So Sorry, I Didn't Mean to Offen...Jew

Hilarious. You guys know professional blowhard Dennis Prager? He's the conservative windbag who's always on the radio yammering on about America's beloved "Judeo-Christian values" or writing columns about how to have a happy marriage immediately before divorcing his wife. Anyway, now he's decided to take it on himself to write a series of columns throughout 2006 explaining Jews to his readers at Townhall.com.

At this point, a few questions may have occured to you. Who the hell is this guy Dennis Prager to think he can explain a massive, diverse group of people? Explain them to who, anyway? Townhall.com?

Well, those aren't the questions Prager has set out to answer. Here's his only mention of "qualifications" to explain Jews.

So, after a lifetime immersed in Jewish life -- an involvement that includes nearly every aspect of Jewish life from the religious (Reform, Conservative and Orthodox) to the secular (Jewish federations, Israel and Soviet Jewry activism) -- and after 25 years of speaking to people of all backgrounds on the radio and in lectures, I feel ready to attempt the daunting but significant task of explaining Jews.

Why do I feel qualified to write about Jews as a group? Well, I've been one all my life!

Really, it's not anything about Prager specifically. I just think it's a nonsensical topic. Maybe if you planned to devote your entire life to compiling a massive 30-volume tome entitled "The History and Explanation of the Jews," and died just as you scrawled the final words to the appendix, I could bring myself to admire the attempt. But a columnist on a 4th tier conservative website writing less than 1000 words at a go? This is not really a possible undertaking.

Anyway, rather than address whether his task is even possible, Prager lays out the questions he will grapple with in this upcoming year.

Why are Jews overwhelmingly to the left of center?

Are Jews a nation, a religion, a race, an ethnicity?

Why have Jews been so hated?

What is Zionism? Is anti-Zionism a form of anti-Semitism?

Are any stereotypes about Jews true?

Why are most Jews irreligious? And how can there be a secular Jew when there is no such thing as a secular Christian?

Why do Jews oppose intermarriage?

Does Judaism believe in an afterlife?

Why don't Jews seek converts?

Is the doctrine of "Chosen People" racist?

How do Jews view Christians?

Do Jews control Hollywood?

Why do Jews shun "Jews for Jesus"?

Oh, I see...You see, I thought the task was to Explain Jews. I mean, that's the name of the column - Explaining Jews. I think they left off the last part there - "Explaining Jews to Glue-Sniffing GED Students".

I mean, I figured people reading Townhall.com wouldn't be too bright. I mean, they advertise that one of their columnists is disgraced Whitewater asshole Chuck Colson. CHUCK COLSON! You may remember him from his brief role in All the President's Men, where he played the bad guy.

But they don't know why Jews don't seek converts? And they can't imagine why Jews might be concerned about intermarriage, considering that they are a minority in every nation where they live save Israel? I can't wait to read that column where he tackles whether any Jewish stereotypes are true. Finally, the world will know whether we all really do have big noses and love money? (Can you keep a secret...We do...)

The opening asks that burning High-School-History-Class essay topic, "Are Jews a Nation or a Religion or a People or a Tribe or a Race or What?" Prager's answer - all of the above! Oh, you...

If that's all it takes to Explain Judiasim, I think I'll take a crack at these softball Townhall questions. Even though I've been a Jew for a lot less time than Dennis Prager. I bet we can do this real quick, save Townhall readers from having to slog through a year's worth of his dreary, self-satisfied writing.

Why are Jews overwhelmingly to the left of center?

Is this really that hard to figure out with Bush in the White House? I don't know, because all that Jesus talk doesn't work on us, maybe? And that's about all these crooked slimeballs calling themselves Republicans have got to offer these days?

Are Jews a nation, a religion, a race, an ethnicity?

Well, they're not a nation, because the nation is called Israel, and I'm a Jew but not an Israeli. And it's not a religion, because I'm a Jew and I dislike religion intensely. And it's not a race, because I don't bubble in JEW on forms, I bubble in CAUCASIAN. So, my answer is...ethnicity, maybe, but only because that's kind of a meaningless, vague term.

My definition: Non-Christians or Muslims of Semetic descent who watch movies and eat Chinese food on Christmas Day.

Why have Jews been so hated?

A couple potential answers. Prager will possibly go with the long and storied Jewish tradition of serving as money-lenders and bankers, because Christianity in its more traditional form shunned loaning money for interest. (Jesus was actually against loaning money for interest, but Christians have kind of tabled this Bible lesson because it's impractical. Not any of that Old Testament stuff about hating fags...That stuff is key, can't disregard those sporadic sentences. But, come on, no charging interest? I can't get any juice off the vig over here? That's just unreasonable.)

He may also go with the whole Christ-killer Catholic thing. Or even the fact that Jews, spread out all over the world as they are, have the opportunity to inspire hatred among a wide swath of humanity. (More so than, say, Inuits or the Dutch, who can only irritate small, isolated populations).

My theory? Many Jews, particularly those from the Eastern Coast of the United States, are loud and obnoxious and cheap. Granted, that's true of a number of non-Jews from the Eastern Coast of the United States (and, let's face it, people everywhere). But I can't shake the fact that it is true of some Jews. What can you do? They're my people, I love 'em, but hey...I'm trying to be honest.

What is Zionism? Is anti-Zionism a form of anti-Semitism?

What is Zionism? Dennis, Dennis, they teach you this shit in, like, the eighth grade. If your readers don't know the definitions of basic English words, isn't it time to re-evaluate your position as a professional journalist?

Are any stereotypes about Jews true?

Tons. I've mentioned many true Jewish stereotypes already in this column. One more I would add...Older Jewish men make loud grunts whenever they stand up or sit down. You get used to it, living in a household with older Jews, and imagine that this is what everyone does. I recall on several occasions going to gentile friend's homes and seeing parents (and even grandparents!) standing up and sitting down without making a peep! And yet, when several Jewish men are seated all at the same time, it sounds like someone upstairs is passing a kidney stone.

The scary part? I catch myself doing this at times. Every day, I get closer and closer to being a grunting old Jew who wears his pants up under his armpits.

Why are most Jews irreligious? And how can there be a secular Jew when there is no such thing as a secular Christian?

Didn't we do this question already? You can be a secular Jew because you're born into Judaism. Christianity is, by definition, a religion, so if you opt out of it, you're no longer a Christian. What are you people, fucking stupid?

And most Jews are irreligious because our religion is really fucking complicated and hard to maintain. Christianity is totally easy in comparison. All you have to do is try to resist sin, apologize when you can't, go to church every once in a while, and you're goddamn home free. That's it. And if you truly accept Christ in your heart, even moments before you die, that's considered good enough!

Conversely, Judaism has more rules than Advanced Dungeons and Dragons. Don't eat this with this, and don't eat at all on these random days. Don't sit there or go there or talk to them when they're having their period, and DON'T TURN ON THE LIGHTS ON SATURDAY. It's really hard, no fun at all. Yahweh, just shut the hell up already, I'm trying to watch Adult Swim!

So, in my experience, most Jews get sick and tired of the BS really quickly and give up. Also, lots of us are intelligent and the actual tenets of the religion are really dumb, so if you do the math...

Why do Jews oppose intermarriage?

Because they tend to assimilate into cultures, and if this happens on a large-enough scale, The Jews as a people will disappear. NEXT!

Does Judaism believe in an afterlife?

Scripture's unclear, so it's basically like Christians. Smart ones don't, gullible ones who believe in magic do.

Why don't Jews seek converts?

Because we don't like you.

Is the doctrine of "Chosen People" racist?

Yes.

I mean, not in a totally evil racist "Fuck them niggers" sort of way. In a "We the Enlightened Jews shall Watch Over these Foolish Heathens" Heart of Darkness sort of way.

But, you know, yes.

How do Jews view Christians?

With our eyeballs.

No, but really, this is a dumb question. Jews view Christians differently, depending on their experience with Christians. A-Duh! If he means, instead, "How do Jews view Christianity," then the answer is: they think it's wrong about everything.

Do Jews control Hollywood?

I'm a Jew, and no one in Hollywood seems to want to hire me. So, if we run the entire show out here, I'm just not in touch with the right Jews.

Why do Jews shun "Jews for Jesus"?

Because they're retarded.

Here's a better question...Why don't Christians shun "Jews for Jesus"? Shoot me an answer to that one next time you're feeling all blustery, D.P.