at him to stop before the police got there? Or did she just go into the other room and try not to think about it. Or, dare I even pose the question, did she watch?
Anyway, I'd just like to point out to mynym that the man was arrested on charges of "animal cruelty," not "gross, unnatural acts relating to an animal," so at least in this case, the rule of law is on my side. Nyeh nyeh.
My friend Peter Smith's quite the talented director. He's made a few films that have made it into a few festivals, and even won a few awards. Plus, he got to go to Sundance last year, which is pretty much completely unassailably cool, and also guaranteed to get you laid in Los Angeles if you throw the information out there in suitably suave manner. And to think! He got his start working as a film writer with me down at the good ol' Daily Bruin...Stop me before I get all misty.
Anyway, he's participating in an MTV contest to Make a Music Video for Yellowcard, so I went on over to the site here and checked it out. Why not go and vote for Peter Smith? (He's one of the first names on there). I think, if he can just carry Ohio and Michigan, then...oh, never mind. That joke's going nowhere.
And I know in the title of this item, I refer to the thing as "my video," but it has nothing to do with me. I didn't even know about it until today. I just wanted to quote the line from Napoleon Dynamte as accurately as possible, so people will get it. But now that I look at it, they probably won't get it anyway.
While you're there, be sure to watch a few of the videos. Peter's looks really nice and professional, like an actual music video you might see on MTV if they ever showed music videos. Most of the others are not up to this standard. I watched one where a guy tried to recreate scenes from movies like Silence of the Lambs, except with him and his girlfriend starring in each of the parts. Then, between scenes, he puts in this trippy psychedelic lava lamp type effect. Imagine if Roger Corman directed one of the Naked Gun movies, and then hired on a toddler as assistant editor.
So, Peter probably doesn't need the help of all you Inertia-keteers out there to win, but go give him a vote anyway. Even if he takes the electoral college, he could still lose the popular vote, which would deny him a rhetorical "mandate".
I hate Fox News. This is well-established. Though I felt his movie Outfoxed was poorly constructed and unengaging, Robert Greenwald has said it best: Fox News is not a news organization. They spend money on high-priced on-screen "talent" like Sean Hannity, not on reporting and investigating. Have you ever even seen an investigation on Fox News? It's always a brief report on some random issue followed by 20 minutes of the loudmouth host dithering on about why the Republicans are right and liberals are stupid. All editorializing, no actual journalism.
So, it's not surprising that the Fox News coverage of the Asian tsunami disaster sucks. They're not prepared to cover actual stories. They only know how to sit around and praise The Great Leader, and tear down all who oppose his worshipfulness.
But this tidbit, from an article on Fox News in today's Salon, goes so far over the line, I'm at a loss for words. Well, not literally. I'm writing words right now. But you know what I mean. This is an actual quote from Fox News anchor John Gibson:
This is the travel industry, major big hotel companies. How is it that United States taxpayers are going to be convinced you have to build hotels in Phuket? Thailand, Indonesia, India, the countries that got hit [will] say, "We need dough and we need buckets of it to fix all this so Swedes can go on vacation in Phuket again."
I know this isn't physically possible, but I wish the entire nation of Thailand could all get together, come to America, and one-by-one, kick John Gibson's ass. Like, have them elect a Minister of Ass-Kicking to give everybody a number, and then line up in an orderly fashion, and just give him a solid roundhouse to the head. Plus, we can have face painting.
These countries are fucking buried beneath water, entire villages are dead, and we're all driving around in SUVs with 22s on them. I don't think it's going to break the bank to save some lives. Those people you see in the photos coming back from Phuket, John? Does it look like a fabulous resort destination? No, it looks like a war zone. And I know Fox doesn't like using war zone footage, but this stuff doesn't even reflect poorly on The Leader. Powerful and evil though he may be, he does not yet hold sway over continental drift.
Bizarre. An article I found on FARK says that Norway leads the world in per capita pizza consumption.
Can this be possible? Norwegians ate a combined 50 million pizzas in 2004, with only 4.6 million citizens? And that's more than Americans?
See, I believe that Norwegians could eat 50 million pizzas. I guess. I mean, the weather always sucks, so you don't want to go outside all the time. And I know when I'm hungry and the weather's no good, I tend to order pizza. Or Chinese food. And I'm not sure if they have good Chinese food in Norway. They have lots of seafood, and that's a popular ingredient in Chinese food, but I suppose it would all depend on whether or not there's a lot of Chinese people in Norway. Probably. There's just so many Chinese people, they're just about everywhere by now.
But I digress. My point was, the 50 million figure seems reasonable enough, but I'm willing to bet that Americans eat more pizzas than that. Think about it. Everyone knows we're the fattest country, and we've got to be among the world leader's in marijuana consumption (where's Amsterdam on the pizza list?) and Italian immigration. That would seem to equal good pizza and lots of lazy fatasses wanting to eat it, no? Plus, the goddamn thing was invented in New York.
So, I'm a bit skeptical of this tidbit of information. It's from a Norwegian newspaper (thankfully translated into English, although I am fluent in Norwegian, so I could have read it anyway), so maybe it's outright propaganda. Although if Norway's leadership is hoping to impress the world by overtaking the U.S. in pizza consumption, they may want to rethink their long-term diplomatic strategy.
Cause, small-framed Japanese hot-dog champions aside, you don't want to challenge America to an eating contest. You won't like me when I'm hungry.
Okay, who do you think this quote refers to?
Some people recognized the moral perils of mixing religion and politics, but many more were seduced by it. It was the pseudo-religious transfiguration of politics that largely ensured his success, notably in Protestant areas.
Sounds a lot like our very own President. And, may I just interject, GO BUSH. But, no, it's Nazism scholar Fritz Stern discussing Hitler's rise to power in today's NY Times.
Yes, I know, I know, comparing anything to Hitler or Nazism is the surest way to end an interesting conversation. On the Internet, this is referred to as Godwin's Law:
As a Usenet discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches one.
So, in essence, this item is over before it even starts. But screw that. This article is really interesting.
Stern, though he never out-and-out refers to the American Christian right as "fascist," comes pretty close to declaring the entire theocratic wing of the Republican Party Nazi-esque. Check out this quote:
The Jews in Central Europe welcomed the Russian Revolution, but it ended badly for them. The tacit alliance between the neo-cons and the Christian right is less easily understood. I can imagine a similarly disillusioning outcome.
A similarly disillusioning outcome? That ain't good.
And this is a guy who knows what he's talking about. His family fled Germany in 1938, when he was 12, for New York City. He lost both an aunt and uncle to the Holocaust.
I think every Jewish person considers how they would react if they were in Germany during the years of persecution leading up to the Final Solution. What we don't consider (or, what I've never really considered) is what we will do if things turn south here in America in our own time.
Now, I'm not saying that the Republicans are going to start exterminating Jews or anyone else any time soon (unless they're retarded and commit a crime in Texas). But with Bush in for a second term, and the armies of theocracy amassing, I'm getting worried about the country I've always called my home.
Oliver Stone's epic Alexander has begun to open around Europe, so he's doing the press rounds over there, trying to explain away the film's disasterous box office take here in America.
I think it's obvious why no one went to go see this movie. It's a 3 hour examination of the life of a well-known historical figure directed by the guy who most recently directed Any Given Sunday and a documentary in praise of Fidel Castro.
Don't get me wrong...I like Stone more than most. I think his Nixon is wildly underrated, JFK is one of my favorite movies of the 90's, and Platoon ranks among my favorite Vietnam films.
But it's not exactly shocking that his latest didn't set the box office aflame. If you're a producer banking over $100 million on an Oliver Stone production, you may want to consider a career in the fast-paced world of renting movies to people at a little store on Pico. You won't be a producer for long. The last time Stone had a hit was, in fact, JFK, which raked in about $70 million and garnered several award nominations.
So how does Stone explain the movie's tepid reaction here in America? He told The Guardian it's the fault of American religious conservatism.
Sexuality is a large issue in America right now, but it isn't so much in other countries. There's a raging fundamentalism in morality in the United States. From day one audiences didn't show up. They didn't even read the reviews in the [American] south because the media was using the words: 'Alex is Gay'.
I mean, Ollie's right. The overlap of sexuality and religion ranks among the most thorny issues in contemporary American society, and his film touches upon that distinction by featuring a bisexual hero and several sequences of sexuality. And I agree with Stone that the media focused a bit too closely on the bisexual themes of the story in the months prior to its release.
But is this really why people didn't go to see his film? I doubt it. As I said before, I think running time and content was the biggest issue here - more people would have gone to see a war film starring Colin Farrell, Val Kilmer and Angelina Jolie if it wasn't 3 hours long and set in a poorly-understood ancient world. Also, you'll recall the atrocious reviews the film received across the board. This kept away people (like myself) who might have otherwise gone to see a new Oliver Stone film.
I think I should stop reading all this news stuff about the disaster in South Asia. The whole thing is just so unimaginable...I guess I feel on some level that if I can find out everything there is to no about it, it will make more sense. Like there's some piece of statistical or meteorological information that will explain how 60 foot waves can form, how an entire continent can slip underneath another continent, why 150,000 people died in an instant.
But, of course, there isn't. The more you read, the more words you scan about devastation and horror, and you may get a bit more numb to it after a while, but you don't start to feel any better. I also have no money or anything, so there's not really anything proactive I can do.
Anyway, I was reading this story on Yahoo about, you know, misery and horror in the aftermath of an insanely massive natural disaster, and there was this little detail at the end of the article that really drove the whole "immense power of nature" point home for me. Check this out:
In a rare piece of happy news, an Indonesian tsunami survivor rescued after five days at sea had another reason to celebrate. She'll have her first baby in less than six months.
"I am happy and thankful," said 24-year-old Malawati, who is recovering in a northern Malaysian hospital after being plucked from shark-infested waters last week. Her husband was swept out with her, but vanished.
Okay, before I get to the fascinating factoid here, I'd just like to say a word to the author of this otherwise fine article, The Associated Press' Jocelyn Gecker. A pregnant woman rescued from shark-infested waters after watching her husband be swept out to sea during the worst natural disaster in recent world history does not constitute "happy news." It's a rare piece of not entirely tragic news, but only because at least one person survived.
But the thing that's truly amazing about this story is that this woman and her husband were swept out to sea. A big wave came and crashed over them, and the two of them wound up stuck in the ocean for five days. Can you fathom (har!) a wave pulling you that far out into the ocean? Granted, the article doesn't say if the woman and her husband were, in fact, on the beach, or even in the very shallow portion of the ocean, when the storm hit, but this seems unlikely, unless she's one of those rare pregnant women who likes to go tsunami surfing.
So, in addition to the human toll, which I won't even bother to record here because it grows each day, I can't come to grips with the incredible force of this event. I'm not a God kind of guy, but when the ocean just opens up and swallows an entire section of the populated world, it's hard not to fixate on the big-time spiritual questions.
A few of my regular readers are my real-world friends, and those people already know that I am a massive goober. But for the rest of you, this may come as a complete shock. I, Lons, the confident and capable blogger before you, am an utterly hopeless, awkward, klutzy goober, there's just no two ways about it.
This occurs to me today because I was related a story of my goober-dom this afternoon. Ivan, the assistant manager at my employer, Laser Blazer, informed me that during my entire job interview a few weeks ago, the fly of my pants was down. According to him, he knew he wanted to work with me right then and there. Anyone with little to know insecurity, or even knowledge, about the location of their own package is apparently Laser Blazer material.
Bear in mind that this was the latest in a string of job interviews I have been going on for a bit over a year now. How often have I been walking into corporate offices, trying to convince people to turn over $30, $40, $50,000 a year to me, along with the future well-being of their companies, with a portion of my underwear peeking out the front of my trousers?
I have a worse anecdote. At my old company, our office moved from one area of Hollywood to another. My boss entrusted me one afternoon with the sole key for the new office, which I would have to bring to the building manager to have copies made. Not one minute, one minute, after leaving my office with the key, I proceed to drop it down the elevator shaft, losing it forever.
Now, I ask you, are these not the acts of a total goober? How can someone live on this planet for 26+ years and still have so little ability to move through it?
Okay, you've been to my blog before. What's the absolute best news I could possibly receive?
No, Zach Braff hasn't developed painful bladder stones. Good guess, though. (The top two links on his blog today? "Please vote for Zach, Natalie, Peter and Garden State at the 10th Annual Moviefone Moviegoer Awards" and "Buy the Garden State Poster at allposters.com" Way to shill, Zachary!)
Even better than that. Give up?
6 words:
The. Ashlee. Simpson. Show. Season. 2.
Take it away, Yahoo:
The second season of Simpson's unscripted MTV reality show, "The Ashlee Simpson Show," premieres Jan. 26 and will capture the "SNL" appearance and preparation for her first nationwide tour, which begins Feb. 18 at Los Angeles' Universal Amphitheatre.
OMG! Yes! If you missed Season One of Ashlee's show, you are probably thinking to yourself that I am somehow less than a manly man for enjoying it. But it's quite possibly the Greatest Reality Show of All Time. Ashlee and her father, Pastor Joe's, exciting adventures in the Land of Marketing and PR will delight the entire family, ages 4 to, oh, about 32, I'd say.
The article itself is pretty funny. It's not really about the exciting announcement of Ash. Simp. V. 2.0, but about how Ashlee was booed during a performance of her hit single "La La" at the Orange Bowl Halftime Show.
Even though I received my Master's Degree from USC, I am not a football fan, and did not watch the Orange Bowl. If I had only known Ashlee was going to perform, I could give you a personal account of how the booing went down, but I'll just have to rely on Yahoo's explanation:
The 20-year-old singer received a discernible chorus of boos following a performance of her song "La La."
"You make me wanna scream," she sang before the audience jeered.
My roommate Nathan referred to it as the worst live vocal performance he'd heard yet from Simpson, which is saying something after the American Music Awards (or the Radio Music Awards, or the Music Radio International Blockbuster Billboard's Choice Music Awards, or whatever the hell music award show she was on right after the SNL debacle).
Anyway, I can't wait to catch up on Ashlee's incredibly exciting, glamorous and not at all shallow lifestyle starting the end of this month on MTV. It sure beats developing a social life of my own!
My friends have formed a band. Perhaps you remember me writing about them previously. Check them out here at Mushroom Stamp Productions, if you're interested.
Anyhow, they have formed a band and have been pressing people for good band name ideas. I've been giving the topic a lot of thought this week, far far more than is appropriate. Let me just say, I have devoted more hours of brain power to devising good band names in the past several days than I have devoted to my career plans thus far this century.
My initial suggestions were the same band names I've been suggesting since high school. Emergency Banana and Captain Equinox. No one listens to my great ideas...
See, the reason Emergency Banana is such a perfect name for a band is that it sounds like it's random - just two words smashed together for no reason - but there's a rational explanation for what the phrase means.
My grandmother (you remember her...I just did a post goofing on her e-mails yesterday) always keeps a so-called "emergency banana" in her purse, in case she winds up in some emergency situation without access to food. I know, I know, it's neurotic. But we're Jews...we're a nervous people.
I won't divulge what name the band is probably going with, but they're not taking any of my suggestions (which also included The Nappy Dugouts, The Vernicious Knids and Spacecataz). My roommate Nathan has suggested Fast Food Satan, which is quite a good name for a band, even if it has no secret rational explanation. Also, I think Leet Haxors would be a good name, but it's a computer dork inside joke, which might not work out so well in the long run.
Also, The Overdose.
My friend Brian was thinking that, if only there were saxophones used in the bands music, replacing the word "sex" in common phrases with the word "sax" always results in an amusing band name.
Examples:
The possibilities are literally endless. Literally.
The Archbishop of Canterbury, the head of the Anglican Church, wrote in the Telegraph today that the recent Asian tsunami disaster has made him doubt his faith.
Here's a quote:
Every single random, accidental death is something that should upset a faith bound up in comfort and ready answers. Faced with the paralysing magnitude of a disaster like this, we naturally feel more deeply outraged - and also more deeply helpless.
The question, 'How can you believe in a God who permits suffering on this scale?' is therefore very much around at the moment, and it would be surprising if it weren't - indeed it would be wrong if it weren't.
Strong stuff. This guy represents 70 million Anglicans around the world, yet he seems like a really reasonable guy. We obviously still don't see eye to eye on organized religion, but this passage makes more sense to me than any words an American religious leader has spoken during my lifetime.
Lots of smart American I know dismiss the notion that Europeans are more civlized and intelligent as stereotypical, but it's hard not to feel that way sometimes. They certainly seem to have a more rational approach towards this whole religion thing.
