Judge William Mallory's Baad Asssss Sentence

What to make of this story? It's one of those odd "creative punishment" stories that sometimes pop up in the press. The kind that inspired that "Simpsons" episode where Malcolm in the Middle's Mom sentenced Bart to be tethered to Homer for one month.

A drunk loser named Brett Haines is convicted of disorderly conduct. He threatened and verbally assaulted a cab driver, using all manner of (unidentified) racial slurs. He also apparently declared that he hated black people.

So the judge gave him a choice...30 days in jail, or six weeks of Sunday worship at a predominantly-black church.

Guess which option the guy went for.

"It seems readily apparent to me that you don't like black people," Judge William Mallory Jr. told Haines. "That's OK with me. But you have to understand that you are at the whim and authority of a black judge."

That's when Mallory offered church as an alternative sentence, an option he said might broaden Haines' cultural awareness.

"If you want to get out of jail, you're going to have to raise your black consciousness," the judge said.

Two things that bother me about this story.

(1) It had better be alright with Judge William Mallory Jr. if Haines wants to hate black people. You know, free country and all that. Free to think whatever you want about whatever. If Haines wants to be an ignorant Ohio drunk the rest of his life holding a grudge against black people for no reason, well, that's his right as an American. This notion that a judge should have anything to say about your personal views of race is completely alien to me.

(2) No, no, no, no, no. You can't replace jail with church. No fucking way. Totally out of line.

Mallory said he was concerned about maintaining a separation between church and state, so he asked Haines whether the option would offend his beliefs. Haines said he was not a church-goer, but would like to give it a try.

"Absolutely," he said when given the choice.

It doesn't matter if the guy says going to church won't offend him. Of course he's going to choose church over jail. I don't care whether it offends Brett Haines to attend church. It offends me when the government mandates that people go to Sunday services. It further bothers me that a man can be convicted of a crime and then serve his punishment legally in a church.

We could do a slippery slope argument, and say "well, what if he's Rastafarian and wants to go to a predominantly-black head shop?" But that's stupid. I don't need an example like that. It's the principle of the matter. If it's not serious enough to throw the guy in jail, let him go. If it's serious enough to punish him, send him to fucking jail!

Also, as if all of that isn't enough reason this is stupid, consider the fact that it will do no good. You think Brett is suddenly going to stop hating black people after spending six straight Sundays being awkwardly eye-balled by them? Even if he is greeted in a black church with kindness (always a possibility, if they're actually feeling Christian that day), he'll probably, long-term, consider this an overall negative experience that will only fuel his misplaced anger.

30 days of forcible detox in a prison cell might, in the grand scheme, do him more good. I mean, he can always just go home and get wasted after church...

First indication that it's not a very good punishment?

His lawyer, Dennis Deters, said his client told him that the sentence might do him some good, and assistant prosecutor Kirstin Fullen raised no objection.

If the convicted criminal sounds stoked after the sentencing is over, Judge, that means you fucked up.

My thanks to Pandagon for the link