Special Guest Blogger: Pat Robertson

[Hey, all...Lons here...So, a few people have wondered aloud why I haven't commented on Pat Robertson's reaction to Ariel Sharon's stroke of yesterday. Robertson basically said that God was angry Sharon had attempted to make peace with the Palestinians by sharing with them some sections of the Holy Land, and so God came down from Heaven and gave Sharon a stroke.

I would comment...but you all know what I'm going to say...Pat Robertson is a massive idiot, God doesn't give people strokes, God doesn't care who owns a specific mountain in some godforsaken part of the Middle East...blah blah blah...Even I get tired of my endless anti-religion shrillocity.

But the situation is important, and should not go without comment. So I thought I'd open the blog up, as I so often do, and give Robertson a chance to explain himself a bit more fully...Because I'm all about having a fair, unbiased viewpoint here.]



Thank you, Jew-boy. I genuinely appreciate this chance to speak with your audience about this situation in the Middle East. When the Rapture comes, and Jesus is flying me up to Heaven on a chariot guided by 10,000 snow-white pegasuses...pegasusses...pegasi....um, snow-white unicorns, I'll be sure to put in a good word for you. Maybe they can send you to the more lax sub-division of Hell, where nothing scorching hot is actually inserted into your anal cavity...Won't that be nice?

Anyway, a lot of people are upset because I said that God gave Ariel Sharon a stroke. Here's my actual quote, from the Associated Press:

"God considers this land to be his," Robertson said on his TV program "The 700 Club." "You read the Bible and he says `This is my land,' and for any prime minister of Israel who decides he is going to carve it up and give it away, God says, `No, this is mine.'"

Sharon, who ordered Israel's withdrawal from Gaza last year, suffered a severe stroke on Wednesday.

In Robertson's broadcast from his Christian Broadcasting Network in Virginia Beach, the evangelist said he had personally prayed about a year ago with Sharon, whom he called "a very tender-hearted man and a good friend." He said he was sad to see Sharon in this condition.

He also said, however, that in the Bible, the prophet Joel "makes it very clear that God has enmity against those who 'divide my land.'"

Sharon "was dividing God's land and I would say woe unto any prime minister of Israel who takes a similar course to appease the EU, United Nations or the United States of America," Robertson said.

I don't get what's so controversial about that! I mean, everything the Bible says is totally true, right? I think God is everywhere at all times, and is all-powerful, and has a plan for each of us. So, obviously, I think that God is actually behind everything that happens on Earth.

Clearly, Ariel Sharon had a stroke because God wanted it to happen. And, based on what God told me the last time we spoke (we talk all the time!), I have deduced that God wanted Sharon to have a stroke because God wants the Jews to control all of the HOly Land.

Now, you may think, "Hey, Pat, if God wants the Jews to have the Holy Land so bad, and is willing to kill innocent men to realize his vision, why doesn't God just strike down all the Palestinians dead right now? Why not just come down to Earth, declare that it is His Will that Israel maintain control of Jersualem, and compel us to comply?"

An excellent question. Next time we're rappin', I'll bring it up to the Exalted One. Although, just to warn you, he may take the idea and claim it was his all along. He's kind of like that.

I don't know why everyone's getting so hung up on my comments about Sharon anyway. I think God's behind literally every story that's on the news. Let's just take a look at the day's events...

Lindsay Lohan out of hospital after asthma attack

Well, who do you think gave Lindsay Lohan asthma in the first place. I think God gave her this attack because he's pissed off she's making that Mark David Chapman movie. But it could also be because she's such an enormous whore.

Is wedding off for Cruise and Holmes?

The union of this brutally insane, idol-worshipping midget and this beautiful young Christian girl was not Godly. Did you really think he'd allow such a thing to happen?

U.S. says bomb hit wrong house in Iraq

Here's an article about an air strike near Baiji, Iraq that accidentally killed 6 family members and wounded 3 others.

The bomb, which was dropped by a U.S. fighter plane, was aimed at a building that three men entered after planting a roadside bomb as an unmanned surveillance plane watched from overhead, the officials said.

...

The strike flattened a family's home, killing six of the family members and wounding three others, said a spokesman for the Salaheddin provincial governor's office. A father and daughter survived with only minor injuries, he said.

Well, the Air Force may think they made a mistake...but God doesn't miss, folks. I'm sure those 6 civilians must have done something. I mean, they were Muslims, so they were already off to a bad start. Hey, I'm not saying I know exactly why God had to kill that family through the instrument of His Divine Pleasure, the United States Military, but it happened and I'm glad that it happened, because God is infallible. He's just, you know, mysterious or something.

Trapped miners left notes

[Oh, Pat...That's too far! Now I'm getting upset! You're outta here!]

What, too soon?