The Juice is Loose!

I think I'm finally over my on-going tooth pain crisis, after weeks and weeks of dental visits, ibuprofin overdoses and strenuous brushing/flossing. The other day, I had a wisdom tooth removed that had been rotting significantly deep in the far reaches of my mouth. Without going into too much grisly detail, this one massive cavity was making, essentially, my entire mouth hurt really really really bad. Really bad. You know that scene in Castaway, where Tom Hanks has to knock out his own tooth with a rusty pair of ice skates? I was giving that plan serious consideration.

Anyway, I finally had this thing taken care of, and feel about 100,000,000% better. The problem is, there's now a hole in the back of my mouth where a tooth once sat. And they sew it up and everything, but it's still back there. Is it just me, or is this post really gross? Feel free to stop reading, if you're not crazy about vivid descriptions of the inside of my mouth.

The dentist said that I couldn't eat solid foods for a few days. Maybe for most people, this sort of thing is do-able. To my ears, "don't eat solid foods" is code for "gorge yourself on ice cream tonight...and then start eating solid foods anyway because you're hungry goddammit!"

Oh, and my dad (who is also a dentist) advised me not to suck on anything through a straw for a couple of days. This seemed to me an odd instruction, but apparently, the pressure your mouth creates when you suck could rip up my stitches. Which means that Scott Stapp can't ever get his wisdom teeth removed, no matter how much pain they cause him.

But I was not keen on reviving any of my tooth pain any time soon, so I have thus far obeyed the dentist's orders. That meant, two nights ago, going on a trip to Jamba Juice. There's a Jamba right down the street from Laser Blazer, so I'll go there at lunch sometimes anyway, just because fruit smoothies are really really good, and I need an occasional break from Taco Bell, unless I'm hoping the government will declare my lower intestine a Superfund site.

(Wow, that's even more disgusting...I'm on some kind of a roll.)

Anyway, I went and got one of their citrus smoothies. I don't remember the exact name, because they give all their smoothies such cutesy, dumbass names at Jamba Juice. (I feel stupid even ordering there..."Yeah, I'll have a regular sized, um, Banana Fanna Blueberry Surftastic Splashdown..." Why can't I just say..."the one with OJ and strawberries"?)

Now, you may have already guessed Problem #1 with my plan...

You can't just drink a Jamba Juice smoothie. You have to suck on them through a straw. I tried just slurping it out of the cup, but it wasn't working at all. I was getting "essence of smoothie" in my mouth, but not any actual clumps of smoothie itself.

So I took the thing home and started eating it with a spoon. It was fairly unsatisfactory, but I did succeed in getting at least some actual smoothie in my mouth. After a few spoonfuls, I felt mainly sated and set the cup down on my desk and went to sleep.

I know, I know, I should have just gone into the kitchen right then and spilled out the rest of the smoothie and thrown away the cup. I'm a lazy idiot, which does make for good blogging, even if my life becomes occasionally less convenient as a result. But I didn't throw anything away. I just left the 3/4 full cup of citrus smoothie on my desk and went to sleep.

Cut to three hours later. I awake from a peaceful nap and rise to go to the bathroom. On the way, I bump into my desk a bit, both because I have kind of a big ass and my room isn't all that large. I don't notice anything amiss, and go use the restroom. I return to discover that my ass-bump has sent smoothie flying ALL OVER the desk. It's on my keyboard, speakers, monitor, printer, desktop, some papers, my wallet and all over the carpet below. And it's presently oozing down the side of the desk itself.

I don't know if you've ever tried to clean up smoothie, but it's impervious to conventional cleaning products of any kind. Paper towels? Bleeds right through them. Sponge? Won't actually absorb smoothie particles with any consistancy. Eventually, I have to use a bucket and ruin a washcloth to get the spill up. Even after containing the smoothie and cleaning it up, the room still smells like pineapple juice and blueberries. I figured this was just lingering residue of the spill, but it's now 2 full days later and it still smells fruity in here. (Not that kind of fruity...)

I don't really know what else I can do. The spill was contained, there's no real stain on the carpet to speak of and nothing left to clean up. So, am I just expected to live with this smell forever? Should I just go buy a shitload of Glade Plug-ins? Or get a dog or something? To be honest, it isn't really an offensive smell. I dare say, someone walking into my room for the first time might find that smell more pleasant than the usual dank, musty, BO-inflected aroma that usually rules the day around here. But it just reminds me that (1) I am a klutzy ass and (2) I don't know how to clean up anything.