Russian News Rules!

I found the link to MosNews, a Russian news website, through FARK. They had a story featured on the front page about a man who killed his neighbor accidentally during an argument, and then proceeded to butcher and cook the man's remains. Seriously. He made a delicious Siberian dish known as palmeni, resembling ravioli.

A man from the Russian internal republic Buryatia in eastern Siberia has been sentenced to 14 years in prison for cooking the flesh of his his friend after killing him during a quarrel, Gazeta.ru reported. He will serve his sentence at a maximum security prison camp.

A long sentence in a Maximum Security Prison Camp in Siberia...Yikes. Even for cooking and eating a man, that's still kind of harsh.

Actually, that's not the whole story. The guy actually sold some of the meat to other neighbors.

According to the online newspaper, Bubeev could not consume all the meat and sold some to his neighbors saying it was horse meat.

I've had upset customers come into the store returning merchandise before, but this has got to be one really awkward conversation.

"Hey, you know that horse meat you sold me."

"Sure."

"Yeah...So I just read in the paper that it was actually the ground-up remains of our neighbor who you killed."

"Oh, right...Didn't I mention that when I sold it to you?"

"No, no. You said it was horse meat."

"I'm pretty sure I said human meat."

"You said horse meat."

"Are you sure it was me you talked to?"

"Now that you killed our neighbor, there isn't anyone else around for miles. It's fucking Siberia."

"Oh, well, I had just slaughtered a horse that week, so I may have gotten mixed up."

"Right. I'm gonna want my money back. And you're probably going to have to go to prison."

"Look, man, I mean, all sales were final. I may have said 'horse meat' or 'human meat,' whatever, but you know, the fact is, you ate the meat."

"This is unacceptable."

"I mean, what can I do? It's our policy. I don't do meat refunds."

"But it was human meat! You're a murdering cannibal!"

"If it were up to me, I'd love to help you. But tti's our policy."

"What policy? We're in your home!"

You get the idea.

Anyway, I was just going to post the humorous comment above and be done with it, when I noticed that there are tons of hilarious headlines on this one Russian news page. Are they all bogus, like the stuff on ananova.com? Or does Russian News just rule all other national news in terms of hilarious bizarreness?

Check out some of these other headlines:

Latvian Man Killed in Accident With Twice Lethal Alcohol Level in Blood

This is about a guy in Riga, Latvia who was run over by a car, and doctors at the hospital discovered he had double the lethal amount of alcohol in his system. They say he must have been drinking some kind of homemade alcohol for days on end to attain that level of drunkitude.

Opponents Tattoo Obscene Words on Russian Communist’s Face

I think we should definitely implement this technique immediately in American politics. Four guys grabbed a young Communist politician and activist in the street, pinned him down in a car and tattooed obscene words on to his face. With a homemade electric needle!

Really, I'd just like Rick Santorum to have to walk around with "I eat chode" scrawled on his face. (Although I'd like to state for the record that I personally wish no harm to come to any public official, and would not encourage any violence be committed against Mr. Santorum or his colleagues in Washington. So, you know, there's no need to monitor all of my domestic and international communications. Thanks anyways.)

Stray Elephant Reported Wandering St. Petersburg Streets

You know, I'm starting to think that all this hilarious "news" is actually made-up. My first clue? The obviously photoshopped picture that goes along with this story.



Odd thing about that elephant...He has only three legs, and he's balancing on one of them whilst the other two hang in mid-air. Okay, so, maybe there really was an elephant wandering around St. Petersburg like the article says, and they just couldn't get a good picture. Or maybe the Russian news site MosNews is as full of shit as the Russian characters in James Bond films.

Two Professors Found Dead in Makeshift Porn Studio With Students’ Index

Man, I really hope this one is true.

Two professors have been found dead in an apartment that had been turned into a porn studio. Homemade porn films and photos were found in the apartment along with an index with pictures and telephones of the professors’ students.

That's the greatest, most sleazy thing I have ever heard in my life. I would like to make this story into a movie just so, at the end, I could put on the tagline "Based on a True Story."

Upon searching the victims’ apartment, policemen discovered a large number of video cassettes with homemade porn as well as hardware and instructions for making films at home.

Instructions! The professors required instructions on making a pornographic film. "Rule #1: Try not to be brutally murdered with a blunt instrument while actually inside your illegal home porn studio."

Here's the best single sentence in the article:

Police say that the professors’ apartment was possibly used as a home porn studio.

It was possibly used as a home porn studio. It may have also simply been a breakfast nook. We can't be sure, because there's all this porn and porn-making equipment everywhere.