Blacking Out

Yesterday, I was watching something on Fox (I don't even remember what...but most likely a reality show) when a commercial came on for the local news. They were advertising some tape that had been sent to the ABC-TV network from some terrorist group, in which a goofy-looking white guy in glasses and a turban issues threatened terrorist action against the West.

“Yesterday, London and Madrid. Tomorrow, Los Angeles and Melbourne, Allah willing,” the masked man says on the tape that ABC said it received Saturday. The man — believed to be an American — speaks in unaccented English.

“And this time, don’t count on us demonstrating restraint and compassion,” he says on the tape, aired Sunday on ABC’s “Good Morning America.”

The only weird part about it was that the Fox local news ad didn't show the full quote. They just had an excerpt with the guy saying "...tomorrow, Los Angeles and Melbourne..." Nothing to make it clear the guy was speaking metaphorically. No "Allah willing" at the end, indicating that it is an expressed desire for a terrorist action rather than a specific warning.

They wanted the viewer to think that terrorists were going to hit LA, so they would watch the local news that night. What a bunch of bastards.

I didn't fall for the ad, of course, and naturally didn't watch the Fox local news, or any local newscast for that matter.

But today, when all the lights in LA went out for a few moments, I'll admit to a second or two where I reconsidered the evidence. "Well," I thought, "how odd that, just yesterday, a man on television threatened terrorism against LA, and here I sit, in LA, with absolutely no power anywhere. I might be screwed, since I know the federal government won't be coming in to help us any time soon, and the Governor of this state appears to know as much about governance as he does about recreating carefully-observed human behavior through body language and emotive dialogue."

Then, the power came back. After about 30 seconds. Elsewhere, in some parts of the Valley and Koreatown, it took a few hours. But it had nothing to do with terr'ists. We now know that this afternoon's LA blackout was caused by...an electrician who cut the wrong wire.

OOPS!

Man, I've messed up at work before, but that's brutal. Can you imagine the taunting this guy is going to get from the other dudes at the Department of Water and Power? He shut off power to 700,000 customers!

Anyway, the police chief and others are saying that the "threat tape" is just more propaganda, and I believe them. I don't really think these guys have anything major planned, because if they did they wouldn't make tapes tipping us off. I think they just like appearing on TV every now and again, even if they have nothing new to say. You know, like David Spade.

It's always the same with these terrorists...Decadent Western culture, check. Striking back at the infidels, check. Merciless, blood-thirsty vengeance, gotcha. I'd like to hear something more, I don't know, thoughtful. I mean, these guys sit around hating us all day, right? They haven't come up with some more creative, original stuff to dislike about us? There's tons!

"Vile American supermarkets, where the infidel pigs stock up on fattening, nutritionless foods that make them paunchy and unappealing physically, always have really long lines that take forever. Usually, it's because of stupid old Jew ladies arguing about using a 20 cent coupon for soup after the expiration date, or those idiots buying lottery tickets. You're never going to win the lottery, Pedro! Why not spend that money on something you can use, like an extra tall boy of Bud Light?"

Remember, that's a terrorist talking, not me. I would never accuse Mexican people of holding up lines at supermarkets and convenience stores by buying excessive amounts of lottery tickets and scratchers...that would be culturally insensitive.

Anyway, it's nice to know that everything is still normal; no terrorists have hit LA, supermarket checkout lines are mercifully free of terrorists and the Fox's entire news division is full of deceptive jerkoffs who cavalierly toss out misleading terror dispatches in order to frighten up some viewership...all is right with the world.